And another Eve.

This time it's the day before the new year. I'm somewhat beside myself not positive how I feel about it.  There's a lot of things that I wish were different, but they seem to be out of my hands. At least for now.

Really, though, how much control do we have in our lives? I mean, sure, we make decisions and act and the effects or even repercussions follow every time. But I feel like we are typically unaware of the effect our choices have on people, the world, our fate. We typically choose for the now and not for the  outcome. I know the outcome of many of my decisions and actions has been entirely different from the initial reason why I chose to in the first place.

I've never been the person, and I won't be the one this year either, to sit and say 'these are the changes I plan to make' or 'this is what will happen this year' because that seems rather pointless to me. Nothing I ever imagine will ever be the reality of the coming year. Of that, I am certain.

Side note: It makes me sad to realize that the people I start the year off with are rarely the people I end it with, and I mean that both figuratively and literally. I wish I could maintain a closeness and a bond with people. That's something I've only been able to accomplish with a small group of people in my life. And even with those relationships I feel quite alone 99% of the time. Which, I'm sure is mostly my fault. Just like not being close to a lot of people is greatly due to the fact that I don't know how to get close to people. I don't know how to let them in and I don't know how to let myself out either. I'm too scared to do either. What haunts me most with that is that I feel like no one wants the same from me.

I guess that's my official wish for the New Year: to be the person that people care about. Right now, I'm just the person that cares about people. And too much at that, I think.

So 2013, let's get to know each other, I suppose.

Eve as always.

I truly am a natural Grinch at heart. I don't think I get to the point of being a cold, cruel, and rotten Scrooge, but I definitely recognize the bitterness and frustration of a Grinch, which mostly roots in my underlying hurt and sadness during the holiday of Christmas.

Thanksgiving is typically a good holiday for me. It's not a struggle at all for me to recognize the good things in my life and be grateful for them. I'm always thankful that I have family, friends, a job, and education and good opportunities available to me. I know I've been very fortunate in my life and I am humbled by that fortune.

Christmas, on the other hand, is more difficult for me to look forward to and be happy about. It's completely about family and celebrating your closeness with others (predominantly family). And that's the one thing I don't have. I have a mother, a father, a brother, grandmother, etc. But we aren't close. We don't do things together, we don't talk, we don't celebrate. In fact, we rarely even express outward emotions and thoughts, at least as far as connecting with one another versus just ranting through frustrations and opinions.

It hurts to see people constantly posting pictures of and talking about their multiple Christmas activities, travels, and celebrations with all the members of their family. So many people visit with every sector of their immediate and extended families and friends. They have lots of dinners, go out to ice skate or sled. They travel and bake and simply spend time together throughout the whole holiday season and not just on Eve or Day. My family can barely make it through a couple hours together before being over it and just wanting to go do their own thing instead of being with one another.

And I'm pretty sure there's no hope in my extended family ever getting together all in one place to celebrate for anything, any time soon.

We're all just relatives. There's no family involved.

That's what makes this holiday so incredibly tough for me to get through.

I've essentially come to the conclusion that there's no hope left for this family. The only option I have is creating my own family, but that's going to take a while. Until then, I will be bitter and unsatisfied and basically hopeless.

Venting a la 3 a.m.

In a weird way, nothing and everything has been happening the last couple days, this winter break. I'm not sure how I feel about either nor which I prefer. As I figured, I have been quite aloof and unmotivated to actually move, at all. I've been lonely and bitter and frustrated, seeing as how I have so much time to dwell on things now.

The shootings in Connecticut had me riled up for a variety of reasons, ranging between being distraught and so incredibly annoyed at the reactions and talk about it, especially from the media, which always makes a mess of things that are usually already messy and complicated in the first place.

I had yet another blowout argument with my mother about the whole Matt situation. I'm so tired of her always defending him or looking at things only from his perspective and never from mine. I'm tired of being the only one who isn't okay with pretending. The only one to put in a effort and actually vocalize a need for us to unite as a family and act like one, most importantly. It took a lot of time and a lot of yelling and crying to finally get Mom to hear what I was saying at all and actually seem to begin to understand where I am coming from. I still don't think we're fully there and I doubt we ever will be, considering the pattern has always been that she understands and is on the same page with me for like a day if that and then next thing I know we are having the same goddamn argument. Over and over again.

I know I come off too strong and too adamant about the whole thing sometimes, to the point of seeming unreasonable or childish, or like I'm overreacting. But I'm honestly getting desperate at this point. I don't know if she realizes it or not, but once I go to get my Master's (if things haven't changed) I'm most likely not coming back and not keeping in touch. Once I start to REALLY build my own life, I'm not going to put the effort in to make our family a family anymore. And maybe then, they'll realize how serious I was and hopefully give them, most importantly Matt, a fucking reality check.

I'm simply not keeping people in my life who continually hurt me, especially those who know they hurt me and STILL don't do shit to make up for it.

Little is Big.

In the process of trying cleaning up my dorm I came across a photo of Grandpa, the one I posted on his death day. It is such an extremely candid, unplanned, simple, random picture of him. He's not doing  anything of interest really, just sitting and doing the menial things he always did. Looking at it makes me think, though, about how the most menial and insignificant things and memories can be the greatest and most vivid you will ever have, and will be the ones that mean the most to you.

I have specific memories in my head of my Grandpa. Big moments. Moments that stick out. When someone dies there are always those moments you will and can never forget. But what hurts is not remembering those things, but what you can't remember. The little things. What makes that picture of him so special is that it captures the little things. It captures him in an everyday moment and his day-to-day self. Not necessarily the one on 'big' days like holidays, his birthday, etc. It's the closest thing I have to having and being reminded of the most essential parts of what made him who he was.

Lately I've been more aware of how the most minute moments, conversations, happenings really can mean so much and have a huge effect/impact. That fact is both incredible and terrifying to realize. I really want to do the best I can to remember and appreciate every little detail I can on what I experience and who I experience with, especially now, with being in this department and being with these people. I know these four years are going to be four that forever change and affect my life, where I'm going, and who I am/become. I wouldn't want it either way.

Current things to never forget: my Grease team, both cast and crew. The Christmas Cabaret. Finals. Adventures with Luke. Hattie. Laura. Directing. Le Dortoir. Boston. Raunch. My internship. Halloween. Fifthmas. My mother. My grandmother.

This life is so precious and I am so honored to be an active entity.

A shut door.

I don't why I keep letting myself believe that there is hope for me in getting what/who I want. I'm never going to be good enough, nor bad enough if that's a thing, for anyone it seems. I spend so much of my time and energy in fighting for people and making a place for them in my life and in my heart and I feel like I get a door shut in my face by every single one of them.

When will I be enough? What do I have to do or who do I have to be in order to deserve the one thing/person that will make me happy and make me feel right?

Or am I just meant to be and feel alone for the rest of my life? Because that's the path I seem to be on right about now and I'm absolutely exhausted from it.

Not sure.

I feel entirely uncertain about everything in my life right now. I'm accepting of the fact that things, life, people are uncertain--the future is uncertain--but feeling that way is a whole other rough terrain in which to be. I'm not sure of myself, which really isn't anything new. Not only that though, but my relationships with my friends and family are a variety of uncertain right now. My job seems potentially uncertain considering how often I've been screwing up lately. This production is certainly uncertain and I've never felt more uncomfortable in my life.

The combination of everything is sinking me into a funk or maybe even depression and I don't know how to deal with anything and I almost don't want to. I'm so emotionally drained that trying to fix things and find a solution/resolution is just exhausting and not worth the effort, seemingly.

Sadly, sometimes, I just think about if something truly did go horribly wrong and I was forced to deal with that that maybe then, at least, I would have a legitimate reason to feel so miserable all the time.

All I want right now is to relax and create and to give my body and mind a chance to breathe. Unfortunately though, I still have to survive the next two weeks, which seem like an eternity for sure.

What I want.

While watching a movie just now I realized something as I seem to do. I realized that part of my personal philosophy with myself and movies and theatre is that I want someone and wonder if someone is/will ever be fascinated and interested in my story the way I am with characters.

Just one of the many thoughts running through my head today. Too much time to think during Thanksgiving break, that's for sure.

Passing quickly.

Time is just moving by so damn quickly this year. I feel like every time I blink it's a new month. How the hell is tomorrow Thanksgiving? As I try and think back at what all has happened since I last wrote, it amazes me.

I had really really deep heart-to-heart with Jordan and I think it had a large impact on the both of us. I don't have much time to focus on anything but my responsibilities, which is both a good and bad thing. This musical and the internship take up all my time and energy, but I think they each will be worth it in the end, despite all the many troubles in between.

The main thing that has thrown me for a loop is my birthday gift for Matt. I went through so much trouble to make the Citizen Cope concert happen and he managed to ruin the entire experience for me. I shouldn't be surprised, though, because he really has no perception of how his actions affect others and he doesn't seem to care to either. I'm really tired of being the mature one in this situation and the one who puts in the effort and care. I don't have the energy to care nor to try anymore, so I'm just leaving it up to him to figure out when he wants to give a fuck about anyone but himself.

The Boston trip was exciting, frustrating, and liberating all at the same time. I really do miss travelling and just opening myself up to new places/environments and experiences. I definitely want to do more of that in the future, if I can. Even if it's not to Europe, but just a hour or two away. There's so much to be seen and experienced in this world that is both entertaining and worthwhile--so much to learn from. And I never want to stop learning.

That brings me to say that I'm really looking forward to my artistic future. I'm really starting to believe and trust in myself when creativity and art is concerned. Developing and knowing that makes everything else a little bit easier to deal with.

So there's a lil bit of an update, I suppose. More to come, hopefully.

Candles.

The last week has been extremely rough, in more ways than one. As per every year, the 30th is nearly unbearable to get through without wanting to curl up in a ball and cry, which I did for a good portion of the day.

I think it was even harder for me this year because I feel as though a part of me is fearing and recognizing the downfall of Grandma. I'm not sure how much long she will be here and I'm not sure if I'll be able to handle it. You think it would be easier because I'm older now, but I don't think anyone will ever be ready to have their heart break, no matter how many times it's been broken. It's almost harder than with Grandpa because I'm so alertly watching it all happen. Not only that, but I'm more privy to the strain it's putting on Mom and it's really really difficult seeing her struggle like this and doing so by herself nonetheless. It tears me apart in pieces to see how alone she feels. Especially knowing, that that's my greatest fear for her and myself.

I just feel like my compass is spinning around in circles with no direction in mind. Everything feels chaotic and it makes me anxious.

On top of all the craziness with school, work, family, and the internship my friendships seem all fucked up lately. I can't get a good handle on who to keep in my life and who to let go of. I don't know how to balance my relationships with them with my emotions and just my life in general right now, which is stressing me out as well.

It doesn't help that there is so little consistency with some of them. One minute they seem to care and the next it's like I mean absolutely nothing. I do so much to be good to people and to stay true. Yet, that's not enough. And many times I'm condemned for that, too. I know I'm a self-depreciating person more often than I should be, but it really doesn't help me stop when I have friends putting me down just as often and/or in worse ways than I do to myself, even.

When it comes down to it, I feel like I don't matter to anyone despite how much I try to be worthy. It's all so very exhausting and I just feel myself slowly burning out, while my wick fights so hard to stay lit and left to be free.

Oh, what a while.

It's been a while. Nearly a month. I've been tempted to write more times than I can count lately, but I just haven't had the time to fully commit to a post and I've been struggling with how to find the words to sum up and express it all. In the last couple of weeks I've had some struggles and triumphs as comes with the passing of time and the daily living out of a life.

I'm doing everything I can to push forward with grace. I'm happy I have the opportunity to learn from this internship, but I must admit that lately it's been putting a sour feeling in my stomach. A lot of what is necessary goes against my nature and not in a liberating manner. I feel my voice being given a chance and challenged at the same time and it's becoming frustrating and a bit exhausting, especially considering all of my responsibilities. I feel like I'm being resented and ignored for being responsible and honest. I don't know how to explain it, but I just don't feel comfortable. The opportunity is wonderful and I'm learning a lot, but I just think I'd rather be focusing on things I can control and working with people who respect me, regardless.

If anything, everything seems to be pointing me in the direction of stage management and film. It's becoming quite clear that that seems to be the right path for me and that makes me happy and takes away some of the stress and frustration for me. I'm really looking forward to experimenting more with that in my future. I just have to survive the chaos of this internship first.

On another note, I know I've talked a lot about how I feel like a new person lately and that I'm becoming more comfortable with myself and growing and all that jazz. It's kind of strange, though. In focusing on myself more and letting go of somethings I feel just as empty as I did before. I'm empty of anxiety and infatuation and some insecurities. I used to let everything get to me and I'm taking a lot of everything that built up in that way and trying to get rid of it. But, my same root hope is still there and I can't seem to get rid of it.

I still feel alone, but I'm at least not self-destructive about it which is progress at least.
I can't help but want more.

Starting in the mirror.

The person you think you are and the person others believe you to be will never be the same person. Not completely. I think I need to stop trying to make them one and instead accept, learn from, and embrace both and each and all of their distinctions.

And for as much as I want certain things in life, it hit me yesterday that I can't explore and have certain things without first being comfortable with myself. I feel like I'm getting there, but I'm still making a lot of changes and realizing that I can't just make external choices and changes, but that I also have to make internal choices and changes--in how I think, feel, and act.

I think the pieces are finally falling in place and I finally feel ready to turn my life around in the ways that I've wanted for a long time now. I'm determined to see it all through.

I'm a Green.

Hattie told me about how there is a specific "color" for every person. It's a similar concept to the Zodiac signs and studies. I don't know what the origin of it is, but it is surprisingly accurate. I am the color green. And it's really fascinating to me how things like that can fit people so well. I think it's clear that I've been doing a lot of thinking and analyzing of myself lately, and I think it's clear that I've always been like that. But the one thing that the whole "green" personality made me realize was that it really is of utmost importance to me that I preserve the person I am and the values I believe in. I protect it and I cherish it. This realization comes at an ironic time, seeing as it greatly supports my recent idea for my second tattoo. I look at it as a sign that it's the right one to get next.

It means a lot to me to externalize some of the biggest parts of me on my body in the form of art. And frankly I think my tattoo has been a significant factor in allowing me to accept myself and gain a more healthy, positive, and realistic outlook on my life and the world around me.

My tattoos are my therapy and my story, all in one.

Finding a focus. Finally.

I have always been one to have thoughts constantly spinning around in my head about anything and everything, without any hesitation or breaks. The switch is always on. For the majority of my life it's almost been like noise in my head. It was hard to separate where my mind wandered to what was reality. I think that's why I've been so emotional my whole life, because of dealing with such conflict and contradiction.

I'm not sure why, but I have a greater focus now in my thoughts. Everything is more clear. I think I'm starting to figure things out and it's putting my mind at peace a bit. It has made my communication skills amazingly better.

I'm learning a lot more how to explore and put my thoughts and feelings into words and it means a lot to me to be able to do so. I cherish this blog so much as it helps me put things into perspective and just simply express them in the first place.

Now, I have a strong urge to actually journal more. I think it will help even more, but I feel like I need to do it somewhere other than here. I don't have the time or hand strength to write, so it would still have to be a blog of sorts. I'm just always afraid people will find it somehow and I'll be completely exposed. I like sharing who I am and what I'm about a piece at a time, one person at a time, to ensure I'm ready for that to be known and to ensure I can trust the person I'm telling. I may be becoming more comfortable with expressing things, but I'm still a private person and I don't think that will ever change.

Throwback Thursday (Into Friday)

So as I sit and look through everyone's throwback Thursday pictures from today, I'm realizing that I don't really look back and "miss" the past, necessarily. I don't miss who I was then and I don't really miss that life at all. There are things I wish I had done or said or even thought differently, but there's nothing I can do about that now. There's something really great about moving forward and though I am not completely satisfied at the moment, I am in a work in progress and that's something to enjoy even if it does have struggles along the way.


I've been known to be an impatient and emotional person, but lately I seem to be okay with waiting and being able to accept things and deal with them without becoming mentally or emotionally frustrated. That's been the case, at least, for this past week or so and I'm not sure how long it will last, but I'm hoping it sticks around. I'm trying to learn patience and I think it might be starting to catch on. I had the mental maturity last year and this year I think I'm finally starting to get a grip on my emotional maturity. Things are good and I think they will continue to be as long as I can continue keep this outlook.

I'm afraid that this all might just be temporary positive energy leftover from this weekend, but I want it to be more permanent and withstanding. I really am grateful for this past weekend. Good things do come to those who wait, and I'm finally getting better at waiting. I feel like I've been given an opportunity at the same time, though and I don't want to miss out. Tomorrow is my last day to wait and see what may happen, before I try and take some action, again. In a weird way, I feel less scared lately than I normally am. I wish I knew how I have been able to do so.

(Continued...Now Friday...)

It almost seems like I woke up one day and things were just different. It blows my mind how that happens. It's scary, but really wonderful at the same time. It's weird how feeling more confident and accepting is making me feel more capable of the changes I want to make. I'm going to make those changes happen, one step at a time. I'm not going to rush or be impatient. I will be rational and honest and grateful.

Even though what I was hoping for today didn't work out, I still believe things will find their way around and end up how they're supposed to be. I'm not going to be upset, bitter, or disappointed about it. Instead, I'm continuing to look forward. And that's really all any of us can really do when you think about it. Moments don't really linger except in our minds and hearts, they simply move onto the next and the next and the next.

Stepping into the life you want, even ever so briefly, is immeasurably motivating and I intend to apply it and accomplish what it is I'm searching for.

"Oh no."

I've had a less than stellar last couple of days emotionally and mentally, stuck in a subconscious upset mood. Yesterday slowly improved throughout the day, but it finally got worthwhile when I checked my e-mail. I finally received a response from the Madison Theater about the internship I applied for. I got accepted and they wanted me to be a part of the team! Needless to say, I was ecstatic. I honestly thought they had already picked their team since I hadn't heard a response, but it felt incredible seeing I actually got it.

I was proud of myself, and really happy. I'm so incredibly insecure when it comes to so many things, with who I am and my relationships with people that when things like this happen to me I actually feel like maybe I'm not a waste and that I actually do have something worthwhile to offer if people just gave me a chance to prove it.

I told my mom about the internship when I applied and so I figured it would be perfect to call her first. I told her, I got it and the first words to come out of her mouth were, "Oh no." Talk about a slap in the face and a sting in my chest. She couldn't just say congratulations or that she was happy for me first before going into worried Mom mode, asking me if I thought I could actually handle it. I told her fuck you and basically left it there.

Wonder why I'm so insecure? Maybe it's because if my own mother can't believe in me, then who would?

I don't want this.

No wonder it's so difficult for me to trust anyone, when people are consistently letting me down or screwing me over. I've had some really incredibly loyal and caring people in my life but they have been few and far between. I don't want to seclude myself or be anti-social, but too often do I give people a chance and I just end up getting hurt. I know a lot of the time, I let people hurt me and I just take their hits and try to brush them off. But there is only so much I can take before I need to let go and get them out of my life. I've done it before and unfortunately I feel like I need to do it again.

It's always going to hurt knowing that I care about, respect, admire, and am interested in other people and that they don't give a second thought about me.

Typing out all these thoughts and feelings, I realize how negative my outlook is, but I also don't know what there is to be truly happy about.

I miss last semester so much. I feel like I'm losing who I was then and I miss that person. I miss that outlook and I want to get it back.

Monday Philosophy. Tunes, too.

The time has come to stop being such a whiny bitch all the time on here. I annoy the fuck out of myself so much. I mean, everything I say/write is honest and it is a great release for me to be able to express those thoughts and feelings and get them out in the open somehow. But seriously, I need to stop. It doesn't do me any good. People live their lives all the time just going from day to day, moment to moment, with out weaving an intricate web trying to connect it all to one ultimate goal or idea or something.

There are things that I want, but thinking about how greatly I want them has no benefit and it doesn't get me any closer to achieving that. If anything, it's worse because it makes me so wound up. So here is my mantra for the time being: stop giving yourself a mind fuck all the time.

We'll see how this new philosophy pans out. In other news...

New vinyl/CDs have made their way into my life and I'm really happy about it. John Mayer, Say Anything, and Passion Pit--some of my favorites. Other great music that has been released recently: Big Chocolate's Red Headed Locc (fucking incredible) and Cat Power's Sun (currently experiencing my first listen and it's great so far, as one would expect).

Labor Day Weekend: a summary.

Raniero's.
Skins.
Revenge of the Sith.
DHvisit.
Tony.
Rain.
Showboat.
Fireworks.
Pop's. Great conversation.
Monday is a blur...

Can't Shake.

I feel like a subtext of my posts on here has been the same lately. Lately being the past 9 months. I've gone back and forth trying to decide between holding on/being patient/believing in something more and letting go/accepting that it's all in my head/moving on.

I just can't shake the feeling of an almost cosmic connection. I know that sounds ridiculous and makes me seem pathetic. There's constantly signs and moments/circumstances that reassure me and inspire me to trust that with patience, maybe what I want will come to be.

Even with my doubts and insecurities, I know and am certain of exactly what I want. And I honestly think if the chips were to fall in the right places that what I want could be realistically ideal. I don't want to give up on that. I feel foolish and desperate almost for feeling so strongly about this. However, the thought of settling for less than my true desire awful and somewhat shameful to me. I would just be so disappointed in myself. That may not make sense, but I feel like my emotions and convictions never do to anyone other than myself and sometimes I can't even explain/understand them myself.

I really think these signs mean something, I just don't know what their significance is quite yet.
I'm probably just a fool, though.

Observation + a Tangent.

It seems to me that the vast majority of people either have the person they want or the person they need in their life. At the moment, I have neither and haven't for a long time. Or they even have someone that wants or needs them. Pretty sure I don't have one of those either.

Tangent: I had a moment today that really struck me. "Lie in the Sound" by Trespassers William came on in the car today and it was like I was hearing it for the first time. Which was made more unusual by the fact that I had listened to it a couple times the day or two before. But it's been one of my favorite songs for a long time and I listened to it more times than I can count. And yet, today I understood it and was moved by it in a way I never have before. Instead of simply appreciating its meaning, I felt it. It was extremely powerful and gave me chills. Just one of the many, many reasons why I'm in love with music.

I honestly feel like music and film (my passions) are all I have anymore. And while they make me happy, I'm constantly reminded of Chris McCandless's words: happiness is only real when shared. And I need and want to share everything I have so badly with someone.

Full of the unwanted.

It understand that life is full of the unexpected and surprises and that's a large part of what makes life so exhilarating to experience, but it would be really nice if those surprises and unexpected twists and turns would be what I want. I constantly feel like I'm settling, like I'm just accepting everything how it is and leaving it at that. While I think it is important to be appreciative of what we all do have and receive, it is nice to get what our heart's want every once in a while. I know this is a common underlying message in a lot of my posts on here, but it still stands very, very true.

Why can't my relationships with people just be what I want them to be? What am I doing wrong/missing? Whenever I finally feel like I'm establishing some stability, everything gets fucked up.

Am I the unstable one, though? Am I the one that's fucking everything up somehow?

Fighting for a possibility.

I have a really bad problem with letting go and moving on. Sometimes I feel like if I do, then I'm simply giving up and not giving myself a chance. But at the same time, I feel like holding on to something that may or may not happen or be true makes me fool. That's the last thing I want to be.

How can you let go of your deepest desire and not force your heart to break?

AFG. My world.

I've found myself inconsolable today, seeing as it's Grandpa's birthday today. The worst part about it is I woke up and forgot until I saw my aunt say something on Facebook. I mean, the fact that that happened makes me sick. The fact that he is dead makes me sick.

He changed my life forever. He inspired a great deal of my character, mind, and attributes and it breaks my heart to wonder about what a kind of effect he could have had on me now and within the last couple of  years if he had lived. I wonder how much better of a person I might have ended up being, smarter even.

"They" always say that time heals everything, but even after 8 years I still feel an ache and weight in my chest whenever I think about him. I cry just as hard if not more than at his funeral and I was fighting to breathe that day. Everything about him and the world as I saw it when he was alive is still so vivid. I remember the dark color of his skin, the lines on his feet, his smile, the smell of sawdust, the feel of the green carpet in his living room, how he walked from the garage to the house with his cane, the way he wrote on his notepad. I remember the swish of his snap pants, the smell and chill of the basement--dark and damp. The Cubs, grapefruit, golf, fig newtons, the news anchors (black man/red head female) on in the morning, wood, math/numbers, coins, states/capitals, etc., all remind me of him.  The smallest things left such a great impression on my memory and heart. The big things left their mark for sure, too.

He gave me my world and the desire to reach and work for it. To earn what I want. He taught me integrity, cleverness, fortitude, curiosity, honesty. He taught me things that matter and gave me a way of thinking and looking at things that I treasure so greatly. He made little things, big things. Every bit of information and knowledge I could learn or acquire was valuable, I was valuable. Knowledge was something worth the time and effort. Most of all, he believed in me and believed that I was capable and worthy of having knowledge and integrity and I may not have understood it then, but I sure as hell do now and I couldn't appreciate it more.

I hate that I was so young when I knew him, because I wasn't able to really know him. I knew things about him, but I didn't truly know who he was--as a father, as a brother, as a worker, as a friend, as a man, as himself.  I didn't get to ask him questions about people, about the world, about life, about myself, about real things. I have a really strong feeling that if we had had the chance those would have been some of the best conversations I would have ever had. I wish he could know me, too. Who I became and who I want to become.

I would give anything to have one more conversation with him.

Encounters of mixed feelings.

I don't know how to feel about anything right now. I feel like opportunities are staring me in the face, but I don't know if it's right to fight for them or to let them go and move on to the next thing. I'm not unhappy, but I'm not happy right now either. I feel stuck. I love the people in my life and I need them, but I feel like I can never be my whole self with them nor the self that I want to be, the self that I want to express and act on the most. The only person that has ever made me feel close to that isn't in my life, not really anyway. I don't know whether to keep hoping and trying for that to become a reality or if I should give up and accept that fact that it's just not possible for me. I feel extremely compelled to do both for various reasons and it seems to be making me emotionally distracted and detached at the moment.

I'm just so tired of not feeling comfortable and accepted in my own skin. And I don't know if I possess the honest ability to change that fact or not. I do know I want it to change, but the world never seems to be on my side in that way.

So I guess I really am useless for the time being.

The Aftermath.

This past week or so has certainly fucked with my head to say the least. Life gave me a sincere slap in the face. I've done so much thinking about my life and my mistakes recently and there's a lot I've taken from the experience. I think I needed to royally screw things up the way I did to give me the right set of mind and prepare me for this year. I know that sounds really strange, but every year there's been a new challenge and every year I've had to adapt and change and grow because of it and through it. In the end, I've always been pleased with the result, so I guess it's just a matter of practicing some patience for now. That is something of which I don't practice very well.

It's weird because my greatest fear is letting people down, but internally all I want to do is rebel because of that. I don't like the idea of others' influence having such a strong effect on me, so I like to live and act for myself as much as possible, to avoid that. While, I do think that philosophy is beneficial to me in many ways, I've come to realize that its naive to think that our actions don't affect others. Mine this past weekend could not only have screwed up my own life in so many ways, but my friends' and my familys' as well. Yet again, I need to find a way to balance. In this case, by making my own decisions and living my own life without doing so at the potential expense of others.

While I am trying to take this experience and use it as a change for the better, I can't help but feel paranoid and worried about messing up again and feel as if everyone can read it across my face and somehow knows everything that happened. Then again, I may just be stressed because school is starting up and work is really hectic this weekend, too. Part of it, I think is that everything seems to be happening at once and that always makes me a bit stressed and nervous.

I'm trying to regain my enthusiasm as much as possible about this year because I think it is what's going to get me through the next couple of days/weeks. I want to seize opportunities (this internship at Madison Theater, for example), but I'm really scared of taking on too much, so that's something I need to keep in mind and be careful of this year.

All in all, I'm hopeful and I think this should be a good year. I really am just excited to be with everyone again, I think that will help my mind set/feelings/attitude a lot.

Cheers.

Currently pushing.

I've come to realize that I seem to go through two phases. I either let everyone in or I push everyone away. Trusting people is just so complicated for me anymore.

Fuck.

What do you do when you can't be the person you want to be, but no one seems to give a shit about who you are?

In stride.

It just hit me that I need to stop thinking that everything that happens or doesn't happen means something, even if it does. I think I was happiest when I just let good and shitty things happen in stride instead of twisting it all around in my head to be a part of something more.

I need to enjoy good memories/times and appreciate them. And let the bad times go, but appreciate them, as well.

Zero tolerance.

I've had a lot of hate in my heart for a long time. First at my family's incapability to love and support each other, hate in the world for the death of my grandfather, toward my brother keeping me out of his life, my friends for betraying me, hate toward society and humanity its many flaws. Hate toward myself, whether it be for appearances or hating my thoughts, feelings, and actions/nonactions. Growing up I always wanted something more and something better and to just feel comfortable and happy with my world.

I never truly felt that way until my first year at college. I was away from my parents and the people I had always compared myself to since I was five. I was predominantly on my own and making my own choices and meeting new people. My world and how I viewed it had expanded so much. And despite the expected stress and struggles that come with life, I was happy. I was accepting.

Ever since I moved home again for the summer I have felt trapped. Trapped in an environment that I despised and that I have spent too much time in already. And now that I know that things really don't have to be the way that they always were and still are here I have zero tolerance for being "home". My mother and I can't and will never be able to coexist. I'm tired of her telling me who I am or am not, and  who I should or should not be.

I know all of this sounds incredibly whiny and melodramatic but I literally feel locked in a cell when I'm here and I honestly feel like I'm going crazy. I'm angry all the time anymore and that's not who I am nor whom I want to be.

I just want to breathe again without wanting to scream.

Lost chance. Hopefully not a last.

Well, I've officially lost all contact with the one connection that has been keeping me inspired the last couple of months. I don't know what all of this means, but I just hope that this isn't the end. I don't know what I would do if it was. I've got a lot of 'what ifs' and 'I should haves' going through my head right now. None of this helps my already sour state of mind.

I really really want another chance. I just want this one possibility to become a reality. Is that too much?

Noisy.

I have this sinking feeling in my stomach that just won't go away. It's been there for days maybe even a week or more. It's like this regretful anxiety sensation that's taking root. I feel uncertain of nearly everything and like my existence is rejected at every turn, even in the smallest ways. It's so hard to tell whether or not I'm just being paranoid, but either way it's making me lonely. I felt this way before and I hated it and I can't help but think that I'm doing something to make this the circumstance. I'm overlooking something and making the same mistake over and over again or something. Otherwise why would I cycle back into these emotions/this state of mind?

I kinda feel like I'm living in someone else's world other than my own. And this one isn't better. I have this idea of how things could be right now and I'm trying to put forth the effort to make things happen, to not be idle. It doesn't seem to working though. Everything seems to spin and spin and ultimately just crash and fall apart in the end.

I'm just unsatisfied with everything right now and I hate being that way, but I haven't really been presented with the opportunity to be the opposite either.

Lately I've been relying on stimulation from anything and everything. When I'm not satisfied I need to at least be stimulated and I'm running out of resources to make that happen. Breaking Bad was there, cleaning was there, talking with Racquel was there and now they're not really. I start my job tomorrow evening. That will definitely be stimulating, but in a much different way. I'm sure nerves and stress will return. Not exactly helpful for my lack of satisfaction.

This past month has just been a blur. A standstill. Emotionally and personally anyway. I keep hoping for the surprise of something more, something moving. Something exciting or inspiring. Something that  just stands out from everything else as something to remember, treasure--something to matter.

I'm kinda rambling. I am rambling. Because I'm all over the place mentally. I just need sleep. Sleep silences the noise.

But confidence isn't enough.

It hit me today that I spent the majority of my life being insecure and hating who I was. And now, it's not that I'm insecure about who I am, I'm actually really proud of who I am, but I just don't feel like anyone notices the things that I pride myself on. I'm confident in that I am smart, kind, honest, hard working, understanding, etc. I just wish people noticed. Or certain people did. I'm afraid that even being all that won't be enough for some. Maybe it's not enough for me either...

I can't win.

I feel like every time something good, something that makes me really happy and hopeful, happens that something equally bad has to follow. Maybe I do this to myself, over analyzing everything all the time. Certain things make me believe that my hopes might be met, but then I just end up doubting it all once a new development occurs.

 One time, I just want to win out over all the rest. I want to be the one remembered, missed, loved, wanted. 

I want to be someone's choice.

Big Chocolate.

Today was better than I ever could have expected. Reminds me that patience and hope sometimes pay off. I haven't been able to just let go and purely enjoy myself in sooo long. Really happy I was able to do so tonight. Definitely a lot of memories made today. I haven't felt this good in a long time, I hope it lasts.

Going, going, going.

I can't stop thinking about everything, all the time, everywhere. Nothing seems to be able to turn off my mind lately. I love it and hate it all at the same time.

It's time.

I have to give up and let go. At least with this one thing. I can't hold on so tightly to an uncertainty.

"The Son." The daughter, the sister, the lonely.

I finished watching "The Son" episode of Friday Night Lights and it stirred up something that has be floating through my mind the last couple of weeks/month or so. It brought up the irrefutable fact that everyone in my family grieves and suffers alone. We don't hold each other or talk in a time of need. We don't sit, we don't listen. We don't write. We don't do anything.

No one talked to be about Grandpa's death really. No one held me either. No one in this family has ever done that, period. I think that is what makes any sadness I feel so unbearable, the fact that I essentially have to face it alone, because no one in this family knows how to be emotionally and physically supportive comforting at all. We each just crawl into our own little corners and deal with our troubles by ourselves.

It's one thing if they don't wish to expose their own emotions and struggles and pain, because that is their choice to make. But I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt for them not to reach out to me through my struggles and my pain.

We feel so much and never want to show it. All I want is for us to connect and be there for one another. And so I spill my heart and soul out, trying to make us a family and give our relationships meaning, but no one puts in that same effort.

We're not a family. And I'm tired of dealing with everything by myself. I have wonderful friends, but with family things, only family can understand and yet mine doesn't and doesn't even want to, either.

I feel like the lack of affection expressed between me and my family is a large reason why I feel such a strong need to be close to everyone and for someone to be by my side through it all.

I want so badly for someone to hold me and one of my greatest fears is that no one will ever want to.

New Goal

I will lose 20 pounds by Lollapalooza.

I need to do this. And I don't care how it happens, but it just has to.

Him, again.

It freaks me out a little how much I want to be a part of his life. I just have a really strong feeling, telling me that he would have a way of making my life so much better. He would be good for me and for the person I want to be. I just want that so badly. Just by knowing him, I feel changed.

These words seem really heavy, but they're true. I am inspired and enlightened by what he knows and all that he is. No one has EVER made me feel that way and I really want to fight for that.

I doubt this is mutual, but I'm just not ready to give up on the possibility of something more for me. Whether that be a relationship, a friendship, or even just more learning and inspiring for me by his example. It doesn't matter.

He's really the only thing lately that drives me to do anything. I don't know why, that's just how it's been lately. This is one thing I don't feel indifferent about and I need the motivation because otherwise I settle and sulk and don't accomplish much of anything

Am I the only one?

I really hope it's not just me who has a problem with looking some people in the eyes. I feel like it takes a lot of effort and time with a person before I can or even try to. I seem to go into a mini panic--afraid that they're going to see through me or read my mind or something. Obviously they can't. But it freaks me out every time. I don't like the idea of being exposed or judged or my privacy being invaded, at all. I suppose this is part of what makes me come off so skittish, nervous, and awkward at times. There's not really anything I can do about it, since it's just a reflex, but it's something I've become more and more aware of lately and figured I would just point it out. So yeah, there it is.

A lot of things, all in one.

I'm not exactly sure how to describe the past week or so. My moods have been all over the place lately. There's been a lot of stress, but some spontaneous nearly perfect days in between. No surprise that those nearly perfect days were spent with my friends from school. Adam visiting was great, going to Suzanne's was fun, hanging with the gang was a good distraction. Katie's birthday party was a night to remember, too. It's been nice having those moments/nights to make all this stress, responsibility, and fear more bearable. I still feel like something is missing. Honestly, I don't know if that feeling will ever go away. I just wish I knew what to do about it.

I miss the excitement I felt every day not knowing what or who the day would have in store for me. NKU and everyone there always had a way of surprising me and affecting me and my life in ways I didn't expect. Home is the same record over and over again. I've been really bitter and cynical about home, but I had a little reminder of one thing I love about home. Sometimes it's the little things like being able to roll down my windows and listen to music in the warm sunlight--driving along our infamously winding 'country' roads.

There's so much that I want to do and be. It makes me miss the place and the people that made me feel like possibility and opportunity were at my fingertips. In world where people believed in me. Right now I feel like I'm in a world where I'm inadequate and I can't do anything right. I just wish I had someone by my side. Someone to help make everything make sense and help me understand me. Someone that I could devote some of my time and energy to. I have a lot of affection and passion to share and no one to share it with, at least not in the way I need to. And for the past couple of months, that has been really difficult to deal with. It's not easy feeling alone and unwanted/unneeded.

A lot of the confidence I had started to establish in the last couple of months is slowly disappearing. I feel repulsive. My outer appearance doesn't match up with who I am on the inside and that makes me sad and insecure. I just wish I knew what to do about it. I want so badly to lose weight, but I don't know how and when to have the time. I guess I feel insecure about feeling insecure--insecure about needing to lose weight. I know that seems kinda silly. It's just strange how I have such strong convictions and confidence in my opinions and knowledge and heart, but not my appearance or personality. I guess I just want someone to believe I'm good enough so that maybe I will, too. I want to be the girl that doesn't need to change for anyone or even herself, because she is so comfortable and proud of who she is that she doesn't feel the need to. But I'm not. And that's just one more thing for me to hate about myself.

Just like I hate how I have to expose all my deepest thoughts and feelings in this blog instead of to someone because I don't have anyone. Pretty much the only person I feel comfortable truly opening up  to is Racquel, and the opportunity just doesn't come around as often as it used to.

Looks like it's going to be just me, this blog, OTH, and 3 a.m. for a while.

Done with bitterness.

I really hate being bitter about so many things. Mostly about all the expectations I had that were never met. About all the things I wanted that I never got or that never happened. I'm bitter because my brother is not around and never was. I'm bitter because they didn't apologize. I'm bitter because I've never had that one perfect moment. I'm bitter because people ignore and refute truth. I'm bitter because of so many things and that's no way to live. I just don't know how to let all of these things go and get the weight off of me.

I need distractions so badly. That's why I love school and campus, because they each give me something to focus on besides everything whirling around in my head 24/7. I don't want to be thinking about all of this all of the time. It's exhausting.

Being home just brings everything to the surface and I just want to be as far away from it all as possible, otherwise it wears me down and out.

I return.

It's seems that it has been a while since I've posted on here. This is mostly due to the fact of being on Tumblr so often. I tried getting used to opening up on there, where people and my friends can actually read it, but I'm still not comfortable with it. Every time I do post something personal, I either go back and delete it or make it private. I just can't seem to let go and let everything out without constantly worrying about how people are going to interpret it or what they are going to think of me after they read it.

Just in general I've been realizing how focused and worried I am about how others perceive me. One moment I don't give a fuck at all and then the next I'm stressing out regretting something I said or did or didn't say or do. This isn't really something new for me, but it's still rather prevalent at the moment.

I've been pretty insecure lately, especially about this stage management job. I think I got too ahead of myself and I'm not quite ready for this, but there's no opportunity to back out now. I'm stuck. I know it will happen and eventually the whole situation will be over, but it's everything in the meantime that is freaking me out. I know that I'm not ready for this, but I'm hired and there's nothing I can do about it. The only thing I can do is try to do the best I can and make the best impression possible, but I feel like I'm barely treading water here. I have the slightest clue how to handle all of this and I'm basically going to be making it up as I go along.

But it's not even so much that I'm afraid of not succeeding. I know I will find a way to get things done, even if it may be a rough way there. It's more so that I'm afraid of what everyone will think of me--the cast, the crew, my boss, my peers. I'm afraid of seeming like a fool, especially when I already feel like one.

I haven't been this terrified in a long time and it's not helping my demeanor any. I've already been extremely on edge since moving back home. I hate being here. I miss school and my friends and my independence. Though, I love my mother to death, she is suffocating and frustrating at times--the rest of the family, as well. We're such different people and it's always chaotic and dissonant whenever we have to deal with each other. No one knows how to truly communicate with each other anymore, and no one has ever known how to open up.

No one in my family understands me. I know every teenager as said that once in their lifetime and probably way more than that, but it doesn't make the statement any less true. They really don't understand me. That's why I miss having people around me that for that most part do. At least then, I can have some peace of mind thanks to their company. Without them, though, all of this stress and responsibility is absolutely miserable.

All in all, I just feel lost right now. But I haven't been able to figure out why.

Tonight I thought of one possibility. I was thinking about Grandpa and how close we were compared to everyone else. And about how highly he thought of me. Then I realized that that explains a lot. All I want is to feel that way again--to be the favorite, be special, mean the most to someone. My entire life I've been struggling between trying to matter and never feeling like I'm good enough. And then there were points in my life where I thought I finally was the favorite, was special, and did mean the most. First with Grandpa, then Racquel, Robbie, Sammy, Taylor, Mr. Raver, Staley, Heisel, etc. But it always seemed to turn out that I wasn't. I lost people or got replaced. I'm sure this makes me sound needy and desperate, but honestly I just want to feel close to someone and not get them and that feeling ripped away from me.

I am independent and I don't need someone 24/7, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't want someone.

I want work to distract me from all this emotional and personal stuff going on with me right now--feeling alone and missing everyone, and never knowing how to deal with my family. But when work is part of the issue, life gets a lot more complicated, confusing, and stressful.

Once again I have talked myself through a circle, so I suppose I should stop here considering I practically wrote a novel, too.

There's just a lot going on right now and I am completely lost as to how to take care of it all.

A line of truth.

It's kinda funny how I know exactly what I want for my life and the people in it, but not how to get it. I'm just too scared and I hate that.

Irony haunts me.

I find it really strange how after I pull back and let go of all hopes and expectations, I finally get what I want. The moment I give up on some people and on some things happening, then they do. I'm not complaining, but it just makes life really difficult. It's like I go through days or ever a week or so of turmoil, trying to figure out how to deal with things and gain a different perspective and attitude and then that something that I was waiting for happens.

Then again, at the same time, there are things that I have wanted for so long that never unfolded. The prime example: my brother finally stepping up. At this point, I give up on that ever happening. That's old news really.

But these more recent developments have me all confused. I basically told myself that everything that I wanted to mean something, in reality, didn't mean anything. All just casual, normal. And while I still believe that, I can't help but be comforted by the fact that this time he reached out to me, brought me into his private world. Even as friends, that means something.

However, despite all of this, I have decided that I'm not going to let little things influence me anymore. I am sticking to what is within my control and what is necessary for me to do. Despite what I want, I have responsibilities and now is the time to start paying attention to them again.

A long, long walk.

Some instinct or impulse stirred in me tonight and it took me on a late night walk. I just walked around campus, listening to music, letting my thoughts flow, and enjoying the fresh air. I needed time to myself and purely myself. It was extremely relaxing, but it was difficult to bring myself back to the dorm.

I came back and felt drawn to my Buddhist book. I wandered back outside and sat down in the eye and started reading. I am sure I seemed strange just sitting there that late at night as it was getting colder, reading a book of all things. It was one of those times, I just didn't care, though. I was so focused and centered in my own thoughts, everything and everyone else sort of drowned out.

It was interesting, though, to witness everyone come and go, to see what happens outside while I'm typically closed up in my dorm. I like watching people, studying them. I just find them fascinating. I find myself curious about their worlds, how they are the same as or differ from mine.

I had some visitors that caught me off guard. I had been in my own world for so long at that point that I didn't know how to respond. I felt judged and I realized I just need to let go. Of a lot of things. I'm not going to sit and wait for things to get better or worse. I'm just going to do what I need to do and that's it.

I need to stop caring about everything and everyone, especially considering it's all rarely reciprocated. My focus needs to be on only the rational, the logical, the necessary. And I need to stop trying to control every bit of my life. I'm reaching one of those points where I have to stop and reconfigure my approach and attitude.

Stop hoping and just be.

Tattoo Ideas:

mad to live

evolve

darwin fish w/ headphones

no limits

there, there

purple heart/AFG

i am i am i am

small buddha/with "i am i am i am" below it

fight or flight

yes/no

WHAT COMES NEXT

?

Why

chaos vs. order

integrity

flux

world/globe (grandpa)

A.M. Ramblings.

I have to admit that I haven't really liked who I've been lately. It's not like I've been acting drastically differently or anything, but I just feel like my attitude and demeanor has changed some. I don't know why and I don't know how to fix it. But I find myself saying and doing things that afterward I wish I could take back. I don't like that I said them, how I said them.

I always try to speak with a purpose and I feel like a lot of my words have been said without that lately. Or at least, with the wrong purpose maybe. It's not like I've been saying mean or rude or unreasonable things, but none of it comes out the way I mean or want it to and that is very frustrating for me.

I feel as though I'm in a subconscious state of panic. The end of the school year is coming and I don't want this all to end. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited for school and summer, but there are aspects of my life right now that I don't want to let go of. I don't want them to disappear. Plus, I'm really not looking forward to living with my mom again. I mean, it will be nice in some ways, but after being pretty independent for this long, it's going to make it difficult to make the transition.

Having all of this and all my finals and homework on my mind is stressing me out a bit, I think and maybe this is why I've been speaking and acting more strangely lately. I'm not sure, but I just want to make the most of this last month and ensure that certain things and people stay in my life after this semester is over...and that includes the person I have become throughout this year. Because all in all, I've been pretty proud of my development. I hope it continues.

3/29/2012: Performance Thoughts

Yesterday was a somewhat emotional day for me, or evening rather. It was one of those times when I doubt myself, my relationships with my friends and people around me. Typically I feel confident that I'm seen as a nice, intelligent, fun, and even quiet person. I believe this is true, but I wonder if I'm actually liked and respected. I mean, I think my characteristics add up to being a good and likeable person, but I think to others these might not add up to the same thing. Some days I think people like who I am and the next I eel as though they think I'm strange. Maybe I read into people and situations too much, maybe I'm just paranoid. I don't know, I just wish there was a way for people's thoughts and opinions to be more clear to me.

I am saying this of people in general and of one in particular, too. Last night I gave up o my interpretations of almost everything, believing it all to be figments of my mind, imagination, and wishes. What hope I had for stronger relationships with people and this one in particular was gone.

Today's events seemed to confuse me even more on that front. I had pleasant exchanges, but they were just exchanges. I kept telling myself that this morning, trying to establish a different, more healthy, and more realistic perspective. It was strange, then, the circumstance of the encounter just an hour or so later. What were the chances? Is there such a thing as simple coincidence? Was this it or did that happening mean something? I struggle with this everyday, wondering if things really are "meant" to happen or if it's all just a series of happenstance. The left side of my brain says "coincidence," but the rights and certainly hopes that it is something more, or at least a necessary notch in my path.

However, to kepp myself from fantasizing, I tell myself that it's not going to make what I want to happen, happen. I know this to be true, but I'm still haunted by the question of, "What would have to happen in order for what I want to become reality?" As much as I want for things to mean something, not expecting and not hoping is much safer in this case, and most of the time, really. This way, I won't be so easily affected my every little thing.

But at this point, what am I to do? Do I hold on and hope, deep down? Do I let go as much as possible? Do I attempt a more active approach? Do I wait and just let everything take its course?

For almost any and every situation in my life I find the appropriate answer eventually. But this, specifically, has proven to be more difficult and complicated. I honestly don't know.

I'm scared and I always have been when it comes to matters of the heart. The matters of my mind I am sure of--my beliefs, convictions, opinions, integrity, knowledge. The heart of my brain and the mind of it are quite often at odds, though.

I just feel so passionately. Thinking of the possibility is like breathing new, fresh air. But the fear of no possibility is nearly unbearable.

This is one time where complete apathy would be wonderful.

Delusion imagery.

Mom took me out to dinner tonight after the show and as usual my mind kept wandering. I came to think about Matt and how frustrated I have been with him lately. I have always looked up to him and wanted to be more like him. Then, I started to think, "what if everything I thought him to be, he wasn't?" I mean, what if I just create this image of the person he was in my head, because that's who I assumed and interpreted him to be? I think my imagination gets the best of me sometimes, no matter how logical and reasonable I try to be. The image of him in my head isn't who he really is, I don't think, and I think I'm finally coming to accept that.

This is going to suck to say, but I don't even know if I like the person that he is. I'm still not even sure who that person is, but it's not like I'll ever get the chance to know because he doesn't let anyone in. My whole family puts up so many walls it's not even funny. I'm not looking forward to the summer and being stuck outside of those walls. Sometimes I feel like we each live on a different planet. I'm just so tired of being the only one who cares enough to pay attention.

Yet another realization.

I have realized I can welcome a sister into my life, but I can never forgive my brother for not being a brother to me.

When mom and dad stopped being a family, I hoped Matt and I would put the fighting aside and would become one, just the two of us. But now that he will have his own, that's not going to happen. Being denied family unity, makes me want to find unity elsewhere that much more. I know I probably sound like a broken record lately, but seriously. I want to make a life for myself, a family for myself. I just want people to understand and appreciate me for my mind and my heart, and not for the image they have made in their own heads of who my am. I want people in my life that see who I am and that care enough to actually look.

My family doesn't have any clue who I am and I don't know if that is all their 'fault', or if a lot of it is me not letting them know, hiding from them. But really they're clueless, especially Matt. And the lack of effort to change that fact is frustrating.

I'm honestly to the point of giving up on him--giving up on ever knowing him and on him ever knowing me. He and the rest of the family can keep their delusions of life all they want, but I don't want to be a part of it anymore. I just can't handle it. I've evolved so much in the past year that I don't think I can go back to playing the game with them anymore. I'm done being quiet. I'm not going to burst out in tear-filled tantrums like freshman and sophomore year, but I'm not serving to please them. I'm standing my ground with my convictions, passions, and beliefs. And I'm not apologizing for it.

I'm also not entirely sure where all of this is spurring from, but all the time in silence in the booth just begs for the gears in my head to turn and turn and contemplate all of this stuff. I need to figure out how to channel it into something other than an emotionally-charged ranting on the web. But alas, here it is.

Hello rain. You can go away now.

As I was typing up my previous post that I wrote a couple days ago, it became appallingly apparent how much has changed in just 24 or so hours. Today has been dark, rainy, dull, and rather annoying.

It's not a secret that the rain puts me in a bad mood automatically, but watching Footloose today was rather stressful, too. And seriously don't even get me started on my mother. Which, of course means that I am definitely going to start on her and go into a long rant about her.

She's so unbelievably frustrating sometimes, today being one of them. But it's not unusually for her to get under my skin and annoy me. Today she actually got under my skin to the point of hurting my feelings a little bit. It amazes me how insensitive and rude she can be and how she thinks that she is just "teasing" as she calls it. She says teasing like that doesn't imply something negative. Teasing isn't really a good thing, especially not in the way she does it. And the way she teases is just plain mean sometimes. For today, in particular, she essentially insulted my appearance saying how awful my acne looked. Now, that's something that everyone notices and nobody actually points out because it's not polite. She acted as if it was better that my mother say it then someone else, which is a completely skewed point of view in my opinion, because people can expect other people to be rude or blunt to you, but your mother isn't the one that should be insulting her own daughter. That's just not how it goes. Ideally, no one should, but certainly not a family matter.

In general, I feel rather in adequate today. Between my mothers statements, and how some of the tech have been treating me lately. It's like they don't expect me to do well, which, to be honest, really sucks. I understand they want everything to go right and I'm sure I would be the same way in their position, but with how I'm feeling already today, that's the last thing I need is for more people other than myself to have doubts about me.

I really just want to blame it all on the weather, which really isn't that outlandish of a thing to do, in my opinion. I don't know, I honestly feel like getting a good cry out. Maybe I'm just a bit more vulnerable today since I finally watched the "Danny Boy" episode of One Tree Hill and was sobbing for an hour today.

Either way, I want the sunshine and positive vibes back. And soon!

3/20/2012: Rehearsal Thoughts

It seems like all the good days lately have been warm and sunny. Or, at least, the warmth and the sun make the day better simply by their presence. I ran into the Gemini a couple times, he engaged with me the second time. The weather was lovely and I spent lunch out on the ampitheater with my theater friends. Afterward I went to Taylor to help with Footloose on Monday. Backstage is better, but I still worry about the show itself. It was an especially fun time with Alex and Nicholas, Monday. It's really nice to "hang out" and joke and talk with them and the people at school. Especially after how dull the conversations were over the weekend (excluding the Monticello party and afterward, of course).

I can't get over how much I love my life right now, despite the stress and responsibility, I am having the time of my life and I plan on enjoying every moment of it.

Tuesday started off "meh," and turned out to be pretty great thanks to Gemini. Once again, he engaged me in conversation, glances, laughter, questions, his life. I felt so much closer to him yesterday after that. It was exhilarating. We are so open and friendly sometimes and barely conversational at others. I guess it just might depend on when we catch one another throughout the day, but it just makes it confusing. I am trying my best to be patient and not be too eager/anxious. I still maintain that he should make the first move and that seems to be working so far. I just hope (like I have said time and time again) that things keep progressing and moving forward. I want so badly for this one thing to work out in my favor, one way or another. Somehow.

Beyond that, today was beautiful and I got to hang out with Aaron at Fernbank. In some ways, I think we're closer now than ever. It makes me happy because he puts effort and care into our friendship--something I feel a lot of my friends don't do. It's days like these that make me so excited for summer--the freedom and the joy--and being carefree.

Dystopia Project Thoughts: Without Art Means No Relationships

What is it that makes people connect and form close relationships? I say it's their emotions and reasoning. When it comes down to it, that is what makes a sincere and lasting bond. When you feel the same that is when empathy and understanding exist--two of the most important factors of a relationship. Our emotions are fueled by what we see, hear, taste, touch, experience around us. There is a certain artistic enlightenment derived from the land, sky, ocean, beach, mountain, and landscapes and "scenery" in general. Even buildings, cars, technology, tools, furniture, anything really, can have artistic value to it. Typically, no one is going to form a lasting bond over simply a Jeep, knowing the same building, liking the same chair, etc. It's possible, but a lot of other factors are involved. Plus, the reason why these objects would even possibly have artistic or emotional meaning or significance to us is because of our ability to recognize and appreciate art. But if art and creativity were to ever be erased from our world it would be difficult to care about anything, and therefore are capacity to relate and connect with one another would be weak or even lost. Once people lose the ability to connect and unite, they become extremely susceptible to influence and control, and fall apart as a functioning society.

Yesterday's Sunshine.

Yesterday was seriously so beautiful in a multitude of ways.

Not only did I wake up to the most wonderful weather, but I got to wear my Kings of Leon concert tee (which, in retrospect, probably wasn't the best idea since it is black and it was sunny and hot out, but I love it, so it doesn't matter), but also I had a refreshing smoothie, had a good hair day, and got to shoot a lil' film with a friend from my HP literature and film class. I got my mini-tutorial on the light board, which helped, but I am still nervous about the whole thing. So that wasn't the greatest part of my day, but I did get to see Britt and Katie while I was there so that was rather nice.

But the highlight of my day came soon afterward. Heading to my car to drive home to help out at Taylor, I debated with myself for a few moments whether or not to quickly go back to my dorm to change my shirt/grab my sunglasses. Well, I did and it was the best decision I made all week. I was pleasantly surprised by that someone. There was a great conversation, not deep or meaningful or personal or anything, but it was light, simple, fun, friendly. Sometimes those are the best kind. I don't know what all of it meant, if anything, but I hope it is a sign of good things to come, big or small.

It was one of those moments, even one of those days, that seemed...familiar somehow. Almost like a memory. When I have moments like that I feel connected to something--the universe, the cosmos, fate, whatever you want to call it. Like everything was in sync that today and what was meant or supposed to happen did. It's nearly impossible to put into words, but I am sure that whenever I look back and read this I will know the feeling/sensation I am talking about. I felt like I was on the right path yesterday and I was rewarded for my attitude and efforts. Seems strange and maybe even a stretch, but it couldn't have been a stronger feeling than that.

It just felt really good to be alive yesterday. A lot of memories were made that day and they all gave me good feelings in one way or another. Even my moment of anger.

I think that it's days like yesterday, moments like yesterday's, that make it all worth it. Going through months of winter, rain, and struggle and then to be rewarded with a perfectly spectacular day like that, is probably one of the greatest feelings possible and I'm so happy I got to experience it.

Confession

It's kinda crazy how fast my heart was beating earlier today, anxiously waiting to see you. Ididn't realize just how much I missed seeing you until then. You fascinate me and I want to get to know you.

That's all.

(Nice Dream)

I hate waking up from a good dream. It’s like losing a fond memory forever, and you realize that nothing can ever truly be as you hope it to be. And yet, we all still hold on to that small strand of possibility that our hopes and dreams can one day be a reality. I know I still do. Because if you don’t have hope, then what point is there?

Meh.

The topic of discussion the past week in class has revolved around emotion. It got me thinking a lot about the emotional phases I have gone through in the past year. I kinda tensed up throughout a lot of the discussion because emotion is so personal to me and I can never seem to choose just one. My emotions are all over the place and that's how I felt talking about them. With anything else, I can rationalize and be reasonable and create and argument, I couldn't with this. I just felt like I babbled and didn't really have anything to say that served a purpose. This past week I've just felt really out of my own skin and I don't like it. I feel a lot like I did at the beginning of senior year and I'm not so sure that that's a good thing. I feel almost stagnant and I don't know how to get away from that.

I just want to be moving forward, but instead I'm stuck for whatever reason.

Thoughts from rehearsal last night.

"This is what I hate about having a period of happiness, pure contentment. I hate that it can't last. I know that it can't, of course, but the ordinary hits so much harsher after bliss. Sometimes I wonder if it is all in my mind--that I make things up or interpret things a certain way in order to make myself happy. One day I want it to be real and to know that it is real. For once, I want that kind of certainty in my life. I feel like I deserve at least that.

I want more than anything to find that with someone--someone to inspire me every day with a little bit of happiness and let me do the same for them. I've finally found someone I want that with and with whom I think it could actually work. I just don't know how to make it happen.

I've never been the type of girl to give even a second though to Valentine's Day or even relationships in general; however, this year I have thought about it. I feel like I'm honestly ready for a relationship, even a fling or whatever. Without my best friends around all the time, I could really enjoy having someone to share my thoughts, feelings, and time with. Not only wanting, but also being ready for a relationship and not know what to do about it, is extremely difficult. "

I just feel like I feel everything to one extreme or another. I can't just be mildly sad or mildly happy. Maybe not all the time is it this way, but fairly often. And I don't know whether that is a good thing or not...?

And I'm to the point where I really just want someone to be mine, to have that person that is loyal and connected and honest with me. I want a partner in this life. It doesn't have to be forever and I doubt anything ever will be that way, but I don't know, someone just would be nice.

As such a logical and reasonable person I get caught up in my emotions so easily and I just wish I knew how to control them. I guess when it comes down to it, all I want is to be happy. But I would really like for that one person to be here to help me with that.

I need to be patient, I guess, and just see where things go from here.

Yesterday.

I don’t think I truly realized how much I have changed in the last couple months, especially since college, until yesterday. I have noticed changes with my inner self throughout, but I guess I never really saw a distinguishable point between who I was and who I am presently. And I just thought I was noticing a change because of being me. Now knowing that someone else sees the change in me, too, it makes it more real to me, I suppose. Thankfully, it seems to be a change for the better.

Talking with J again was such a, for lack of a better word, different experience compared to all the conversations I had with him in high school. Quite honestly, I am rather embarrassed about the way I reacted to my troubles then and how I told them to him. He had just always cared about what happened to me and how I felt, which was something I didn’t feel from many, if any, others at the time. I was extremely childish, sensitive, and—I hate admitting it—naive. Last year was the hardest year of my life and I was miserable throughout most of it. Somehow I got through it and I moved on and found a way to let it all go and now I’m in a better, healthier, and happier place because of it.

Sometimes I still have my doubts, though, about whether or not I am truly growing, maturing, and becoming the person I want to be. Hearing J say that I looked physically happier and that he could see a difference in me and improvement was rather surreal. I’m not sure if I have the words to describe it. But the fact that he could see that within the first five minutes of talking to him really meant a lot to me.

I wasn’t as nervous as I normally am talking with him either. I guess I feel less inferior now. Talking with him and Senor made me realize how much I miss just talking about my thoughts and feelings with someone. I’ve been so busy that I think I forget to express myself. Right now, I feel like I don’t have people to be this open and honest with, since all of the people I can do so with are away.

Maybe that’s why I felt compelled to write all of this here. Because I just wanted to tell my story, even if no one will hear it.

Feels good to have my heart race.

Can I please just rant here about my current fascination? I can't remember the last time I have felt this way--full of excitement and nerves and totally captivated by a person. I don't know if there is any real possibility of a friendship or anything more than that, but I am happy about feeling this way.

Just knowing that there is such a person that likes the things I like, and thinks the way I do, and has a similar humor, but is still very different from me is reassuring and pleases me. It gives me hope that it is possible to find these traits in someone. Whether anything will come of this, I do not know. But this definitely does restore my hope for finding the right someone, eventually. As for right now, I am appreciating and respecting this new acquaintance.

I can't seem to find the appropriate and best fitting words to explain how good it feels to feel this. I have focused so much on school and work and my professional/adult self lately and not enough on my emotional/young self. This person, among other contributing factors, have inspired that in me and I am grateful.

But I will admit, that I do wish for something more to come out of it, for, I truly enjoy this feeling.

Quick post before bed.

While Elizabeth is blow drying her hair, I figured I would quickly type up my realization and therefore current frustration with myself. I have thought this a few times in the past month or so, but it really has been becoming clear to me lately. I've realized how arrogant I come off sometimes, especially when working. I know that part of it is that I'm just trying to get things done and I know an efficient or productive way of doing things and I enforce it, which is fine. Though, sometimes I am insecure about that, I do know that most of the time it is understandable and necessary.

However, the way I talk about things sometimes I feel like I am coming off like I'm bragging. Nick's been teasing me lately about NKU here and there and I'm not necessarily bothered by him teasing me, I'm bothered by the fact that I gave him something to tease me about. Because, clearly I have made statements like, "At NKU we have...", "We did it this way when...", and so and so forth. And though, I only mentioned it informatively, or casually, but after I say it I hear how it could seem like I'm being pompous, which I don't want to be or even appear to be at all. I hate people like that and I don't want to be one of them.

It's just strange, because here at school I am so quiet and humble and I do things when I am told and that's about it. But back in the THS scene, I become more authoritative. I think part of it is being comfortable with the people there, knowing them and the system so well and the fact that I am now older than all of them. I feel more like an equal with Allison, Bret, and Nick than I do with the professors in the theatre department, which is natural at this point. I really hope that my letting such statements slip is just a result of the more familiar atmosphere and not that I subconsciously I think that I'm above them. I don't want to believe that I could be vain, but then again I am human. It's a part of nature at times.

I do know that I want to make a conscious effort of not making statements like this anymore and keeping my humility while still getting my job done and getting the most of the learning experience.

Chamber of Secrets Novel Blog

This might seem strange to you all, because it seems strange to me, too, but technically this is the first time I have read Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets all the way through. I think I might have finished it in second grade when I first started reading it, but I didn't remember any of the last quarter of it until I saw the movie. I tried to read it a second time years later and couldn't get past the Deathday Party chapter. After reading it again, I can't help but laugh and shake my head at my head at myself now because it just seems ludicrous that I never finished it. I would like to emphasize, however, that my not reading it wasn't a reflection of it's value or integrity as a good novel. I enjoy the story of the second one much more than the first.

In general, I actually think that the second book improved in the story sense from the first, though. It seemed that in the Sorcerer's Stone a lot more scenes and instances that were not necessarily related to the plot were written. Despite the entertainment or informational value of them, they didn't necessarily move the plot along. For, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, nearly every scene eventually proves to aid plot development and bring the characters closer to solving the mystery of the Chamber and all its secrets and perils.

The mystery of the Chamber, I think is one of the most interesting ideas that Rowling comes up with throughout the series, though there are so many. As well, I think it sets the beginning of a tone and atmosphere that she creates and maintains for the rest of the series. The Sorcerer's Stone opens our eyes to this awe-inspiring world through Harry's. Though, it had it's darker elements, I think in Chamber of Secrets is the first time the idea starts hitting harder home that, "Wow, the Wizarding world has seen some dark and evil times and could again." It's the first glimpse past the fascination to the darker reality. Like I said, I think Sorcerer's Stone had this in it toward the end, too, but I think a stronger impression of it is made in Chamber of Secrets.

Despite it being a smaller part of the novel, one of my favorites is the scene where Harry overhears other students talking about him. I personally found it very interesting to get that perspective of Harry from other people's view. For the most part readers understand that the Gryffindors typically support Harry, and the Slytherins despise him, but hearing students from other houses and just other students in general was intriguing. This is true, especially considering that these other students don't know or see everything that we are exposed to in Harry's point of view. That's why I think it's neat to see how one my interpret Harry's actions and personality from an explicitly outsider's point of view.

My one wish for the novel would be to know more in full detail what Ginny wrote in the diary and the struggle she went through, even what it felt like to have part of Tom Riddle's soul in her own. The book reveals a great deal more than the movie, but even that bit of it in the book made me want to know more about that situation and to get to know Ginny better as a character.

Upon finishing the book, I looked at the accolades for the first Harry Potter book on the back inside cover of the hardback edition and one of them caught my attention. From School Library Journal, "Surely the vilest household in children's literature since the family Roald Dahl created for Matilda. Harry himself is the perfect confused and unassuming hero." I really like what this says, one, because it's true, and two, because it made me realize the similarities the two author's have in their style of writing.

Questions

1. Regarding the possibility of Dobby being a JarJar Binks type character: do you think that Dobby is a successful use of that sort of stereotype or not? (I apologize for the wording of this question, I struggled with how best to phrase it.)

2. If you could make polyjuice potion, who would you want to turn into for an hour?

Sunday's Miscellaneous Thoughts (On Monday)

I don't know what it is, but lately all I want to do is blog. Record all my thoughts and feelings down. The more I post, the more I want to, it's kinda strange. I guess, I'm getting rather attached to this because it's the one place where I can be fully honest and not worry about other people at all. I don't tell anyone about this, just for the reason--so that all this information stays private--but sometimes I wish people knew what I wrote. Maybe if they read some of this, they would know me better. I don't know. All in all, though, I think I'd rather it stay private. That way I can keep this little "sanctuary" of mine.

A lot of opportunities have come my way already this semester and I am very excited about them. But it just gets me thinking a lot about the future. I just wish I knew how my life turned out. It's just frustrating when I want two lifestyles that don't necessarily mesh well together. I know I shouldn't and don't need to plan out my future, but I just want to be prepared. Prepared and ready and able to recognize when the right path comes my way. I don't want to miss it and wind up regretting it later on.

Some quick mentions of various stuff from the last couple of days: found someone I'm interested in, Season 9 of One Tree Hill started, Matt got hired by a recording artist to play bass, Skyped with Alison for hours, went to Diana's dance store, started the Farnsworth Invention, had dinner with Sarah, the Golden Globes, lunch with Kim tomorrow. Just some things to remember.

HP and the Sorcerer's Stone Blog for Blackboard

Watching the Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone was a bit like going back in time for me. It brought back a lot of memories for me about the series itself, about the movies, and about myself. This was the first Harry Potter movie I have watched since seeing the final one in theaters, so with the end rather fresh in my mind and then going all the way back to the beginning made for an intriguing experience and it hit me once again just how much the story relates and parallels my own life.

When the first book was published I was eleven years old, the same age as Harry. Since then, with every year, I have grown with these characters as they grow. Therefore, when watching the movie I couldn't help but be reminded of a smaller, younger version of myself. Curious, a little insecure, excited to learn, naive, but with a good heart.

With any given time of reflection, retrospect, or hindsight, one sees and realizes things that might not have been so obvious at first or when it was happening. While watching the movie I began picking up on a lot of stuff that during any previous viewings of the movie, I would not have normally noticed or given a lot of thought or that were reinforced in my mind.

For instance, in general I think it is very clear that Christopher Columbus did the best job out of all the directors to stay true to the book, which I think is vitally important for any book, but especially for a series, because he essentially had the responsibility of establishing the world of Harry Potter as everyone had seen in through the books and as everyone would see it from then onward as the other books and movies were released. He did a wonderful job of capturing the world and the people, in my opinion. But, I think part of why he was more successful with this was because he directed for the shortest books. With less text to reference and include, he had more room to be creative.

It's difficult for me not to reiterate a lot of what has been mentioned and discussed on here because I agree with and noticed a lot of it as well. I will add, however, one disappointment I have with the movie, which happens to deal with one of the few things that wasn't included in the movie as it was in the book, but adapted and done differently. I'm speaking about the scene where Harry overhears Snape and Quirrell. The dialogue is different, and even more different is the setting in which this conversation takes place. I understand why this scene and the scene with the mirror take place at the same time, for cinematic purposes, but I think it's more intriguing and places more suspicion on the characters with how it is written in the book.

The majority of my thoughts and commentary toward Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone are about the book, so I will refrain from discussing them just yet. I would like to end with my favorite scene from the book and movie which is the scene with the Mirror of Erised. As far as it's relation to Harry as a character/human being, I think it is a heartbreaking moment where his loneliness and yearning for love and family is extremely palpable and is a moment where the audience becomes ultimately attached to him and his story. At least, that was the case for me. Cinematically, I think it is a beautiful visual and one of my favorites from the whole series.

Thus, my first question to you all is:

What is your favorite scene in the first movie and why? Is it because of the writing, the visual, the characters, or something else?

My second:

...?