While watching a movie just now I realized something as I seem to do. I realized that part of my personal philosophy with myself and movies and theatre is that I want someone and wonder if someone is/will ever be fascinated and interested in my story the way I am with characters.
Just one of the many thoughts running through my head today. Too much time to think during Thanksgiving break, that's for sure.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Passing quickly.
Time is just moving by so damn quickly this year. I feel like every time I blink it's a new month. How the hell is tomorrow Thanksgiving? As I try and think back at what all has happened since I last wrote, it amazes me.
I had really really deep heart-to-heart with Jordan and I think it had a large impact on the both of us. I don't have much time to focus on anything but my responsibilities, which is both a good and bad thing. This musical and the internship take up all my time and energy, but I think they each will be worth it in the end, despite all the many troubles in between.
The main thing that has thrown me for a loop is my birthday gift for Matt. I went through so much trouble to make the Citizen Cope concert happen and he managed to ruin the entire experience for me. I shouldn't be surprised, though, because he really has no perception of how his actions affect others and he doesn't seem to care to either. I'm really tired of being the mature one in this situation and the one who puts in the effort and care. I don't have the energy to care nor to try anymore, so I'm just leaving it up to him to figure out when he wants to give a fuck about anyone but himself.
The Boston trip was exciting, frustrating, and liberating all at the same time. I really do miss travelling and just opening myself up to new places/environments and experiences. I definitely want to do more of that in the future, if I can. Even if it's not to Europe, but just a hour or two away. There's so much to be seen and experienced in this world that is both entertaining and worthwhile--so much to learn from. And I never want to stop learning.
That brings me to say that I'm really looking forward to my artistic future. I'm really starting to believe and trust in myself when creativity and art is concerned. Developing and knowing that makes everything else a little bit easier to deal with.
So there's a lil bit of an update, I suppose. More to come, hopefully.
I had really really deep heart-to-heart with Jordan and I think it had a large impact on the both of us. I don't have much time to focus on anything but my responsibilities, which is both a good and bad thing. This musical and the internship take up all my time and energy, but I think they each will be worth it in the end, despite all the many troubles in between.
The main thing that has thrown me for a loop is my birthday gift for Matt. I went through so much trouble to make the Citizen Cope concert happen and he managed to ruin the entire experience for me. I shouldn't be surprised, though, because he really has no perception of how his actions affect others and he doesn't seem to care to either. I'm really tired of being the mature one in this situation and the one who puts in the effort and care. I don't have the energy to care nor to try anymore, so I'm just leaving it up to him to figure out when he wants to give a fuck about anyone but himself.
The Boston trip was exciting, frustrating, and liberating all at the same time. I really do miss travelling and just opening myself up to new places/environments and experiences. I definitely want to do more of that in the future, if I can. Even if it's not to Europe, but just a hour or two away. There's so much to be seen and experienced in this world that is both entertaining and worthwhile--so much to learn from. And I never want to stop learning.
That brings me to say that I'm really looking forward to my artistic future. I'm really starting to believe and trust in myself when creativity and art is concerned. Developing and knowing that makes everything else a little bit easier to deal with.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Candles.
The last week has been extremely rough, in more ways than one. As per every year, the 30th is nearly unbearable to get through without wanting to curl up in a ball and cry, which I did for a good portion of the day.
I think it was even harder for me this year because I feel as though a part of me is fearing and recognizing the downfall of Grandma. I'm not sure how much long she will be here and I'm not sure if I'll be able to handle it. You think it would be easier because I'm older now, but I don't think anyone will ever be ready to have their heart break, no matter how many times it's been broken. It's almost harder than with Grandpa because I'm so alertly watching it all happen. Not only that, but I'm more privy to the strain it's putting on Mom and it's really really difficult seeing her struggle like this and doing so by herself nonetheless. It tears me apart in pieces to see how alone she feels. Especially knowing, that that's my greatest fear for her and myself.
I just feel like my compass is spinning around in circles with no direction in mind. Everything feels chaotic and it makes me anxious.
On top of all the craziness with school, work, family, and the internship my friendships seem all fucked up lately. I can't get a good handle on who to keep in my life and who to let go of. I don't know how to balance my relationships with them with my emotions and just my life in general right now, which is stressing me out as well.
It doesn't help that there is so little consistency with some of them. One minute they seem to care and the next it's like I mean absolutely nothing. I do so much to be good to people and to stay true. Yet, that's not enough. And many times I'm condemned for that, too. I know I'm a self-depreciating person more often than I should be, but it really doesn't help me stop when I have friends putting me down just as often and/or in worse ways than I do to myself, even.
When it comes down to it, I feel like I don't matter to anyone despite how much I try to be worthy. It's all so very exhausting and I just feel myself slowly burning out, while my wick fights so hard to stay lit and left to be free.
I think it was even harder for me this year because I feel as though a part of me is fearing and recognizing the downfall of Grandma. I'm not sure how much long she will be here and I'm not sure if I'll be able to handle it. You think it would be easier because I'm older now, but I don't think anyone will ever be ready to have their heart break, no matter how many times it's been broken. It's almost harder than with Grandpa because I'm so alertly watching it all happen. Not only that, but I'm more privy to the strain it's putting on Mom and it's really really difficult seeing her struggle like this and doing so by herself nonetheless. It tears me apart in pieces to see how alone she feels. Especially knowing, that that's my greatest fear for her and myself.
I just feel like my compass is spinning around in circles with no direction in mind. Everything feels chaotic and it makes me anxious.
On top of all the craziness with school, work, family, and the internship my friendships seem all fucked up lately. I can't get a good handle on who to keep in my life and who to let go of. I don't know how to balance my relationships with them with my emotions and just my life in general right now, which is stressing me out as well.
It doesn't help that there is so little consistency with some of them. One minute they seem to care and the next it's like I mean absolutely nothing. I do so much to be good to people and to stay true. Yet, that's not enough. And many times I'm condemned for that, too. I know I'm a self-depreciating person more often than I should be, but it really doesn't help me stop when I have friends putting me down just as often and/or in worse ways than I do to myself, even.
When it comes down to it, I feel like I don't matter to anyone despite how much I try to be worthy. It's all so very exhausting and I just feel myself slowly burning out, while my wick fights so hard to stay lit and left to be free.
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