Yesterday.

I don’t think I truly realized how much I have changed in the last couple months, especially since college, until yesterday. I have noticed changes with my inner self throughout, but I guess I never really saw a distinguishable point between who I was and who I am presently. And I just thought I was noticing a change because of being me. Now knowing that someone else sees the change in me, too, it makes it more real to me, I suppose. Thankfully, it seems to be a change for the better.

Talking with J again was such a, for lack of a better word, different experience compared to all the conversations I had with him in high school. Quite honestly, I am rather embarrassed about the way I reacted to my troubles then and how I told them to him. He had just always cared about what happened to me and how I felt, which was something I didn’t feel from many, if any, others at the time. I was extremely childish, sensitive, and—I hate admitting it—naive. Last year was the hardest year of my life and I was miserable throughout most of it. Somehow I got through it and I moved on and found a way to let it all go and now I’m in a better, healthier, and happier place because of it.

Sometimes I still have my doubts, though, about whether or not I am truly growing, maturing, and becoming the person I want to be. Hearing J say that I looked physically happier and that he could see a difference in me and improvement was rather surreal. I’m not sure if I have the words to describe it. But the fact that he could see that within the first five minutes of talking to him really meant a lot to me.

I wasn’t as nervous as I normally am talking with him either. I guess I feel less inferior now. Talking with him and Senor made me realize how much I miss just talking about my thoughts and feelings with someone. I’ve been so busy that I think I forget to express myself. Right now, I feel like I don’t have people to be this open and honest with, since all of the people I can do so with are away.

Maybe that’s why I felt compelled to write all of this here. Because I just wanted to tell my story, even if no one will hear it.