I'm Back Already.

Posting a blog two days in a row... I guess I have a lot on my mind/a lot to say. Tonight has basically been a full on breakdown for me. Everything seems to be caving in around me all at once. That may sound overdramatic or overemotional, but that's just what it feels like today.

Ever had one of those days where one thing happens that causes an avalanche of turmoils to surface or even resurface? That's what today was like for me.

Despite my neverending efforts, I can never seem to do the right thing, or please anyone, let alone myself. I'm a failure, useless. I try to find one aspect of myself that I can be proud of or that I can consider special or unique and it's obliterated by my peers or elders.

I work my ass off and barely get a positive result. I strive to improve my game and technique, but it will never live up to the prize possesion of the team, the coach's favorite player. I'm the horribly rude, unappreciative, stubborn, outspoken, disappointment to my mother. I'm the sister that is so easily forgotten and taken for granted. I am the "letdown" for not dedicating my free time to her. I'm looked at in disgust by one of my truest friends. Etc. Etc. Etc.

I despise myself for feeling so much self pity and for being this emotional. It seems like I can't just deal with things one at a time. I have to let the pile build and build, getting heavier and heavier, until it topples off my back in a big mass to handle all at once. I try to take one step forward, and end up 10 steps back.

I have my friends to talk to and confide in, but with all the stress and personal issues I know they are all weighed down with, I don't want to add to it just to make myself feel better. I feel like that would be selfish of me.

I just want to find a way to reduce the pile even in the slightest bit, just to give myself that tiny brief moment of relief. I can find momentary relief when I write and just let everything flow out of my mind and into words, but unfortunately it doesn't give me a solution. I need a solution.

I don't want to be vulnerable, I don't want to be beaten. I want to take the hits, fight back, and resolve each problem and pressure. I need to be strong. I need to prove that I can be the worthy friend, the skilled athlete, the gifted student, and a daughter/sister to be proud of.

Like I said, this is all written in a childishly emotional state, one which I'm not proud of. But at least I had my few minutes of relief and relaxation while writing.