Assortment.

You know those things in life that naturally fill voids and just make the hard things a little easier? I feel disconnected from mine and like some are slipping away. At the same time, there doesn't seem to be anything I can do. And those that I can do, I'm too scared to--afraid that it's never the right time, that I'm not ready, or that it will be a mistake in some way and I'll regret it.

I haven't been this doubtful in a long time and I think it's because I'm not in the environment that nurtures me and allows me to thrive and grow. I feel caged here. Every time I come 'home', it's like reverting back to high school and growing up when I was predominantly miserable. Clearly I don't want that, but I also don't know how to overcome it either.

I don't think about or miss Taylor when I'm at NKU because they are both home in their own special way. However, knowing that Taylor is freezing in time and has a foreseeable end being attached to it, I feel as though a bit of me is aching to hold on. It truly is like when someone dies and you go into this panic of fear, knowing that nothing could possibly be the same without it. I know the new will bring so many opportunities to students, teachers, and the community, but it's hard to let go of the one thing that held us all together as a singular common ground--a shared and unified home. We didn't have the best things but by far we had the greatest pride, drive, and heart. I don't want to see that go away or being replaced and taken for granted.

(Note: This was typed late afternoon on Wednesday, May 29th.)

What's next...

As of right now it seems as though I am in a transitioning process between the previous and the next step and time/section/part of my life. It's not yet established what this summer will be like and that is both exciting and intimidating for me.

I'm hoping to have more meditative and reflective time this summer and do things purely for my own serenity. As well, the goal is to finally make a change in my eating and exercising habits in hopes that it will lead to a happier and healthier lifestyle both physically and mentally. It will definitely be a "one step at a time" process, but I think I have finally developed enough patience and will power to actually give it all a legitimate try.

My situation with work is in a strange place in my head and heart. I enjoy what I do and the company and I continue to learn a lot from my experiences there. However, a part of me is starting to feel like just a cog in a machine and I still don't quite understand the machine in some ways. I feel out of place at times and more like an inconvenience than an asset.

Between that being in the back of my mind and everything with Grandma, Uptown, Cappies, and Dad, I don't think I'd be handling it all this well if it weren't for Miller's philosophy class. I feel like I'm not going into things as blindly as I would before and I have a better sense of how to respond to the world around me and distinguish between what is reality or necessary versus the perception of it all that my mind tries to make for itself.

And lastly, there is still a great deal of mystery and uncertainty with this new addition to my life. I don't what it means or where it is going. I don't know if I have any control in the matter or not. All I know is that it brings me joy and enthusiasm and evokes parts of me and allows me to express myself in ways I previously doubted anyone give me the chance to.

Therefore, the question of what's next is still dangling in the air, unanswered. And for once, I'm actually okay with that (at the moment).