September.

This month has already presented me a lot of challenges. I've had this subconscious anxiety with everything going on with Cassidy the last couple of weeks while I attempted to prepare for South Pacific and as Arabian started creeping its way into my life, as well. Everything at work is at a peak of busyness and takes up so much time in this shuffle of responsibilities. I've slowly been trying to allow myself to let go of the desire to go the the GC Festival in New York. And in the midst of that trying to adapt to the current situation of struggle with my brother.

All of this stress, worry, frustration, etc. blew up in my face yesterday and just left me completely empty. Losing Cassidy ripped my heart to shreds. Experiencing death like this is a painful and frightening reminder that there is so much in our lives that just doesn't mean shit when it comes down to it. It makes so much seem pointless, worthless. While I have been desperately grasping for any and every memory I possibly can of her, I can't help but feel so guilty and disappointed in myself for leaving so much unsaid. For not giving her a ride, or texting her randomly. For not doing even the smallest gesture to let her know that I still cared about her and would have loved to help her or be in her life. To let her know that I am her friend. I let years go by without ever talking to her face-to-face. No, we were not best friends. And no, we probably never would have been. But it's really difficult to not believe that there was at something I might have been able to do. To touch her life with even a fraction of the light that she brought to everyone else's lives. 

She made a lot of mistakes in her life. She took a lot of risks. But isn't that what life is suppose to be? Her actions may have been seen as reckless and I do believe some of them were. But I just wonder how different it all would be if everyone who is collectively missing her now, would have embraced her in her last months. If maybe she wouldn't have felt the need to break her sobriety. 

I'm haunted by a lot of these 'what if's and I wish I could get them out of my head so I could just mourn and heal properly. I suppose that it's just a part of the process. There's just such an active memory of her, I can still see perfectly playing in my mind. I can hear her laugh, see her walk, everything. I wish I remembered more. I wish I wouldn't have been so insecure and scared and would have actually hung out with her more. I can't do that now.

It breaks my heart to think of how incredible her life would have been if she could have kicked the addiction for good. At the same time, though, I think her soul was too beautiful for this ugly world. 

Right now it's just impossible for me to accept that she is gone. It doesn't feel real. I don't know if I'll ever fully be able to wrap my head or my heart around this. I can't even imagine what her best/life-long friends and her family are going through right now. If I feel this low, their pain must be unfathomable. 

Through all of this, so much fear has come along. Fear that one day it'll be me, or my best friend, or my brother, or my parents, etc. And then once that thought comes, an even more frightening one follows: one day it will be that day for each and every one of them. That impending heartache is too much for me to imagine and I think it is making all of this that much more painful.

Cassidy and Karen had a lot of issues as siblings. That much was clear. However, they also are two of the closest sisters I have ever met in my entire life. And knowing that they are forever apart now, makes me want to run screaming and crying because I don't think I will ever know what that is like. To have my sibling be so integral to my life. To have my sibling know me, in and out, better than anyone else. That frightens and saddens me so much. 

So not only is this a time of heartache, but one of great fear, too. That's a lot to handle at once.

Thankfully, today ended up being better. I have truly and unbelievably wonderful friends who make me really happy. I am so grateful for them, especially now. This has taught me that I can never take that for granted. And it reinforces my belief that we all NEED to be good to one another. Life is way too short to not have love in your heart for each and every person. 

I would give anything to have Cassidy back. But since I can't, the very least I can do is to ensure that she is always remembered, and that I will never take anyone for granted again. I am inspired more than ever to be aware of what truly matters and cherish it dearly. 

A lot left unsaid.

I don't know why it has been so hard for me to come back to this and update on everything. Most importantly, update on my conversation with my brother. It surprisingly went well and a lot better than I had anticipated. The whole experience was exactly what I needed at the time. And for a long time after that everything seemed to be moving toward the direction I was hoping for or at least showed promise in doing so.

Lately, however, I have been having my doubts again. I've just been consistently reminded of how self-centered he truly is, and though he says he is aware of it, I don't think he honestly knows what it means to put others first. He thinks that saying he loves me, and saying he cares, and saying that he will make changes will make all the difference. That's just not enough. And it's not the point.

He's made an effort to have me in his life more, but still makes zero effort to be a part of or to know anything about my life at all. The latter is what matters most in this situation. Showing someone that you love them and care about them is done through taking interest in their life as equally as you make them a part of your own. He has no perception of that and it just makes it seem like our conversation meant nothing and served no purpose for him. I mean, it helped me for a while, which is good, but now I feel like I'm back to where we started and that is infuriating.

I don't see what else I can do and I don't see him honestly doing anything any time soon. I'm just so tired of wasting my time and my love on someone who doesn't actively care about anything but his self-interest.

Maybe I'm asking too much of him at once. But can I really be asking too much if he doesn't even seem to grasp what I'm asking of him, period? I don't think he truly understands what it means to love someone AND be there for them. I don't understand why that is so hard for people to do, because for me it seems like the two go hand-in-hand.

I have made so many sacrifices for him--to support him and in an effort to get time back that we've lost. He has yet to make one for me. He has yet to do anything for me really. He half-asses everything and I'm so done.