Philosophy Journal 1.

What's difficult about deciding what exactly is important in life or to oneself as a person is that one becomes restricted by the mere definition of 'important'. It's hard to find clarity when deciding on an answer because not only is there a definition  for important, but also connotations and assumptions that typically go along with it.

When I was little, I thought that making sure I did things the way people wanted me to, that I liked the same things as others, and that I matched up to what people wanted and expected of me was important. I looked up to adults both literally and figuratively and I would have done anything to be just like them. Throughout growing up, as I learned more about what was important to other people I slowly started realizing when I agreed with them and when I did not. Therefore, by realizing I didn't believe what they did I started to develop my own belief system and way of viewing the world and myself.

What's most important to me now is honesty/clarity, purpose, compassion, communication, empathy, and simply the act of trying no matter what circumstance or condition one is found it. I strive to see things as they are and appreciate them as they are whether they be good, bad, ugly, complicated, simple, or whatever. I think everyone should strive to find some purpose, I have a hard time explaining what that means to me or how I understand that in my mind, but it's just something I feel aware and conscious of in myself as important or vital. I think compassion toward yourself and to others is important always. If more people could understand compassion and the personal sacrifice that comes with it I think we would be less concerned with menial societal stigmas. Through compassion, I try to understand the feelings, thoughts, and lives of others through empathy as much as possible. I think it brings humility to us as people.

Why are these things important? How do I know? I really don't know. The only thing I can be sure of is my existence. Therefore everything I experience and encounter, I relate to myself. Through my experiences I have come to these conclusions and they 'feel' right to me and make sense and have allowed me to make sense of myself and my surroundings, so I am grateful for them. So, yes, they are important because I think so. No one can bring the verdict of if they really are, though, because no one is truly objective. Which, I feel is sadly why so many look to religions and other people or deities to give them some form of verification of their actions and beliefs instead of trusting in themselves, rather than everyone else's.

Anywhere but here. Anyone but Me.

I'm doing everything possible in my capabilities and power to make sure that I earn and get the life that I want. The life with the people who listen to me, care for me, support me, and know me. I'm so done with this "family" and the town that we live in. I can't shake the feeling that I'm meant to do and be more than this place's standard and that's what I want.

That's the goal. Hopefully, this second semester will just bring me another step closer to fulfilling that.

'12 to '13

New Years actually turned out to be a really great time for me. Definitely the best I have ever had. I have a lot of great memories from that night and it was the closest I had felt to my best friend of my life for a long time now.

I just hate how those moments are so limited. I feel like I matter momentarily until something more interesting comes along, namely a boy or a more exciting personality/friend. Promises and talks with me are forgotten and pushed aside and it just sucks.

I wish I wasn't the one who cared the most. I know I didn't used to be and now I am. It hurts that I feel like my feelings are never quite reciprocated, with any friendships or relationship.

I feel insignificant and like a side thought. So far that hasn't changed in 2013. Has anything really changed though in the scheme of things? People have gone in and out. Things have started and then ended. I've grown but am I really different? Sometimes I think yes, but today and most days, I say no.