Winding down with reflection.

I think it is safe to say that I have survived this semester somehow. I'm not entirely sure how I managed it, but I did and I am honestly proud of myself. Starting the semester I knew I was going to be taking on a lot and my mother doubted that I would be able to handle it. I was afraid she would be right, but I believe I've earned the right to say that I proved her wrong. I have done well this semseter in my accomplishments and achievements. I'm grateful to know that I was capable of fulfilling the high demands and responsibilities I took on in the last couple of months. It's a relief to know that I am nearing the end, but I couldn't be happier to be able to say that I did it and that I did it fairly well, too.

Now knowing how much I am capable of and being aware of where my limitations lie, I feel more comfortable and confident moving forward in my life. I've learned so much about how I work, how I want to work, who I am, and who I want to be. I owe so much to this semester for it really has transformed me and my life for the better. Everything is in progress, but it's great knowing that I am making progress, as well, by improving and becoming stronger as a worker and as a human being.

***

I took a break from typing this and in that time period, something just hit me. I wonder when or if the feeling of having to part with certain times and places of my life will go away. As a student, my life events are punctuated by the start of school, moving into my dorm, holiday breaks, end of the semester, finals, etc. etc. Sometimes when I look at older adults, especially my dad or people that have lived a certain lifestyle for years and years, if they enjoy life better that way having the consistency or if it makes life more heartbreaking/hard to part from and move on.

Some progress. And patience.

I managed to somehow I've been able to find my way through all the stress and bullshit some. I've realized I can't let myself shut down when something isn't going right or I don't get what I want or need. I've been practicing the philosophies I've been realizing lately and it has been very helpful. Philosophy doesn't help my sleeping schedule or lack thereof, but it helps my spirits, which is good.

I think I'm finally learning how to accept things for what they are and not over analyzing things like I tend to do. I still think about things a lot, but I'm not letting my thoughts and my emotions mix as much right now. At least, I don't think...ha.

The next week and a half is going to be insane. And I'm scared, but I'm trying not to be. I'm trying to remind myself that no matter what all of these things will be survived. I might be stressed, lose sleep, or cry, but it will all come to its own as it should.

That's another significant thing I've learned lately. I've learned that patience really is the greatest virtue. And the more patient, I am the more rewarding and liberating the results are.

I have made progress and am in progress. This journey is coming to its end in the next few weeks and its hard to fathom. Perhaps it's good circumstance that I'm too busy to truly fathom all of that just yet.

Once I'm through this phase, I can finally open myself up to the next phase I've been so looking forward to.

April as a whirlwind.

There is so much going on lately and I feel overwhelmed. I have my ups and downs, but what's weird is that I feel just a constant tension in my body all day and I'm not really sure what there is to do about it. It seems that at this point all I can really do is somehow attempt patience and ride this month out and let what will be, be.

I'm spending so much time trying to keep it all together, be professional, not let my guard down, not let anyone down, especially myself, that I haven't been able to let go and free myself at all. I'm not giving myself the opportunity for catharsis and I really don't know how or when I would do that either. But I feel stuck. Stuck between my responsibilities and my emotional and philosophical well-being.

I want to be responsible, but I want to practice the life I want to live. And I want to explore the connection and relationship I've been developing, but the room for that is slim to none in my life right now, which is frustrating.

As per usual lately Miller has been bringing up and discussing all the right things at the right time in class and it gives me guidance and something to focus on and learn from throughout this process lately.

Nothing is a difficult thing to do. And nothing is what I need to do right now. I have responsibilities, but I need to relinquish my control and my hand in the matters. I can't fix things or make them happen. I can only live and act as I so choose. I must master myself, before things can take their course properly outside of me.

That's an extremely hard thing to practice. I'm getting better at that, though, I believe. I still don't know how to not let my rooted fears affect me so much. I try to find artistic inspiration and expose myself and learn from others' work, but I can't get the thought out of my head of: what if I'm not good enough to create something like that? I think that's my biggest fear with filmmaking right now, is the doubt of me actually having any talent for it. I'm scared to try it and I'm worried that I'm going to find out that I can't do it. I don't know how I'd handle that. Clearly, I'll never know until I try, but still. It's a really intimidating step to take when it's such a significant part of who I am and fuels me as a passion.