And another Eve.

This time it's the day before the new year. I'm somewhat beside myself not positive how I feel about it.  There's a lot of things that I wish were different, but they seem to be out of my hands. At least for now.

Really, though, how much control do we have in our lives? I mean, sure, we make decisions and act and the effects or even repercussions follow every time. But I feel like we are typically unaware of the effect our choices have on people, the world, our fate. We typically choose for the now and not for the  outcome. I know the outcome of many of my decisions and actions has been entirely different from the initial reason why I chose to in the first place.

I've never been the person, and I won't be the one this year either, to sit and say 'these are the changes I plan to make' or 'this is what will happen this year' because that seems rather pointless to me. Nothing I ever imagine will ever be the reality of the coming year. Of that, I am certain.

Side note: It makes me sad to realize that the people I start the year off with are rarely the people I end it with, and I mean that both figuratively and literally. I wish I could maintain a closeness and a bond with people. That's something I've only been able to accomplish with a small group of people in my life. And even with those relationships I feel quite alone 99% of the time. Which, I'm sure is mostly my fault. Just like not being close to a lot of people is greatly due to the fact that I don't know how to get close to people. I don't know how to let them in and I don't know how to let myself out either. I'm too scared to do either. What haunts me most with that is that I feel like no one wants the same from me.

I guess that's my official wish for the New Year: to be the person that people care about. Right now, I'm just the person that cares about people. And too much at that, I think.

So 2013, let's get to know each other, I suppose.

Eve as always.

I truly am a natural Grinch at heart. I don't think I get to the point of being a cold, cruel, and rotten Scrooge, but I definitely recognize the bitterness and frustration of a Grinch, which mostly roots in my underlying hurt and sadness during the holiday of Christmas.

Thanksgiving is typically a good holiday for me. It's not a struggle at all for me to recognize the good things in my life and be grateful for them. I'm always thankful that I have family, friends, a job, and education and good opportunities available to me. I know I've been very fortunate in my life and I am humbled by that fortune.

Christmas, on the other hand, is more difficult for me to look forward to and be happy about. It's completely about family and celebrating your closeness with others (predominantly family). And that's the one thing I don't have. I have a mother, a father, a brother, grandmother, etc. But we aren't close. We don't do things together, we don't talk, we don't celebrate. In fact, we rarely even express outward emotions and thoughts, at least as far as connecting with one another versus just ranting through frustrations and opinions.

It hurts to see people constantly posting pictures of and talking about their multiple Christmas activities, travels, and celebrations with all the members of their family. So many people visit with every sector of their immediate and extended families and friends. They have lots of dinners, go out to ice skate or sled. They travel and bake and simply spend time together throughout the whole holiday season and not just on Eve or Day. My family can barely make it through a couple hours together before being over it and just wanting to go do their own thing instead of being with one another.

And I'm pretty sure there's no hope in my extended family ever getting together all in one place to celebrate for anything, any time soon.

We're all just relatives. There's no family involved.

That's what makes this holiday so incredibly tough for me to get through.

I've essentially come to the conclusion that there's no hope left for this family. The only option I have is creating my own family, but that's going to take a while. Until then, I will be bitter and unsatisfied and basically hopeless.

Venting a la 3 a.m.

In a weird way, nothing and everything has been happening the last couple days, this winter break. I'm not sure how I feel about either nor which I prefer. As I figured, I have been quite aloof and unmotivated to actually move, at all. I've been lonely and bitter and frustrated, seeing as how I have so much time to dwell on things now.

The shootings in Connecticut had me riled up for a variety of reasons, ranging between being distraught and so incredibly annoyed at the reactions and talk about it, especially from the media, which always makes a mess of things that are usually already messy and complicated in the first place.

I had yet another blowout argument with my mother about the whole Matt situation. I'm so tired of her always defending him or looking at things only from his perspective and never from mine. I'm tired of being the only one who isn't okay with pretending. The only one to put in a effort and actually vocalize a need for us to unite as a family and act like one, most importantly. It took a lot of time and a lot of yelling and crying to finally get Mom to hear what I was saying at all and actually seem to begin to understand where I am coming from. I still don't think we're fully there and I doubt we ever will be, considering the pattern has always been that she understands and is on the same page with me for like a day if that and then next thing I know we are having the same goddamn argument. Over and over again.

I know I come off too strong and too adamant about the whole thing sometimes, to the point of seeming unreasonable or childish, or like I'm overreacting. But I'm honestly getting desperate at this point. I don't know if she realizes it or not, but once I go to get my Master's (if things haven't changed) I'm most likely not coming back and not keeping in touch. Once I start to REALLY build my own life, I'm not going to put the effort in to make our family a family anymore. And maybe then, they'll realize how serious I was and hopefully give them, most importantly Matt, a fucking reality check.

I'm simply not keeping people in my life who continually hurt me, especially those who know they hurt me and STILL don't do shit to make up for it.

Little is Big.

In the process of trying cleaning up my dorm I came across a photo of Grandpa, the one I posted on his death day. It is such an extremely candid, unplanned, simple, random picture of him. He's not doing  anything of interest really, just sitting and doing the menial things he always did. Looking at it makes me think, though, about how the most menial and insignificant things and memories can be the greatest and most vivid you will ever have, and will be the ones that mean the most to you.

I have specific memories in my head of my Grandpa. Big moments. Moments that stick out. When someone dies there are always those moments you will and can never forget. But what hurts is not remembering those things, but what you can't remember. The little things. What makes that picture of him so special is that it captures the little things. It captures him in an everyday moment and his day-to-day self. Not necessarily the one on 'big' days like holidays, his birthday, etc. It's the closest thing I have to having and being reminded of the most essential parts of what made him who he was.

Lately I've been more aware of how the most minute moments, conversations, happenings really can mean so much and have a huge effect/impact. That fact is both incredible and terrifying to realize. I really want to do the best I can to remember and appreciate every little detail I can on what I experience and who I experience with, especially now, with being in this department and being with these people. I know these four years are going to be four that forever change and affect my life, where I'm going, and who I am/become. I wouldn't want it either way.

Current things to never forget: my Grease team, both cast and crew. The Christmas Cabaret. Finals. Adventures with Luke. Hattie. Laura. Directing. Le Dortoir. Boston. Raunch. My internship. Halloween. Fifthmas. My mother. My grandmother.

This life is so precious and I am so honored to be an active entity.

A shut door.

I don't why I keep letting myself believe that there is hope for me in getting what/who I want. I'm never going to be good enough, nor bad enough if that's a thing, for anyone it seems. I spend so much of my time and energy in fighting for people and making a place for them in my life and in my heart and I feel like I get a door shut in my face by every single one of them.

When will I be enough? What do I have to do or who do I have to be in order to deserve the one thing/person that will make me happy and make me feel right?

Or am I just meant to be and feel alone for the rest of my life? Because that's the path I seem to be on right about now and I'm absolutely exhausted from it.

Not sure.

I feel entirely uncertain about everything in my life right now. I'm accepting of the fact that things, life, people are uncertain--the future is uncertain--but feeling that way is a whole other rough terrain in which to be. I'm not sure of myself, which really isn't anything new. Not only that though, but my relationships with my friends and family are a variety of uncertain right now. My job seems potentially uncertain considering how often I've been screwing up lately. This production is certainly uncertain and I've never felt more uncomfortable in my life.

The combination of everything is sinking me into a funk or maybe even depression and I don't know how to deal with anything and I almost don't want to. I'm so emotionally drained that trying to fix things and find a solution/resolution is just exhausting and not worth the effort, seemingly.

Sadly, sometimes, I just think about if something truly did go horribly wrong and I was forced to deal with that that maybe then, at least, I would have a legitimate reason to feel so miserable all the time.

All I want right now is to relax and create and to give my body and mind a chance to breathe. Unfortunately though, I still have to survive the next two weeks, which seem like an eternity for sure.