What Cassidy Has Taught Me

A while ago I posted on here about my friend Cassidy who passed away in September. I always felt uncomfortable posting about it. Sometimes I feel like when people talk about that stuff on social media/the internet it's for attention and because they feel obligated to because everyone else is or something. That is not always true, but the thought was in the back of my mind then and it is now because I'm not sure that I want to be that person. What I did want was for her to be known for being a beautiful person lost, which she is. Cassidy was so open about what she thought and felt and I always wished I could be more like that instead of being so private about everything all the time.

I think about her every day and she has changed how I have seen everything in the last couple of months. She was only 19 years old. She was beautiful, kind,  honest, funny, and incredibly talented. She had a heavy heart, though, and was often very sad and lonely. She developed a heroin addiction and though she had two strong months of being sober, one time of weakness cost her an overdose, a month-long coma, and ultimately her death.

Why am I going into this you may be wondering?

I bring this up and am finally talking about this because this is what I have realized and learned from this tragic experience. I've learned in the most profound way that no one deserves to feel that low. I won't go into details about her life, because I don't think that's my place. What I do know is that no one deserves to have their world feel so empty to the point that they turn to drugs.

I'm not saying that anyone could have saved her, because there comes a point where you are the only one who can save you. But I am saying that I think we all have a responsibility to help make people want to save themselves, let them know that if they do it will be worthwhile, if that makes sense.

This sort of experience and event puts things into perspective and makes you truly see what matters and what truly doesn't. As I look around, I just see so many of us, myself included, putting so much energy into being angered, frustrated, annoyed, stressed by people, our jobs, our circumstance, things and so easily forget that we are going through and feeling all of this because WE ARE ALIVE. We are here and we have choices, chances, opportunities, and hope. As long as we are breathing, we have all that. That is something to be so deeply grateful for. As long as you are here, everything is okay. If we could embrace the gift that is every moment and the gift that is everyone one else around us, then maybe things could be better.

I just wish we could spend more time loving each other more than we do worrying, complaining, and stressing about every little thing. And I feel myself being so weighed down sometimes, because I just can't wrap my head around what people gain by being disrespectful, competitive, dishonest, selfish and unempathetic. What is the point of doing something if it is not benefiting other people? And I don't mean why do anything if it's not going to end world hunger and create world peace. I just mean what is the point of being anything but kind and understanding to people?

What I've also realized is that it is so hard being kind and understanding when that is not received in return. It's an incredible challenge and I try to accept it as much as possible. Social structures and systems don't make it any easier.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this or what the purpose of this is, if there is one. I guess, I just want to not be afraid of being vulnerable and being open and honest about what I think and feel. Everyone always tells me I take things to seriously, but I'd rather take things too seriously and care about things too much than not at all. So there's that, I suppose. Even though this is only the internet, I guess by posting this I've at least made one step of progress. That is, if anyone actually reads it...

Dreamers.

One of the biggest problems with being a dreamer: you dream up infinite possibilities, ideas, possibilities, circumstances, and lives for yourself. Sure, this gives you options at least. The thing is though, a dreamer spends so much time dreaming and accumulates so many dreams that it quickly becomes unclear as to which ones you want or don't and which are even realistic or not. And with all of this comes the unmistakable fear of never being able to have any of them, even once or for just a short while.

There's so much I want for myself and it's really hard for me to actually reach for them and believe in them. Or believe in myself, really. Everyone in my family has pretty much accepted the life that came to them or that made sense. If they had a dream, I don't know about it, but I do know that they never reached for it. This isn't something to be ashamed or anything, some people have become really happy but following the 'path' that has seemed to be made for them and just go with the flow in that way. I've learned the value of that through them.

But I have dreams and I have ambitions and I don't want to settle but I'm terrified of not being worthy of my dreams and of never being able to make them a reality in the first place. I know that I'm my own worst enemy in this case. But I don't know how to get out of my own way. Realizing and contemplating all of this conflict is exhausting and I don't know how to break the cycle.