One step.

I've finally told someone I have an intimate liking toward them. While I pretty much was certain the feelings weren't returned, or at least knew that I wasn't the first option, I did it anyway. I finally allowed myself to have that moment. I took a risk. I was honest. I didn't allow my fear or the possibility of the feelings not being returned from keeping me to do what I could and to say what I feel. I spend so much of my time trying to serve the circumstance and serve the other people in those circumstances that I never do what I need or want.

I have surprised myself with how well I have handled and responded to this situation. But obviously, it does still hurt. It does make me wonder when what I want and what wants me will finally match up.

Regardless though, this person brought so much joy to my life and I will always be eternally grateful for that and could never be bitter or spiteful, just because it's not what I entirely wanted.

At least now I feel like there is an actual direction to be focused on. At least I'm not in limbo. I just have to figure out how to nurture this friendship without giving the wrong impression. That's my only fear at this point. I don't want to have to tip-toe around it all now. Which, I know I won't. But I also feel like it's not my step to take. But maybe taking it will prove the initiative.

Who knows. No matter what, a new/different journey is to be had and that's always something to look forward to.

Fear.

I have lived my life almost entirely in utter fear. I have walked around carrying the fear of being stupid, being a fool, not being good enough, never accomplishing my goals, disappointing and hurting others, rejection, loneliness, death. Fear is common to everyone. I know that. I know it's normal to be scared, to have fears and worries.

I've let my fears control and determine my life, however. And while that does keep me from doing things I will regret. It also prevents me from knowing the full extent of possibility. It's forced me to never know or experience certain things. And I will never know if I would have rather had the alternative or not. I can't always know if there ever was an alternative even. 

By consistently adhering to my fears, I often sacrifice my hopes, my desires, my dreams. I'm too afraid to even try or reach for them. What if it's not what I imagined? What if I fail? What if everything else is ruined? Because of this conflict, I never know what to do. So instead of doing something, I don't do anything at all. I sit. I wait. And I let everything and everyone pass by me. I let them act and I just respond. I'm scared to act. 

I hate the idea of not being able to go back. To start over. To fix things. I'm scared of not being able to change my mind and do things differently. I'm so often torn between two distinct and opposite choices, paths, thoughts, emotions.

I got my tattoo to help remind me to find the balance between the two. However, I can't stay out on the tightrope forever. I can't constantly be balancing in the in-between. Eventually, I need to pick a side. While I am scared of falling, I am just as scared of being grounded. Of never seeing the other side. 

I'm scared of having too many options and of having none at all. I know I'm neurotic. I'm trying to let my head take a break and just let it turn off. Sometimes I'm good at it. But it's really difficult when I've built up so much fear. 

How does one get rid of that? I mean, overall, time heals pain and sadness. At least to a certain degree. What cures fear, though? How does one tackle that? How do you heal or recover from a lifetime of fear?