Realizing the inevitable.

A lot has been on my mind lately (obviously, as always) and what has hit me is that I think the only thing worse than losing someone or something is knowing that you are or will lose them. Cassidy's death still has my heart aching, but I have a pit in my stomach knowing that my Grandma will more than likely be next. On top of that I feel the impending loss of my best friend upon me. Sadly I've felt it coming for a while now, but today confirmed a lot of my fears.

The roomie is most definitely cutting me out of her life completely. While I don't think she sees it that way, that's essentially what it is. Regardless, our friendship is a side note and not a priority. The boyfriend is the priority. Of course. It was hard enough not feeling needed, but now I don't even feel wanted as a friend anymore. 

We are more than likely going our separate ways in the near future and I have a feeling it will mean the final nail on our coffin. As dramatic as that sounds, it really has been a slow, but sure decline for us and it really breaks my heart. I've lost friends in more ways than one more times than I'd like and it doesn't get easier. I just always feel like I'm the "best friend" and "sister" and "favorite" until something/someone better comes along. And that hurts, it really really hurts. 

This is probably the first friendship where I felt like I "belonged" and like I was fully understood. Obviously Racq and I have been friends for forever and we will always know each other best, but we don't always understand each other because we are so incredibly different. I thought I had finally found that friend that was so much like me and it was effortless to be friends. We saw the world the same way. That meant so much to me and now I'm at the point where I have to prepare myself to say goodbye to that.

Friendship is the most important thing to me. More important than family. Friendship IS family to me. That being said, this situation is honestly killing me inside and I don't think there's anything I can do about it. 

HBD.

A reflection is long past overdue. The last couple of months have been a whirlwind for sure. It all feels surreal in a way though, too. I actually survived and succeeded with my first show. I made it through. I did it. That impending point in my life is now a part of my past. This process helped me find a new confidence in myself, which is always a good thing for me. I just want it to last. So far other aspects of my life seem to be in a fairly good place, which also helps.

I'm on my way to finally believing in myself and my potential and my worth. With baby steps, but I am. I am still confident in what I want, but I have not tackled the fear of not ever having it. I've always held such a negative self-esteem and I get so lost in my thoughts that sometimes I forget that other people perceive me differently, which is both good and bad at times.

I realize I should and need to be more forward and straightforward about my thoughts and feelings, but for some reason it's so incredibly difficult for me to express either without convoluting it or being so vague. I either divulge too much to the point where no one can translate it other than me or too little to keep my walls up.

What it all boils down to is that it's really hard for me to see myself as wanted, appreciated, or respected because I've felt invisible and insignificant my whole life. Lately, it's been somewhat of the opposite and that has really thrown me for a loop and given me a lot to think about.