(Nice Dream)

I hate waking up from a good dream. It’s like losing a fond memory forever, and you realize that nothing can ever truly be as you hope it to be. And yet, we all still hold on to that small strand of possibility that our hopes and dreams can one day be a reality. I know I still do. Because if you don’t have hope, then what point is there?

Meh.

The topic of discussion the past week in class has revolved around emotion. It got me thinking a lot about the emotional phases I have gone through in the past year. I kinda tensed up throughout a lot of the discussion because emotion is so personal to me and I can never seem to choose just one. My emotions are all over the place and that's how I felt talking about them. With anything else, I can rationalize and be reasonable and create and argument, I couldn't with this. I just felt like I babbled and didn't really have anything to say that served a purpose. This past week I've just felt really out of my own skin and I don't like it. I feel a lot like I did at the beginning of senior year and I'm not so sure that that's a good thing. I feel almost stagnant and I don't know how to get away from that.

I just want to be moving forward, but instead I'm stuck for whatever reason.

Thoughts from rehearsal last night.

"This is what I hate about having a period of happiness, pure contentment. I hate that it can't last. I know that it can't, of course, but the ordinary hits so much harsher after bliss. Sometimes I wonder if it is all in my mind--that I make things up or interpret things a certain way in order to make myself happy. One day I want it to be real and to know that it is real. For once, I want that kind of certainty in my life. I feel like I deserve at least that.

I want more than anything to find that with someone--someone to inspire me every day with a little bit of happiness and let me do the same for them. I've finally found someone I want that with and with whom I think it could actually work. I just don't know how to make it happen.

I've never been the type of girl to give even a second though to Valentine's Day or even relationships in general; however, this year I have thought about it. I feel like I'm honestly ready for a relationship, even a fling or whatever. Without my best friends around all the time, I could really enjoy having someone to share my thoughts, feelings, and time with. Not only wanting, but also being ready for a relationship and not know what to do about it, is extremely difficult. "

I just feel like I feel everything to one extreme or another. I can't just be mildly sad or mildly happy. Maybe not all the time is it this way, but fairly often. And I don't know whether that is a good thing or not...?

And I'm to the point where I really just want someone to be mine, to have that person that is loyal and connected and honest with me. I want a partner in this life. It doesn't have to be forever and I doubt anything ever will be that way, but I don't know, someone just would be nice.

As such a logical and reasonable person I get caught up in my emotions so easily and I just wish I knew how to control them. I guess when it comes down to it, all I want is to be happy. But I would really like for that one person to be here to help me with that.

I need to be patient, I guess, and just see where things go from here.

Yesterday.

I don’t think I truly realized how much I have changed in the last couple months, especially since college, until yesterday. I have noticed changes with my inner self throughout, but I guess I never really saw a distinguishable point between who I was and who I am presently. And I just thought I was noticing a change because of being me. Now knowing that someone else sees the change in me, too, it makes it more real to me, I suppose. Thankfully, it seems to be a change for the better.

Talking with J again was such a, for lack of a better word, different experience compared to all the conversations I had with him in high school. Quite honestly, I am rather embarrassed about the way I reacted to my troubles then and how I told them to him. He had just always cared about what happened to me and how I felt, which was something I didn’t feel from many, if any, others at the time. I was extremely childish, sensitive, and—I hate admitting it—naive. Last year was the hardest year of my life and I was miserable throughout most of it. Somehow I got through it and I moved on and found a way to let it all go and now I’m in a better, healthier, and happier place because of it.

Sometimes I still have my doubts, though, about whether or not I am truly growing, maturing, and becoming the person I want to be. Hearing J say that I looked physically happier and that he could see a difference in me and improvement was rather surreal. I’m not sure if I have the words to describe it. But the fact that he could see that within the first five minutes of talking to him really meant a lot to me.

I wasn’t as nervous as I normally am talking with him either. I guess I feel less inferior now. Talking with him and Senor made me realize how much I miss just talking about my thoughts and feelings with someone. I’ve been so busy that I think I forget to express myself. Right now, I feel like I don’t have people to be this open and honest with, since all of the people I can do so with are away.

Maybe that’s why I felt compelled to write all of this here. Because I just wanted to tell my story, even if no one will hear it.