I'm Back Already.

Posting a blog two days in a row... I guess I have a lot on my mind/a lot to say. Tonight has basically been a full on breakdown for me. Everything seems to be caving in around me all at once. That may sound overdramatic or overemotional, but that's just what it feels like today.

Ever had one of those days where one thing happens that causes an avalanche of turmoils to surface or even resurface? That's what today was like for me.

Despite my neverending efforts, I can never seem to do the right thing, or please anyone, let alone myself. I'm a failure, useless. I try to find one aspect of myself that I can be proud of or that I can consider special or unique and it's obliterated by my peers or elders.

I work my ass off and barely get a positive result. I strive to improve my game and technique, but it will never live up to the prize possesion of the team, the coach's favorite player. I'm the horribly rude, unappreciative, stubborn, outspoken, disappointment to my mother. I'm the sister that is so easily forgotten and taken for granted. I am the "letdown" for not dedicating my free time to her. I'm looked at in disgust by one of my truest friends. Etc. Etc. Etc.

I despise myself for feeling so much self pity and for being this emotional. It seems like I can't just deal with things one at a time. I have to let the pile build and build, getting heavier and heavier, until it topples off my back in a big mass to handle all at once. I try to take one step forward, and end up 10 steps back.

I have my friends to talk to and confide in, but with all the stress and personal issues I know they are all weighed down with, I don't want to add to it just to make myself feel better. I feel like that would be selfish of me.

I just want to find a way to reduce the pile even in the slightest bit, just to give myself that tiny brief moment of relief. I can find momentary relief when I write and just let everything flow out of my mind and into words, but unfortunately it doesn't give me a solution. I need a solution.

I don't want to be vulnerable, I don't want to be beaten. I want to take the hits, fight back, and resolve each problem and pressure. I need to be strong. I need to prove that I can be the worthy friend, the skilled athlete, the gifted student, and a daughter/sister to be proud of.

Like I said, this is all written in a childishly emotional state, one which I'm not proud of. But at least I had my few minutes of relief and relaxation while writing.

Repeat Attempt

There's so many other things I should be doing right now, but today just has put me in the mood to write, vent, ramble. Keeping a journal proved to be too much of a hassle, so maybe this will work out better for me, though this is my second blog. Maybe the second time will be the charm instead of a third? Anyways...

These past few weeks have been filled with stress for me. Stress and pressure. The sources of which come from many outlets- my family, my friends, school, sports, or just simply being a teenager. The main issue at the moment deals with my best friend. It seems like no matter what I do I can never please her or live up to her expectations.

She never hesitates to tell me how I've done wrong, pissed her off, or upset her. I'm glad for the honesty, truly, but does it have to be so blunt and harsh all the time? I mean, one can express their opinions without scolding the other person for their actions. I have my own problems, opinions and things that upset me or bother me, but I don't divulge them because what would be the point? It doesn't change the fact that we are best friends or that I would do anything for her.

The crime I have committed is to become extremely close with a good friend that I had lost touch with and who means a lot to me. That shouldn't be considered a bad thing. I wish I could just tell her exactly how much this whole situation hurts and angers me, but I can never seem to get the words out. I feel like if I speak out, then I'm just fueling the fire, when all I really want is for it all to simmer down and everything be all right again.

I know I won't lose her, because I don't think either of us will let that happen again, but I just don't know how to make her happy anymore.

All I know, is that having the chance to develop that almost lost friendship all over again has been the one thing to keep my head up, with a smile on my face these past few weeks. Everything else just seems to be falling apart.

Or maybe it's a part of me that's falling apart? I don't know.