A lot left unsaid.

I don't know why it has been so hard for me to come back to this and update on everything. Most importantly, update on my conversation with my brother. It surprisingly went well and a lot better than I had anticipated. The whole experience was exactly what I needed at the time. And for a long time after that everything seemed to be moving toward the direction I was hoping for or at least showed promise in doing so.

Lately, however, I have been having my doubts again. I've just been consistently reminded of how self-centered he truly is, and though he says he is aware of it, I don't think he honestly knows what it means to put others first. He thinks that saying he loves me, and saying he cares, and saying that he will make changes will make all the difference. That's just not enough. And it's not the point.

He's made an effort to have me in his life more, but still makes zero effort to be a part of or to know anything about my life at all. The latter is what matters most in this situation. Showing someone that you love them and care about them is done through taking interest in their life as equally as you make them a part of your own. He has no perception of that and it just makes it seem like our conversation meant nothing and served no purpose for him. I mean, it helped me for a while, which is good, but now I feel like I'm back to where we started and that is infuriating.

I don't see what else I can do and I don't see him honestly doing anything any time soon. I'm just so tired of wasting my time and my love on someone who doesn't actively care about anything but his self-interest.

Maybe I'm asking too much of him at once. But can I really be asking too much if he doesn't even seem to grasp what I'm asking of him, period? I don't think he truly understands what it means to love someone AND be there for them. I don't understand why that is so hard for people to do, because for me it seems like the two go hand-in-hand.

I have made so many sacrifices for him--to support him and in an effort to get time back that we've lost. He has yet to make one for me. He has yet to do anything for me really. He half-asses everything and I'm so done.