Two

So I had this friend, Kalyn. Our older brothers were in a band together and were best friends. They shared a passion and talent for music and they really complimented each others' personalities well. Kalyn and I, however, were and still are very much unalike. I'm short, she's tall. She's blonde, I'm brunette. She's good at everything she does, and I always seemed to struggle. She had self-confidence and I just didn't. But the main difference was that she got along with her brother and I did not with mine. So when we were both about 9 or 10 she invited over to spend the night at her house. I was excited, like all little girls are, for a sleepover. We set up a tent in her living room and baked cookies. Afterwards we stayed up late playing video games. Now, I've maybe played five video games in my lifetime and I suck at every single one of them. Well we picked out this motor-cross game that didn't seem too difficult. Once we started playing I didn't seem to be doing too bad. I was ranking up points left and right and actually beating her. She even started asking me for help with some things, so I gave her a few pointers. Kalyn always won, so selfishly I was really proud of the fact that I was winning. It's always an awesome feeling when you surprise yourself and accomplish something you never thought you could. Well, the next morning we started playing the game again and our brothers came out and sat with us while we played and watched. I was excited for the chance to impress my brother and show him how good I was. It seems silly now, but I thought it would change his opinion of me, I guess. I don't know. Well I didn't play very well that morning and Kalyn was racking up all the points instead. I was so confused and embarrassed. Turns out, the night before Kalyn had switched controllers and told me we were different screens. It wasn't me who won the night before, it was her. Our brothers found it hysterical. I did not. I felt like an idiot and I was angry with her for tricking me that way. I really hate dishonest people. That's probably why we're not friends anymore.

Monologue Draft One.

I've always been one to believe that you come upon things for a reason. That song that plays and describes exactly how you feel--it wasn't a just a coincidence. That quote you read online somewhere or those words someone spoke to you that suddenly make everything make sense. It was supposed to be that way. The words that I needed the most came to me in July. I had been reading this book, "It's Easier Than You Think" by Sylvia Boorstein. Her story changed everything for me. See, it all started last December. My best friend abandoned me--just woke up one day and told me I was too emotional to be around. I mean, too emotional? What is that even supposed to mean? What was I supposed to be? A brick!? The funny thing was, that "emotion" I shouldn't have was what let me be her friend for so long. She had been really messing things up with her life, making huge mistakes, treating people decided then that I would never forgive her, actively reminding myself every day of what she did. For once, I was going to stand up for myself and not be the bigger person in give in. I gave up believing that she could be a good person and a good friend. I gave up defending her and thinking she had changed. For almost a year I struggled with this, just despising her existence and wishing she would just be sorry for what she did. I became a brick. At least toward her, anyways. In the book, Boorstein mentions an elderly woman who was so incredibly angry for her whole life that it became an auto-pilot emotion for her. .

Missing something.

All I want is to feel like I'm a part of something. I don't feel like I'm a part of anything right now. I feel disconnected and unwanted. I'm present in places, but I'm not welcomed. No one chooses me.

I know I have a really defeatist attitude, but I just take what I see and make conclusions from there. I watch people and they connect so easily and spend so much time together, but it never works out for me like that.

I guess, I just look for a real friendship right away and other people know how to socialize and have fun. I don't know how to do that the way others do. I wish I did. I really do care for and respect people and I want to be a part of their lives. I want to learn how to connect with them, but at the same time I'm afraid that they don't want me around or even like me.

I feel so small.

"The Only Thing Constant is Change" and "I'm in Need of Stimulation"

You know, you really can't be sure of anything but change. That is the only constant in this turbulent world of ours. Change can bring a person so much growth and joy, but it also rips them of that as well, at times.

I'm not entirely sure why things happen when they do, but I know that there is a reason. But it seems to me that in my life all the things that have happened to me have had a reason. It's just that those reasons seems to change or having different meaning everyday.

I mean, originally I thought that a certain person came back into my life as a sign that I had finally overcome my struggle, and showed me that I had found forgiveness and was finally ready to move. I saw it as a second chance. I saw it as a new hope to a previously dark situation. But now, I'm beginning to think something else was going on.

I feel more so now that it was a test. That the reappearance of this person in my life was to show me what it would be like if my "wish" for a rekindled friendship was granted. This situation has proven to me that nothing has changed with this person. And this is one time where the lack of change is not good. It's quite disappointing actually. However, on the positive side, I now know completely the end to that story. The end to that part of my life.

I had some amazing memories from that time--memories of finally beginning to find myself. I will never regret that time. I just wish that I could have held the good times through to the future and now, the present. But instead, I had to grow more from my loss. I'm thankful for finding this 'new' part of myself. This part that has struggled and hurt and survived that has become a stronger and more confident person because of it.

I've been thinking about this for a while and just wanted to get it out. I'm not emotional right now, simply complacent. A little nostalgic, but not emotional, which is an improvement.

I do wish, though, for an incredible experience. An inspiring one. I feel like a need stimulation right now and that just might satisfy that need, I would think. We'll see what the week has in store.