It's that time again.

I feel like I always make a post around this time of year, because I do. I always have a lot on my mind and a lot that I carry at this time. The valuable and meaningful aspects of this holiday all revolve around family. My family has been broken for as long as I can remember. We are broken as a unit and we are often times broken as individuals in one way or another. Because of that it's pretty much impossible for me to be happy.

I have a lot to be grateful for, but the entire crutch of this family is that we don't know how to connect or be with one another, so holidays like this are doomed to fail. We all put on a nice face and suffer through it (at least I do). It's the one day of the year that leaves me feeling the most empty, when it's intended for the opposite. And every time the day rolls around, I'm reminded that nothing has changed for us.

The one person in this family that has done nothing but show me love, care, and support is stuck in a nursing home and can't be with us. The whole thing just makes me sick.

I've been called a Scrooge and the Grinch for my attitude toward the holidays. But I will never understand why so much time goes into providing for and enjoying time with your family for this holiday, for two days, instead of applying that sort of care and compassion every day of the year with not only family but everyone else, too. As for my family, I will never understand why they can't even do it genuinely for one day, for this one Holiday.

I appreciate the intended meaning of Christmas for family, but it's never about that with mine. I don't like being this negative, or whining or whatever, but I just have to get these thoughts and feelings out so I can at least attempt to have hope for tomorrow and to not be miserable and disappointed.

Maybe things will change this year. Sadly, though, I doubt it.

December.

Life has been as crazy as ever the past two months. I've been jumping from one thing to the next nonstop between SP, school, work, TAN, family, friends, etc. It becomes stressful and mentally overwhelming quickly, but not having a lot to do gets me emotionally and physically exhausted. Now that the fall semester has finally ended, I find my mind free to wander again. There is freedom in that, but it's also dangerous for me. I've said it time and time again, and unfortunately it is still true--I'm incredibly self-destructive and I don't know how to stop.

I try holding everything in and to let it fade away or roll off my shoulders, I try confronting situations and people to find a solution. I try to do nothing I try to do something. No matter what I do, I feel like I end up where I started. I try to evolve as a person, and I have in many ways, but for what? Even approaching things freely, openly, objectively, logically, maturely, whatever that doesn't change anything. It doesn't change other people. It doesn't change the world. It doesn't necessarily even change the situation. It changes me and that's it. What good does changing and growing for myself do, if everything else stays the same? Then I'm just existing in my own existence, right?

I honestly try every day to be good and do good for both myself and everyone around me through small and big acts alike. It's not that I want to be constantly rewarded or to receive some ultimate recognition or prize or anything. I just want to be appreciated and respected, not revered or adored, but simply appreciated. Is that greedy and selfish for me to want that? Am I supposed to just give and give and give until there's nothing left? I'm not asking that the whole world lift me up. A pat on the pack every once in a while would be nice, though.

I hate saying these sorts of things, because I feel guilty and I feel ungrateful because I know I have a very fortunate life compared to many peoples' circumstances. I know that and it pains me to know that so many people suffer terribly and completely alone. I have family and friends and so I'm not alone. But they make me feel that way sometimes. Some tear me down and whether they are joking or not, it's hurtful. The others don't necessarily tear me down, but they don't build me up either. I think that's why my love and appreciation for Grandpa and Grandma runs so deep within me--because I never once doubted their love, appreciation, and respect for me. Not once. Everyone else, with the exception of a few high school friends, I've doubted every single day. A lot of that is my insecurities, I will own up to that. However, a lot of it is a lack of understanding, respect, and care from certain people in my life.

We're all here and yet no one takes care of each other. No one cares for one another.

What hurts me most is not that this is the case necessarily, but that this may always be the case and that there is no hope for change. That nothing will make a difference in the long run. That scares me to death.

I want to believe that one day my life will change enough to where my hopes and goals can at least be a possibility and that I can at least have the chance to make them a reality with sincerity and dedication. I want to be able to end the cycle this family and many of my friends have created of passing along the inability to love and care for each other. I want it to stop. I want to love my children and teach them and let them teach me. I want to listen to them. I don't want to watch them go through high and lows, but to support them. I don't want them to cry alone. I don't want to give them answers, but allow them to discover their own (questions, too).

I want the game to change and the cycle to break. I want to be together, in every sense of the word. I want these things to at least be possible. I want something I do or say or think or feel to mean something to someone. I want that to make a difference.

My mom always says I have too high of expectations, when really I think my expectations are low. I just wish people would prove me wrong sometimes.

October.

My life continues to be a complete and total roller coaster. I have had so much to be grateful for and happy about this month, and yet, so much shit has happened at the same time. Maybe life just gradually becomes more and more like this as we grow older, but either way it's frustrating.

Most of the shit boils down to the simple fact that people are selfish far too often. I'm so tired of a lot of people around me who have no regard for those around them. I don't understand what is so difficult about being good to one another? If you treat yourself so well, then how does one have zero capacity to put some of that good treatment to someone else? Especially when they are your friend or family member?

I'm not saying that everyone should love everyone, but there is such a thing as simple, common decency. You don't have to sacrifice everything, but there does come a time when one should sacrifice at least something for others.

September.

This month has already presented me a lot of challenges. I've had this subconscious anxiety with everything going on with Cassidy the last couple of weeks while I attempted to prepare for South Pacific and as Arabian started creeping its way into my life, as well. Everything at work is at a peak of busyness and takes up so much time in this shuffle of responsibilities. I've slowly been trying to allow myself to let go of the desire to go the the GC Festival in New York. And in the midst of that trying to adapt to the current situation of struggle with my brother.

All of this stress, worry, frustration, etc. blew up in my face yesterday and just left me completely empty. Losing Cassidy ripped my heart to shreds. Experiencing death like this is a painful and frightening reminder that there is so much in our lives that just doesn't mean shit when it comes down to it. It makes so much seem pointless, worthless. While I have been desperately grasping for any and every memory I possibly can of her, I can't help but feel so guilty and disappointed in myself for leaving so much unsaid. For not giving her a ride, or texting her randomly. For not doing even the smallest gesture to let her know that I still cared about her and would have loved to help her or be in her life. To let her know that I am her friend. I let years go by without ever talking to her face-to-face. No, we were not best friends. And no, we probably never would have been. But it's really difficult to not believe that there was at something I might have been able to do. To touch her life with even a fraction of the light that she brought to everyone else's lives. 

She made a lot of mistakes in her life. She took a lot of risks. But isn't that what life is suppose to be? Her actions may have been seen as reckless and I do believe some of them were. But I just wonder how different it all would be if everyone who is collectively missing her now, would have embraced her in her last months. If maybe she wouldn't have felt the need to break her sobriety. 

I'm haunted by a lot of these 'what if's and I wish I could get them out of my head so I could just mourn and heal properly. I suppose that it's just a part of the process. There's just such an active memory of her, I can still see perfectly playing in my mind. I can hear her laugh, see her walk, everything. I wish I remembered more. I wish I wouldn't have been so insecure and scared and would have actually hung out with her more. I can't do that now.

It breaks my heart to think of how incredible her life would have been if she could have kicked the addiction for good. At the same time, though, I think her soul was too beautiful for this ugly world. 

Right now it's just impossible for me to accept that she is gone. It doesn't feel real. I don't know if I'll ever fully be able to wrap my head or my heart around this. I can't even imagine what her best/life-long friends and her family are going through right now. If I feel this low, their pain must be unfathomable. 

Through all of this, so much fear has come along. Fear that one day it'll be me, or my best friend, or my brother, or my parents, etc. And then once that thought comes, an even more frightening one follows: one day it will be that day for each and every one of them. That impending heartache is too much for me to imagine and I think it is making all of this that much more painful.

Cassidy and Karen had a lot of issues as siblings. That much was clear. However, they also are two of the closest sisters I have ever met in my entire life. And knowing that they are forever apart now, makes me want to run screaming and crying because I don't think I will ever know what that is like. To have my sibling be so integral to my life. To have my sibling know me, in and out, better than anyone else. That frightens and saddens me so much. 

So not only is this a time of heartache, but one of great fear, too. That's a lot to handle at once.

Thankfully, today ended up being better. I have truly and unbelievably wonderful friends who make me really happy. I am so grateful for them, especially now. This has taught me that I can never take that for granted. And it reinforces my belief that we all NEED to be good to one another. Life is way too short to not have love in your heart for each and every person. 

I would give anything to have Cassidy back. But since I can't, the very least I can do is to ensure that she is always remembered, and that I will never take anyone for granted again. I am inspired more than ever to be aware of what truly matters and cherish it dearly. 

A lot left unsaid.

I don't know why it has been so hard for me to come back to this and update on everything. Most importantly, update on my conversation with my brother. It surprisingly went well and a lot better than I had anticipated. The whole experience was exactly what I needed at the time. And for a long time after that everything seemed to be moving toward the direction I was hoping for or at least showed promise in doing so.

Lately, however, I have been having my doubts again. I've just been consistently reminded of how self-centered he truly is, and though he says he is aware of it, I don't think he honestly knows what it means to put others first. He thinks that saying he loves me, and saying he cares, and saying that he will make changes will make all the difference. That's just not enough. And it's not the point.

He's made an effort to have me in his life more, but still makes zero effort to be a part of or to know anything about my life at all. The latter is what matters most in this situation. Showing someone that you love them and care about them is done through taking interest in their life as equally as you make them a part of your own. He has no perception of that and it just makes it seem like our conversation meant nothing and served no purpose for him. I mean, it helped me for a while, which is good, but now I feel like I'm back to where we started and that is infuriating.

I don't see what else I can do and I don't see him honestly doing anything any time soon. I'm just so tired of wasting my time and my love on someone who doesn't actively care about anything but his self-interest.

Maybe I'm asking too much of him at once. But can I really be asking too much if he doesn't even seem to grasp what I'm asking of him, period? I don't think he truly understands what it means to love someone AND be there for them. I don't understand why that is so hard for people to do, because for me it seems like the two go hand-in-hand.

I have made so many sacrifices for him--to support him and in an effort to get time back that we've lost. He has yet to make one for me. He has yet to do anything for me really. He half-asses everything and I'm so done.

P.E.A.C.E.

I've been trying to figure out how to handle and go about my impending talk with my brother. I keep going over possible ways of saying what I feel and think and debating on what to bring up and discuss in the first place. I don't know what is most important and relevant in order to keep it as peaceable as possible. I finally turned to one of my books from philosophy class for guidance and I was reminded of the P.E.A.C.E process. (Problem. Emotions. Analysis. Contemplation. Equilibrium.). I actually realized that I have been doing each of these things while trying to figure out this whole situation. However, I've been going from one to the other in an unorganized and somewhat chaotic and sporadic manner and so I thought writing out my thought process for each might help me make sense of things as it so often does for me with other aspects of my life.

Problem:
My brother and I have no unification as siblings. We live our lives completely separate of one another and always have. This separation has resulted in a disconnect and distance between the two of us that makes us akin to strangers in many ways. We love one another, yet don't practice it. I don't think we know how to.//For Matt, I don't think he even sees a problem, which is part of the problem in my eyes. He thinks everything is fine when I feel like there's nothing there. It hurts that he seems satisfied with our relationship or lack thereof.

Emotions:
This problem has affected me and been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I've felt abandoned and unwanted. Mostly not good enough. It makes be sad and angry all at the same time. Sad because I love my brother and want to be close to him. Angry because I believe it shouldn't and doesn't have to be this way. I think it all comes down to feeling alone. It's one thing to not feel close to my parents. That seems natural to me, but it feels unnatural to not be close to my own brother. // For Matt, I know that he loves me. But I feel like he doesn't show me. I understand that, like Mom, it's harder for him to express how he feels. But I just wish he would act as though he loved me more than just saying it. I know he doesn't want to hurt me and I don't want to hurt him either, but I can't keep hurting myself.

Analysis:
I think I've started this already, even in my previous two paragraphs. This is typical of me, always jumping ahead and thinking too quickly as I go. The one thing I am fairly certain of is the fact that in one way or another talking to Matt and approaching him about all of this is the solution or at least first step to a solution to the problem. It's the one thing I haven't tried yet--addressing the situation with him directly. I've avoided it mostly out of fear and just generally not being ready nor being prepared to have that discussion. I've had to do a lot of personal discovery and development to get to this point and I think it's time for me to actually face this before it becomes a permanent chip on my shoulder. I just want to do it in the least problematic manner as possible.

Contemplation:
My disposition. My disposition or personal philosophy and outlook on this situation is that I will survive and I will go on if things don't work out the way that I wish. I will have happiness and I will live my life and I will accomplish things and I will have wonderful people in life. I have a good life and I will continue to have a good life, with or without being close to my brother. However, I'm afraid that  everything unspoken about this and how I feel will eat away at me throughout my life and it will limit me. I don't want that. And I don't want it to turn into resentment or regret. I just want to finally express myself and let the situation at least be recognized. I don't expect it to be fixed or for everything to be as I want and wish it to be, but I want to release it so at least I can heal and be able to move on peacefully regardless of the result. At this point I just want the conversation, not necessarily the resolution.

Equilibrium:
Just in typing this all out I feel more balanced about the situation and I believe as ready as I can be (and definitely more prepared) to actually put this conversation into action. Post-conversation I may have to revisit this process, but this has most certainly proved to be helpful, worthwhile, and what I needed to do before contacting my brother.

So, I guess here it goes. To be continued...

A burst.

Something came over me tonight and I don't know how to explain what happened. Mom mentioned how much we "went through" with Matt and alcohol so its place in his life worries her and I questioned her about it. I admit, I did so more suddenly and aggressively than I meant to. Just something in me clicked and I was talking quicker than my brain could process from where my feelings about her comment and the situation were coming.*

*The damn electricity went out so I didn't have wi-fi when I was typing this. But I'm too lazy to type this all up again so the rest of the blog is in the photo below. Also, I was too lazy to make the photo look nice, so that will have to work.

The Things.

A list of things occupying my mind lately. (In no specific order)

1. AFI and NYFA
2. Summertree
3. Touch-up tattoo & new tattoo
4. jva
5. Insanity
6. Grandma, death, euthanasia
7. Dad. Matt. Distance.
8. Dawson's Creek...
9. Filmmaking, directing, editing, AD, cinematography. Passion. Drive.
10. The Amazing Spider-Man. Comics. Story. Heart.
11. Marc Webb.
12. Dr. Miller.
13. Taylor High School. THS Drama.
14. London. Travel. Europe. New experiences. Places.
15. Finding home. Garden State.
16. Capstone Capstone Capstone.
17. Scholarships.
18. Music. Wheels. Awake, aware, sentient.
19. Friendship. Alone.
20. Inspiration.
21. Wanting to be who I want to be without outside opinion, norms, history as obstacles.
22. Graduation. Looking back.
23. Road trips.
24. Roger Ebert. Happiness. Cinema. Life's arch.

Assortment.

You know those things in life that naturally fill voids and just make the hard things a little easier? I feel disconnected from mine and like some are slipping away. At the same time, there doesn't seem to be anything I can do. And those that I can do, I'm too scared to--afraid that it's never the right time, that I'm not ready, or that it will be a mistake in some way and I'll regret it.

I haven't been this doubtful in a long time and I think it's because I'm not in the environment that nurtures me and allows me to thrive and grow. I feel caged here. Every time I come 'home', it's like reverting back to high school and growing up when I was predominantly miserable. Clearly I don't want that, but I also don't know how to overcome it either.

I don't think about or miss Taylor when I'm at NKU because they are both home in their own special way. However, knowing that Taylor is freezing in time and has a foreseeable end being attached to it, I feel as though a bit of me is aching to hold on. It truly is like when someone dies and you go into this panic of fear, knowing that nothing could possibly be the same without it. I know the new will bring so many opportunities to students, teachers, and the community, but it's hard to let go of the one thing that held us all together as a singular common ground--a shared and unified home. We didn't have the best things but by far we had the greatest pride, drive, and heart. I don't want to see that go away or being replaced and taken for granted.

(Note: This was typed late afternoon on Wednesday, May 29th.)

What's next...

As of right now it seems as though I am in a transitioning process between the previous and the next step and time/section/part of my life. It's not yet established what this summer will be like and that is both exciting and intimidating for me.

I'm hoping to have more meditative and reflective time this summer and do things purely for my own serenity. As well, the goal is to finally make a change in my eating and exercising habits in hopes that it will lead to a happier and healthier lifestyle both physically and mentally. It will definitely be a "one step at a time" process, but I think I have finally developed enough patience and will power to actually give it all a legitimate try.

My situation with work is in a strange place in my head and heart. I enjoy what I do and the company and I continue to learn a lot from my experiences there. However, a part of me is starting to feel like just a cog in a machine and I still don't quite understand the machine in some ways. I feel out of place at times and more like an inconvenience than an asset.

Between that being in the back of my mind and everything with Grandma, Uptown, Cappies, and Dad, I don't think I'd be handling it all this well if it weren't for Miller's philosophy class. I feel like I'm not going into things as blindly as I would before and I have a better sense of how to respond to the world around me and distinguish between what is reality or necessary versus the perception of it all that my mind tries to make for itself.

And lastly, there is still a great deal of mystery and uncertainty with this new addition to my life. I don't what it means or where it is going. I don't know if I have any control in the matter or not. All I know is that it brings me joy and enthusiasm and evokes parts of me and allows me to express myself in ways I previously doubted anyone give me the chance to.

Therefore, the question of what's next is still dangling in the air, unanswered. And for once, I'm actually okay with that (at the moment).

Winding down with reflection.

I think it is safe to say that I have survived this semester somehow. I'm not entirely sure how I managed it, but I did and I am honestly proud of myself. Starting the semester I knew I was going to be taking on a lot and my mother doubted that I would be able to handle it. I was afraid she would be right, but I believe I've earned the right to say that I proved her wrong. I have done well this semseter in my accomplishments and achievements. I'm grateful to know that I was capable of fulfilling the high demands and responsibilities I took on in the last couple of months. It's a relief to know that I am nearing the end, but I couldn't be happier to be able to say that I did it and that I did it fairly well, too.

Now knowing how much I am capable of and being aware of where my limitations lie, I feel more comfortable and confident moving forward in my life. I've learned so much about how I work, how I want to work, who I am, and who I want to be. I owe so much to this semester for it really has transformed me and my life for the better. Everything is in progress, but it's great knowing that I am making progress, as well, by improving and becoming stronger as a worker and as a human being.

***

I took a break from typing this and in that time period, something just hit me. I wonder when or if the feeling of having to part with certain times and places of my life will go away. As a student, my life events are punctuated by the start of school, moving into my dorm, holiday breaks, end of the semester, finals, etc. etc. Sometimes when I look at older adults, especially my dad or people that have lived a certain lifestyle for years and years, if they enjoy life better that way having the consistency or if it makes life more heartbreaking/hard to part from and move on.

Some progress. And patience.

I managed to somehow I've been able to find my way through all the stress and bullshit some. I've realized I can't let myself shut down when something isn't going right or I don't get what I want or need. I've been practicing the philosophies I've been realizing lately and it has been very helpful. Philosophy doesn't help my sleeping schedule or lack thereof, but it helps my spirits, which is good.

I think I'm finally learning how to accept things for what they are and not over analyzing things like I tend to do. I still think about things a lot, but I'm not letting my thoughts and my emotions mix as much right now. At least, I don't think...ha.

The next week and a half is going to be insane. And I'm scared, but I'm trying not to be. I'm trying to remind myself that no matter what all of these things will be survived. I might be stressed, lose sleep, or cry, but it will all come to its own as it should.

That's another significant thing I've learned lately. I've learned that patience really is the greatest virtue. And the more patient, I am the more rewarding and liberating the results are.

I have made progress and am in progress. This journey is coming to its end in the next few weeks and its hard to fathom. Perhaps it's good circumstance that I'm too busy to truly fathom all of that just yet.

Once I'm through this phase, I can finally open myself up to the next phase I've been so looking forward to.

April as a whirlwind.

There is so much going on lately and I feel overwhelmed. I have my ups and downs, but what's weird is that I feel just a constant tension in my body all day and I'm not really sure what there is to do about it. It seems that at this point all I can really do is somehow attempt patience and ride this month out and let what will be, be.

I'm spending so much time trying to keep it all together, be professional, not let my guard down, not let anyone down, especially myself, that I haven't been able to let go and free myself at all. I'm not giving myself the opportunity for catharsis and I really don't know how or when I would do that either. But I feel stuck. Stuck between my responsibilities and my emotional and philosophical well-being.

I want to be responsible, but I want to practice the life I want to live. And I want to explore the connection and relationship I've been developing, but the room for that is slim to none in my life right now, which is frustrating.

As per usual lately Miller has been bringing up and discussing all the right things at the right time in class and it gives me guidance and something to focus on and learn from throughout this process lately.

Nothing is a difficult thing to do. And nothing is what I need to do right now. I have responsibilities, but I need to relinquish my control and my hand in the matters. I can't fix things or make them happen. I can only live and act as I so choose. I must master myself, before things can take their course properly outside of me.

That's an extremely hard thing to practice. I'm getting better at that, though, I believe. I still don't know how to not let my rooted fears affect me so much. I try to find artistic inspiration and expose myself and learn from others' work, but I can't get the thought out of my head of: what if I'm not good enough to create something like that? I think that's my biggest fear with filmmaking right now, is the doubt of me actually having any talent for it. I'm scared to try it and I'm worried that I'm going to find out that I can't do it. I don't know how I'd handle that. Clearly, I'll never know until I try, but still. It's a really intimidating step to take when it's such a significant part of who I am and fuels me as a passion.

Spring is here. And I don't mean the weather.

So spring break ending up surprising me like none other. The bonfire was probably one of the best nights of my life. It was one of those time where--even though things weren't perfect or exactly how I thought they would or would not be--everything felt relevant. Like things happened exactly how they were supposed to. It was enlightening in many ways and I enjoyed have that time to reflect on where I've been, where I am, and where I'm going. It showed me how far I've come and how much I've grown and developed into being comfortable and confident in who I am and who I want to be for myself and for others.

I was able to connect with people, which is all I've ever wanted. It was really nice to have people listen to and care about what I have to say and how I feel and what is going on my life. I had no idea, though, how much would result just from that evening.

For once I feel like there is mutual interest between myself and someone who I could honestly fall for and have as a nurturing and comforting/healthy addition to my life. It's nice to have someone who appreciates me and sees something in me and outright puts an effort to make me a part of their life. I don't know if this is just friendship or something more, but either way I am just grateful for the connection and the experience. Though, I'm not going to lie, I would love for this to continue and grow.

Not only do I feel like my personal life is finally starting to find shape in one way or another, but also my creative future and theatre career as well. The only issue I have is that I want so many different opportunities and experiences right now and throughout my years and it's difficult to make all of them happen at once. But after a talk with Brian, I think I feel more confident in that I am actually capable of accomplishing what I want to do creatively.

I am not completely satisfied with everything and I'm not necessarily elated or anything like that, but I am okay. And by okay, I mean I am accepting what I have been given and I'm grateful for the possibilities and learning to trust in that what will be will be and to enjoy the ride and see every part of it as necessary and something to expand, improve, or reflect on.

I feel like I'm in the right place. I don't know where exactly I'm going, but I trust this path.

The start of Spring Break.

Friday's lovely weather. High school friends. Taylor Drama. The realization that theatre is a powerful means for learning and bringing people together. Skyline. Old times at Emily's. Saturday's also beautiful weather. An incredibly magical and wonderful movie. Phenomenal food. Work craziness. More work craziness. Do not resuscitate. Philosophy, religion, spirituality with Mama. Trip to Taylor and Raver/Kohrs. Perks with the best friend. I don't know if I've ever been able to reflect on the past, present, and future so incredibly throughout a movie before. Ending with Friends. Always concerned about the future and where I'm supposed to be and going.

Black Spot. Local Natives. Relevant.

Oh,no I'm dying world

I can feel it arise. And the thing is, I knew it before

I re-open my eyes. And if I didn't know to be afraid. The faces made me sure that I do now. As I sit and wait, as I sit and wait

Oh no, I'm dying worldAnd I still lay here aliveWith a black spot on my arm

And so calm, I look inside. And I see the things I always knew. But wasn't sure until now

That if it comes to claim, that if it comes to claim I won't run

I won't run

I won't run

I won't run

I won't run

The puzzle.

I don't know how to fit the puzzle pieces together. I think I've spent every waking moment of my life  trying to make sure that they do. I think that's why I'm usually terminally emotional and conflicted about anything and everything.

I'm stuck between understanding whether I am invisible or I make myself invisible. It seems as though no matter what I do or don't do, that is the result though.

I want to take care of everyone else and no one wants to take care of or care for me. Protect me. Nurture me. Comfort me.

I don't think I've ever experienced true joy. Is there such a thing? Or can you not experience one thing without its opposite, its contradiction?

I'm never the choice. I trusted my Grandfather, is that way I seem to only trust those like him?

So much is going through my mind and all I can seem to do his hold my breath or cry. Cry and cry and cry.

I've been alone and on my own too much lately and I think it's taking its toll. Am I ever not alone, though?

Birthday celebration with the fam.

I don't know how I should feel nor how I do feel about tonight. I started off being annoyed and hurt and frustrated by the fact that my father and brother decide to ignore everyone around them when having a conversation. There are other people at the dinner table you know, one of whom is supposed to be celebrating her birthday, but clearly seems to be invisible or of little importance to you. It's just a reoccurring thing and it gets on my nerves.

Furthermore, I don't know why dad's personality infuriates me so much, but it does and, like I told mom, I feel like a lot of things he says and does loses meaning considering he wears his heart on his sleeve constantly and it sometimes gets in the way of just enjoying the moment for what it is. Instead he tries to make every single thing into a compliment or whatever and it just irks me and I'm not entirely or always sure why.

We ended up actually talking about things that mattered for once, which was nice. I still would have liked for everyone to take more of an interest in my life and what I've been doing. I don't mean that in a conceited way, but just in that it was my celebration. Matt was actually the main one to actually ask things, which meant a lot. Again, it wasn't exactly what I wanted, but it was a step in that direction which I wasn't expecting and am grateful for.

I just thought I would feel happier about that improvement, but for some reason I still feel incredibly "blah" about the whole thing. I'm not sure why and I can't really pinpoint it, which is strange, because I normally know and right now I have no clue.

I'm hoping some sleep will refresh my mind and then maybe I will be able to make some sense of it all. At least it wasn't a disaster, like usual, but I still feel uneasy or uncertain, or something about it. Hopefully I'll figure it out

Too many tears and tears.

I know I'm an emotional person and I don't think it's a secret whatsoever. I've accepted it and even embrace it in some respects, but sometimes it honestly scares me and worries me. The tiniest of things can just hit me in a such a way that so many levels of emotions burst out of me at once in reaction. It doesn't seem like I have much control over it, either. It just seems to happen.

It sucks because I know in my mind that I have reasons, and good ones for feeling the way that I do. I just can never seem to be able to explain my reasoning. It always comes off like I'm super sensitive and overreacting all the time, but there is validity to why I feel the way that I do and I know it's not unreasonable.

But instead, I'm being told "stop being so hard on people","let it go", "forgive people", blahblahblah. Essentially, I am told that I am the problem. That I need to change. Why am I made out to be the unreasonable one all the time? Why can't anyone just take me seriously for how I think and feel and not try to fix me like I'm the one that has the issue? Yeah, I have issues, but they're because of the people that are  constantly saying these things to me. So maybe, and call me crazy, but maybe it would be easier for me to change if you put forth an equal effort. But that doesn't happen, ever, so why should I always be the one who actually tries?

I don't like hurting my mother. I don't like making her feel guilty. But I also can't just stay silent all the time and pretend like the things my "family" does and doesn't do has no effect on me. I just don't think they realize that if things don't change, I don't plan on being around and involving myself in their lives anymore. I need to nurture my spirit not tear it apart or let it be torn apart.

The longer this is like this, the easier it will be to give up and move on. I'm just not putting up with this anymore. I mean, no matter what there will be a hole in me, but the deeper the negative the greater the positive.

When it comes to this topic and situation, I feel like it will always sound like I'm whining or ungrateful, but seriously there aren't words to describe how much I am eaten up by all of this and I can't stand it anymore. And I know that me being upset eats up my family so why not just end the cycle and let go of it all? That's not what I want, but I feel like it's the only option that will be left if this continues to be the only path.

NYFA

I finally got the reassurance I've been looking for to help me see that my "dream" is a possibility as long as I am willing to put forth my all and truly devote myself to it.

I am so grateful to be able to encounter the people I have in my life and I feel lucky in the fact that they have felt encouraged to reach out to me and to see something worthwhile in me and what I do and want to do.

A piece of my future was handed to me today, I believe, and I plan to make the most of it. Something ignited in me today, something I haven't felt confident in lately and I'm grateful. My passion and my drive is here and now I need to practice patience and trust that I can make my life into what I want it to be and that I can accomplish what I desire.

Thank you, Charlie, for giving me that hope today and humbling me with your kindness and generosity.

Holy Howl

I am so indescribably moved by the film Howl. Certainly some of the best 84 minutes I've ever spent.
There's such a fluidity and honesty and artfulness to it. Probably the first time I have ever seen a film be able to bring a poet and poetry in general alive. The imagery and the composition of the script is beautiful. I found myself crying just from the sheer feeling and emotion it brought to me.

This is exactly why I want to make films--why I need to make films. That's the only way I would know how to truly express myself. I'm not good with words. I'm visual and I can't wait to finally be able to explore that.

That's a goal for after Furbelow. I must truly devote time to that art. I really do need that for my own well-being and sake of exploration.

Feeling inspired is good.

Down right now.

Why am I so utterly insignificant to people? Why am I so utterly insignificant to myself?

What should I do? I'm at a loss here. I don't know.

I give. They take.

Sometimes it really sucks giving your all for people and realizing that they probably and usually don't do the same for you. I make a lot of sacrifices for people and go out of my way to help them a lot and  yet I need one favor and that is too much for them. It goes back to the fact that I feel like I will end up and always have ended up having to handle everything on my own, by myself, alone. As always.

I know I will never stop helping people when they need it. I will always put others before myself and  that may sound boastful, but it's just a habit I can't seem to break, to a fault really. And I like being there for people and being able to give and provide and find a way to ease their stress, struggle, or to make them happy. But I don't think it's outrageous for me to like to have the same in return every once in a while.

I'm really stuck right now and I'd appreciate if my friends could come through for me. I have a feeling, though, that this will be yet another time where I have to fix everything on my own.

My mental-emotional rhythms lately:

A crack.

It's kinda strange how so much can be going on and nothing can be going on in my life in the same time. My days are filled with duties and responsibilities. I make it through and I do the best I can. The whole time though I'm thinking about so much of what I the future to hold and about everything I hope to accomplish and do. I have ideas and I want to create them.

I'm really alone lately, but for the most part I've been okay with that for once. I'm in the mood a lot to just be in my own world and head, so I guess it's a good thing. The only problem has been that if I have to deal with people outside that world, my family mostly, I crack under pressure, frustration, something. I wish I wanted them to be a part of my life. I mean, ideally I do. But I know it would never work unless they actually payed attention and cared about anything but themselves for once. If they actually knew how to be there for me. I just wish they knew the meaning of things instead of just..things.

A conversation in philosophy class basically shattered me. I had thought about it all before, but the way that Miller discussed it all, I just saw things differently than I have until now. Or maybe not seen it differently, but actually believed in and accepted it instead of just thinking about it as speculation. Divorce was the topic. He mentioned how kids that watch their parents divorce are intensely affected by it, even it they don't know it. And I've heard that statement/idea before and I've thought about it before, but for some reason when he said it I felt like he was talking to me and it just hit me: how have I been affected? How badly?

I've always said it was the right thing. That it needed to happen and that if it didn't happen, Matt and I and mom and dad would be worse off. And I still believe that. But I also think that maybe I will never be able to love someone as a partner because I've never known that affection. I never saw my parents with it, so isn't it impossible that I'll ever be able to know? And I find myself being bitter that they affected me in this way; I am forced into acting and feeling and living a certain way because of it. At least, I don't know how to break free of it.

I mean, I don't trust my family's love, so how can I trust anyone's? I have a feeling that the closest thing I'll have to mutual love and nurturing will be through my relationship with film and art, as strange as that may sound. Nothing else has given as much as, if not more than, what it takes from me.

My birthday is coming up and it just reminds me that it's been yet another year of nothing changing as far as my family is concerned. We are so far apart and I don't ever see us getting closer. I'm giving up hope with that.

I'm not sure where this is going or why this is going. I just finally needed to get some of this out--purge myself some so I can focus on my homework, responsibilities, etc.

Philosophy Journal 1.

What's difficult about deciding what exactly is important in life or to oneself as a person is that one becomes restricted by the mere definition of 'important'. It's hard to find clarity when deciding on an answer because not only is there a definition  for important, but also connotations and assumptions that typically go along with it.

When I was little, I thought that making sure I did things the way people wanted me to, that I liked the same things as others, and that I matched up to what people wanted and expected of me was important. I looked up to adults both literally and figuratively and I would have done anything to be just like them. Throughout growing up, as I learned more about what was important to other people I slowly started realizing when I agreed with them and when I did not. Therefore, by realizing I didn't believe what they did I started to develop my own belief system and way of viewing the world and myself.

What's most important to me now is honesty/clarity, purpose, compassion, communication, empathy, and simply the act of trying no matter what circumstance or condition one is found it. I strive to see things as they are and appreciate them as they are whether they be good, bad, ugly, complicated, simple, or whatever. I think everyone should strive to find some purpose, I have a hard time explaining what that means to me or how I understand that in my mind, but it's just something I feel aware and conscious of in myself as important or vital. I think compassion toward yourself and to others is important always. If more people could understand compassion and the personal sacrifice that comes with it I think we would be less concerned with menial societal stigmas. Through compassion, I try to understand the feelings, thoughts, and lives of others through empathy as much as possible. I think it brings humility to us as people.

Why are these things important? How do I know? I really don't know. The only thing I can be sure of is my existence. Therefore everything I experience and encounter, I relate to myself. Through my experiences I have come to these conclusions and they 'feel' right to me and make sense and have allowed me to make sense of myself and my surroundings, so I am grateful for them. So, yes, they are important because I think so. No one can bring the verdict of if they really are, though, because no one is truly objective. Which, I feel is sadly why so many look to religions and other people or deities to give them some form of verification of their actions and beliefs instead of trusting in themselves, rather than everyone else's.

Anywhere but here. Anyone but Me.

I'm doing everything possible in my capabilities and power to make sure that I earn and get the life that I want. The life with the people who listen to me, care for me, support me, and know me. I'm so done with this "family" and the town that we live in. I can't shake the feeling that I'm meant to do and be more than this place's standard and that's what I want.

That's the goal. Hopefully, this second semester will just bring me another step closer to fulfilling that.

'12 to '13

New Years actually turned out to be a really great time for me. Definitely the best I have ever had. I have a lot of great memories from that night and it was the closest I had felt to my best friend of my life for a long time now.

I just hate how those moments are so limited. I feel like I matter momentarily until something more interesting comes along, namely a boy or a more exciting personality/friend. Promises and talks with me are forgotten and pushed aside and it just sucks.

I wish I wasn't the one who cared the most. I know I didn't used to be and now I am. It hurts that I feel like my feelings are never quite reciprocated, with any friendships or relationship.

I feel insignificant and like a side thought. So far that hasn't changed in 2013. Has anything really changed though in the scheme of things? People have gone in and out. Things have started and then ended. I've grown but am I really different? Sometimes I think yes, but today and most days, I say no.