Winter Funk.

My "winter funk", as I like to call it, is already hitting me pretty hard. I find myself trying to being hopeful and borderline day dreaming a lot lately. I've always done that, but lately it's not giving me the drive it normally does. Instead, I end up talking myself out of it all. I come up with reasons for everything to be impossible. Unrealistic. Not for me.

Nothing actually works out for me the way I want and I've been conditioned to expect that. I do and that's the result. Always. Nothing ever positively follows through for me. I absolutely despise thinking so negatively. That's not who I want to be at all. My every bit of my logic and reason knows and realizes the reality. I wish, and I hope, and I think, and I invent the possibilities, but the possibilities are never actuality.

I can't have the family I want, the friends I want, the people I want, the life I want. I don't think it makes me greedy to want these things. I just want to know that they are attainable. And so far, I see no inclination of hope that they are.

Maybe I'm my own worst enemy and I have sealed this fate for myself. Either way, it doesn't suck any less.

I love, appreciate, and respect so many things and people and I want to feel that in return. And even when I do receive it, it's so momentary. The pattern of my life seems to be that nothing lasts. I don't know what or whom to depend on.

I've felt this way for so long and I'm really, really scared that it won't change. What then?

All of this sounds petty and whiny, but I really do feel it profoundly. I have a visceral feeling in my gut that tells me this isn't stupid, it's significant.

Even if I ever did receive the love and appreciation I so desire, I don't think I could trust it. I wouldn't believe it. Currently, I don't trust it, I don't believe in it. I don't know when I developed all this doubt and skepticism, but here it is.

I have no clue where who I used to be went, but the me I used to know is gone. The me I have been lately makes me uncomfortable and I don't like it. I feel like I'm out of my skin or something of the sort. I feel like this could be an opportunity for a better version of myself to grow, but I don't feel like I'm growing at all. I feel stuck.

A big part of the struggle is I feel like I have no one to turn to with all of this. Everyone I get close with and learn to trust and rely on disappears from my life and my parents and family is never a trustworthy or worthwhile option. I'm alone. But surrounded by people who expect a lot from me. It's a lot of pressure to try and evoke something from within that you simply don't have or don't even know how to have.

I've lost the energy to care or try or pretend at all really. I don't have the energy to be myself anymore. And I'm not sure who I want to be. Everything feels unnatural.

I'm an emotional bitch and I wish I could just say fuck it all and not care. But I do. I need for things to be different, but I don't think I can do it alone. And I am, most definitely by myself.