2011

I don't know what to expect from this new year.

I just hope that it begins better than 2010 ended.

Here's to hopes.

Define: Success

Success is an honor to be earned. I believe success is truly earned when the sum of a person's efforts and circumstance results in a balance between achievement and personal happiness. A person can work diligently toward a lifetime goal or dream. The work and effort are appreciated and may even result in recognition in the form of a career, award, or grand opportunity. Without the right attitude and without self-happiness, though, I couldn't consider said person successful.

Maybe I romanticize the situation too much, but I just know that I don't look at the CEO of a company, a celebrity, a person with a P.H. D or any other stereotypically ideal career and label them a success automatically. I am sure a lot of work had to be done, a lot of sacrifices had to be made, and a lot of obstacles had to be overcome to get them there, but if they're not happy with their position and as a human being, then they're not a true success in my opinion.

For me to consider my life successful in thirty years I will have to have self-happiness despite my given circumstance-- good, bad, or just not what I wanted initially. I know that life isn't going to happen exactly how I plan or hope--it wouldn't be life if it did--but if life did turn out my way, I'd spend it writing however possible. To be a screenwriter, write for a music magazine, work at a publishing company, or teach would all be ideal. I'd love to be involved making the experiences for others like the ones I have and grow from whenever I watch, listen, or read.

I wish.

I wish I could be like this dude. It seems extremely odd, but I really do. To just let loose, feel free, move to the music and the beat of your soul without any hesitation. To have assurance in and of yourself. Having simply that would mean the world to me. Even more so when it inspires and ignites a similar feeling in others. Truly amazing.

Girl, Intervention.

Ironically enough, some of my biggest fears came true today. It's really strange considering I was writing about tribulations just yesterday. I feel like my world is crumbling. Three of my best friends gave me and one of our friends an intervention tonight.

I've never felt more emotionally unstable in my life. And I've never had people be upset with me for being an emotional person. Especially not my friends, especially not my best friend. I've never had someone essentially tell me that we can't get along and that she won't want to be around me if I'm so emotional. I've never had someone look down on me for caring, for being hurt. Not until tonight. Not until tonight have I ever felt like I have to pretend my personality isn't there and pretend everything is okay and be happy and bubbly for my friends to be able to tolerate my presence.

These are the people I love. These are the people that I would lay my life down for. These are the people that I am terrified of being separated from after school.

I've never had a friend insinuate such negative attributes of myself- one who looked me straight in the eyes as I cried and poured my heart out and only had a cold, emotionless, blank expression to express in return. This is my best friend. She's supposed to be my best friend.

Everything is different. School is different. Drama is different. My friends are different. My best friend is different. And I am still the same, only more broken.

I don't know where to go from here. I'm a ship with no sail. Defeated, lost, desperate.

I want to not react this way, with hopelessness and despair. I want to react with determination and desire to make this into a positive thing, to make this into something that changes everything but for the better. I want happiness without the hidden pain. Even numbness would be satisfactory at this moment. Maybe if I didn't feel anything at all, then I could make my friends and the people around me happier. Maybe I just need to live a lie like everyone else.

Tribulations.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm scared of basically everything. More concisely, I'm paranoid. It's probably the most frustrating trait I have about myself. I'm tired of calculating everyone's actions and words, trying to solve a mystery or something. Trying to find truth. But most of the time I just see either what I want to see or what I'm most afraid of seeing. I don't know what to believe or trust in anymore when it comes to people. I don't know which of the cherished moments I have with them are genuine or not, or if any of them are really.

I think all of this stems from insecurity. I hate insecurity. I hate the shameful act of belittling myself, but anything is better than others doing so to you. Maybe that's what insecurity is-- a defense mechanism, if we scold ourselves then maybe when other criticize and judge it won't hurt as badly. However, that defense is bullshit. But for some reason we get pulled into, at least I do.

And I always tell myself, 'you're being ridiculous, no one hates you.' Which may be true. But what scares me the most is that I'm not being ridiculous and everyone does hate me, or at least doesn't think as nicely as I wish.

I just feel like I'm in a constant battle to prove something. To myself, my family, my friends, my peers, teachers, even strangers. I want to impress upon them something positive, to make them happy. I think that maybe if I can make others happy then that happiness will fill me, too. Unfortunately I'm constantly unsatisfied and I don't know what to do about it. I guess it's because I fear that all that I do have might be a lie, and then what?

But what's the worst part is that I feel like I'm always reaching out. And I rarely feel like I get anything in return. I don't want that to seem selfish. But when you love and care for people and they don't show you that they feel the same way, it hurts. Especially when its your friends and family. I mean, deep down you know that they love you, but being able to prove your love and being able to experience someone else's, and be able to share love between one another, that is something irreplaceable. Nothing feels better then the satisfaction and assurance that you are loved. Wanted. Appreciated. Accepted.

What makes matters worse is that I feel like, in order to loved, wanted, appreciated, and accepted, that I have to forsake or hide my true emotions, thoughts, or opinions on something, simply because it isn't what 'everyone else thinks' because it goes against the norm. Or maybe it doesn't even have to be going against the norm, but I'm just the only one willing to speak it out loud and with purpose.

But sometimes, whether a significant issue or not, I get shot down for my opinion. I get yelled at. I get lectured. I suppose this nor really any of what I have been talking about is specifically with me. I know it happens with everyone, but it still has a large impact on me. Especially when it comes to the issue, well, debate of religion. That one always seems to get me bitten in the ass. My mom doesn't get it. Most of my classmates don't get it. It's difficult when something that makes up and is a such a large part of who you are and the type of person that you are is something that frustrates and disappoints your friends and family. It's one thing if a stranger or acquaintance disapproves your views, but its whole other issue when the ones who disapprove are the ones who are supposed to love and accept you the most.

I don't know, I was really dedicated to this post for a while and now thinking about all of this is making me exhausted. I will undoubtedly continue into similar rantings very soon, though. I feel like this stuff is going to be on my mind for a while, unfortunately.

Quick Ponders

Exhaustion. That basically sums up the state that I have been in for the past week. I feel so bland lately, listless. I don't know which is worse simply being indifferent or being upset. I'm thankful for not being upset right now, but I'd much rather be happy, excited, something more.

So....I really shouldn't have started this right now. Awful timing because it's getting late. No one reads this anyway so it shouldn't matter. But I might edit this later. Might in this case meaning that I'm attempting to be polite and casual when I know by a 99.9 percentage that I won't edit it this and just make an entirely new post. So cheers to wasting time writing this. Cheers to desperate hopes for a better most next time.

Goodnight

,C