Him, again.

It freaks me out a little how much I want to be a part of his life. I just have a really strong feeling, telling me that he would have a way of making my life so much better. He would be good for me and for the person I want to be. I just want that so badly. Just by knowing him, I feel changed.

These words seem really heavy, but they're true. I am inspired and enlightened by what he knows and all that he is. No one has EVER made me feel that way and I really want to fight for that.

I doubt this is mutual, but I'm just not ready to give up on the possibility of something more for me. Whether that be a relationship, a friendship, or even just more learning and inspiring for me by his example. It doesn't matter.

He's really the only thing lately that drives me to do anything. I don't know why, that's just how it's been lately. This is one thing I don't feel indifferent about and I need the motivation because otherwise I settle and sulk and don't accomplish much of anything

Am I the only one?

I really hope it's not just me who has a problem with looking some people in the eyes. I feel like it takes a lot of effort and time with a person before I can or even try to. I seem to go into a mini panic--afraid that they're going to see through me or read my mind or something. Obviously they can't. But it freaks me out every time. I don't like the idea of being exposed or judged or my privacy being invaded, at all. I suppose this is part of what makes me come off so skittish, nervous, and awkward at times. There's not really anything I can do about it, since it's just a reflex, but it's something I've become more and more aware of lately and figured I would just point it out. So yeah, there it is.

A lot of things, all in one.

I'm not exactly sure how to describe the past week or so. My moods have been all over the place lately. There's been a lot of stress, but some spontaneous nearly perfect days in between. No surprise that those nearly perfect days were spent with my friends from school. Adam visiting was great, going to Suzanne's was fun, hanging with the gang was a good distraction. Katie's birthday party was a night to remember, too. It's been nice having those moments/nights to make all this stress, responsibility, and fear more bearable. I still feel like something is missing. Honestly, I don't know if that feeling will ever go away. I just wish I knew what to do about it.

I miss the excitement I felt every day not knowing what or who the day would have in store for me. NKU and everyone there always had a way of surprising me and affecting me and my life in ways I didn't expect. Home is the same record over and over again. I've been really bitter and cynical about home, but I had a little reminder of one thing I love about home. Sometimes it's the little things like being able to roll down my windows and listen to music in the warm sunlight--driving along our infamously winding 'country' roads.

There's so much that I want to do and be. It makes me miss the place and the people that made me feel like possibility and opportunity were at my fingertips. In world where people believed in me. Right now I feel like I'm in a world where I'm inadequate and I can't do anything right. I just wish I had someone by my side. Someone to help make everything make sense and help me understand me. Someone that I could devote some of my time and energy to. I have a lot of affection and passion to share and no one to share it with, at least not in the way I need to. And for the past couple of months, that has been really difficult to deal with. It's not easy feeling alone and unwanted/unneeded.

A lot of the confidence I had started to establish in the last couple of months is slowly disappearing. I feel repulsive. My outer appearance doesn't match up with who I am on the inside and that makes me sad and insecure. I just wish I knew what to do about it. I want so badly to lose weight, but I don't know how and when to have the time. I guess I feel insecure about feeling insecure--insecure about needing to lose weight. I know that seems kinda silly. It's just strange how I have such strong convictions and confidence in my opinions and knowledge and heart, but not my appearance or personality. I guess I just want someone to believe I'm good enough so that maybe I will, too. I want to be the girl that doesn't need to change for anyone or even herself, because she is so comfortable and proud of who she is that she doesn't feel the need to. But I'm not. And that's just one more thing for me to hate about myself.

Just like I hate how I have to expose all my deepest thoughts and feelings in this blog instead of to someone because I don't have anyone. Pretty much the only person I feel comfortable truly opening up  to is Racquel, and the opportunity just doesn't come around as often as it used to.

Looks like it's going to be just me, this blog, OTH, and 3 a.m. for a while.

Done with bitterness.

I really hate being bitter about so many things. Mostly about all the expectations I had that were never met. About all the things I wanted that I never got or that never happened. I'm bitter because my brother is not around and never was. I'm bitter because they didn't apologize. I'm bitter because I've never had that one perfect moment. I'm bitter because people ignore and refute truth. I'm bitter because of so many things and that's no way to live. I just don't know how to let all of these things go and get the weight off of me.

I need distractions so badly. That's why I love school and campus, because they each give me something to focus on besides everything whirling around in my head 24/7. I don't want to be thinking about all of this all of the time. It's exhausting.

Being home just brings everything to the surface and I just want to be as far away from it all as possible, otherwise it wears me down and out.

I return.

It's seems that it has been a while since I've posted on here. This is mostly due to the fact of being on Tumblr so often. I tried getting used to opening up on there, where people and my friends can actually read it, but I'm still not comfortable with it. Every time I do post something personal, I either go back and delete it or make it private. I just can't seem to let go and let everything out without constantly worrying about how people are going to interpret it or what they are going to think of me after they read it.

Just in general I've been realizing how focused and worried I am about how others perceive me. One moment I don't give a fuck at all and then the next I'm stressing out regretting something I said or did or didn't say or do. This isn't really something new for me, but it's still rather prevalent at the moment.

I've been pretty insecure lately, especially about this stage management job. I think I got too ahead of myself and I'm not quite ready for this, but there's no opportunity to back out now. I'm stuck. I know it will happen and eventually the whole situation will be over, but it's everything in the meantime that is freaking me out. I know that I'm not ready for this, but I'm hired and there's nothing I can do about it. The only thing I can do is try to do the best I can and make the best impression possible, but I feel like I'm barely treading water here. I have the slightest clue how to handle all of this and I'm basically going to be making it up as I go along.

But it's not even so much that I'm afraid of not succeeding. I know I will find a way to get things done, even if it may be a rough way there. It's more so that I'm afraid of what everyone will think of me--the cast, the crew, my boss, my peers. I'm afraid of seeming like a fool, especially when I already feel like one.

I haven't been this terrified in a long time and it's not helping my demeanor any. I've already been extremely on edge since moving back home. I hate being here. I miss school and my friends and my independence. Though, I love my mother to death, she is suffocating and frustrating at times--the rest of the family, as well. We're such different people and it's always chaotic and dissonant whenever we have to deal with each other. No one knows how to truly communicate with each other anymore, and no one has ever known how to open up.

No one in my family understands me. I know every teenager as said that once in their lifetime and probably way more than that, but it doesn't make the statement any less true. They really don't understand me. That's why I miss having people around me that for that most part do. At least then, I can have some peace of mind thanks to their company. Without them, though, all of this stress and responsibility is absolutely miserable.

All in all, I just feel lost right now. But I haven't been able to figure out why.

Tonight I thought of one possibility. I was thinking about Grandpa and how close we were compared to everyone else. And about how highly he thought of me. Then I realized that that explains a lot. All I want is to feel that way again--to be the favorite, be special, mean the most to someone. My entire life I've been struggling between trying to matter and never feeling like I'm good enough. And then there were points in my life where I thought I finally was the favorite, was special, and did mean the most. First with Grandpa, then Racquel, Robbie, Sammy, Taylor, Mr. Raver, Staley, Heisel, etc. But it always seemed to turn out that I wasn't. I lost people or got replaced. I'm sure this makes me sound needy and desperate, but honestly I just want to feel close to someone and not get them and that feeling ripped away from me.

I am independent and I don't need someone 24/7, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't want someone.

I want work to distract me from all this emotional and personal stuff going on with me right now--feeling alone and missing everyone, and never knowing how to deal with my family. But when work is part of the issue, life gets a lot more complicated, confusing, and stressful.

Once again I have talked myself through a circle, so I suppose I should stop here considering I practically wrote a novel, too.

There's just a lot going on right now and I am completely lost as to how to take care of it all.