Oh, what a while.

It's been a while. Nearly a month. I've been tempted to write more times than I can count lately, but I just haven't had the time to fully commit to a post and I've been struggling with how to find the words to sum up and express it all. In the last couple of weeks I've had some struggles and triumphs as comes with the passing of time and the daily living out of a life.

I'm doing everything I can to push forward with grace. I'm happy I have the opportunity to learn from this internship, but I must admit that lately it's been putting a sour feeling in my stomach. A lot of what is necessary goes against my nature and not in a liberating manner. I feel my voice being given a chance and challenged at the same time and it's becoming frustrating and a bit exhausting, especially considering all of my responsibilities. I feel like I'm being resented and ignored for being responsible and honest. I don't know how to explain it, but I just don't feel comfortable. The opportunity is wonderful and I'm learning a lot, but I just think I'd rather be focusing on things I can control and working with people who respect me, regardless.

If anything, everything seems to be pointing me in the direction of stage management and film. It's becoming quite clear that that seems to be the right path for me and that makes me happy and takes away some of the stress and frustration for me. I'm really looking forward to experimenting more with that in my future. I just have to survive the chaos of this internship first.

On another note, I know I've talked a lot about how I feel like a new person lately and that I'm becoming more comfortable with myself and growing and all that jazz. It's kind of strange, though. In focusing on myself more and letting go of somethings I feel just as empty as I did before. I'm empty of anxiety and infatuation and some insecurities. I used to let everything get to me and I'm taking a lot of everything that built up in that way and trying to get rid of it. But, my same root hope is still there and I can't seem to get rid of it.

I still feel alone, but I'm at least not self-destructive about it which is progress at least.
I can't help but want more.

Starting in the mirror.

The person you think you are and the person others believe you to be will never be the same person. Not completely. I think I need to stop trying to make them one and instead accept, learn from, and embrace both and each and all of their distinctions.

And for as much as I want certain things in life, it hit me yesterday that I can't explore and have certain things without first being comfortable with myself. I feel like I'm getting there, but I'm still making a lot of changes and realizing that I can't just make external choices and changes, but that I also have to make internal choices and changes--in how I think, feel, and act.

I think the pieces are finally falling in place and I finally feel ready to turn my life around in the ways that I've wanted for a long time now. I'm determined to see it all through.

I'm a Green.

Hattie told me about how there is a specific "color" for every person. It's a similar concept to the Zodiac signs and studies. I don't know what the origin of it is, but it is surprisingly accurate. I am the color green. And it's really fascinating to me how things like that can fit people so well. I think it's clear that I've been doing a lot of thinking and analyzing of myself lately, and I think it's clear that I've always been like that. But the one thing that the whole "green" personality made me realize was that it really is of utmost importance to me that I preserve the person I am and the values I believe in. I protect it and I cherish it. This realization comes at an ironic time, seeing as it greatly supports my recent idea for my second tattoo. I look at it as a sign that it's the right one to get next.

It means a lot to me to externalize some of the biggest parts of me on my body in the form of art. And frankly I think my tattoo has been a significant factor in allowing me to accept myself and gain a more healthy, positive, and realistic outlook on my life and the world around me.

My tattoos are my therapy and my story, all in one.