Fear.

I have lived my life almost entirely in utter fear. I have walked around carrying the fear of being stupid, being a fool, not being good enough, never accomplishing my goals, disappointing and hurting others, rejection, loneliness, death. Fear is common to everyone. I know that. I know it's normal to be scared, to have fears and worries.

I've let my fears control and determine my life, however. And while that does keep me from doing things I will regret. It also prevents me from knowing the full extent of possibility. It's forced me to never know or experience certain things. And I will never know if I would have rather had the alternative or not. I can't always know if there ever was an alternative even. 

By consistently adhering to my fears, I often sacrifice my hopes, my desires, my dreams. I'm too afraid to even try or reach for them. What if it's not what I imagined? What if I fail? What if everything else is ruined? Because of this conflict, I never know what to do. So instead of doing something, I don't do anything at all. I sit. I wait. And I let everything and everyone pass by me. I let them act and I just respond. I'm scared to act. 

I hate the idea of not being able to go back. To start over. To fix things. I'm scared of not being able to change my mind and do things differently. I'm so often torn between two distinct and opposite choices, paths, thoughts, emotions.

I got my tattoo to help remind me to find the balance between the two. However, I can't stay out on the tightrope forever. I can't constantly be balancing in the in-between. Eventually, I need to pick a side. While I am scared of falling, I am just as scared of being grounded. Of never seeing the other side. 

I'm scared of having too many options and of having none at all. I know I'm neurotic. I'm trying to let my head take a break and just let it turn off. Sometimes I'm good at it. But it's really difficult when I've built up so much fear. 

How does one get rid of that? I mean, overall, time heals pain and sadness. At least to a certain degree. What cures fear, though? How does one tackle that? How do you heal or recover from a lifetime of fear?