2011

I don't know what to expect from this new year.

I just hope that it begins better than 2010 ended.

Here's to hopes.

Define: Success

Success is an honor to be earned. I believe success is truly earned when the sum of a person's efforts and circumstance results in a balance between achievement and personal happiness. A person can work diligently toward a lifetime goal or dream. The work and effort are appreciated and may even result in recognition in the form of a career, award, or grand opportunity. Without the right attitude and without self-happiness, though, I couldn't consider said person successful.

Maybe I romanticize the situation too much, but I just know that I don't look at the CEO of a company, a celebrity, a person with a P.H. D or any other stereotypically ideal career and label them a success automatically. I am sure a lot of work had to be done, a lot of sacrifices had to be made, and a lot of obstacles had to be overcome to get them there, but if they're not happy with their position and as a human being, then they're not a true success in my opinion.

For me to consider my life successful in thirty years I will have to have self-happiness despite my given circumstance-- good, bad, or just not what I wanted initially. I know that life isn't going to happen exactly how I plan or hope--it wouldn't be life if it did--but if life did turn out my way, I'd spend it writing however possible. To be a screenwriter, write for a music magazine, work at a publishing company, or teach would all be ideal. I'd love to be involved making the experiences for others like the ones I have and grow from whenever I watch, listen, or read.

I wish.

I wish I could be like this dude. It seems extremely odd, but I really do. To just let loose, feel free, move to the music and the beat of your soul without any hesitation. To have assurance in and of yourself. Having simply that would mean the world to me. Even more so when it inspires and ignites a similar feeling in others. Truly amazing.

Girl, Intervention.

Ironically enough, some of my biggest fears came true today. It's really strange considering I was writing about tribulations just yesterday. I feel like my world is crumbling. Three of my best friends gave me and one of our friends an intervention tonight.

I've never felt more emotionally unstable in my life. And I've never had people be upset with me for being an emotional person. Especially not my friends, especially not my best friend. I've never had someone essentially tell me that we can't get along and that she won't want to be around me if I'm so emotional. I've never had someone look down on me for caring, for being hurt. Not until tonight. Not until tonight have I ever felt like I have to pretend my personality isn't there and pretend everything is okay and be happy and bubbly for my friends to be able to tolerate my presence.

These are the people I love. These are the people that I would lay my life down for. These are the people that I am terrified of being separated from after school.

I've never had a friend insinuate such negative attributes of myself- one who looked me straight in the eyes as I cried and poured my heart out and only had a cold, emotionless, blank expression to express in return. This is my best friend. She's supposed to be my best friend.

Everything is different. School is different. Drama is different. My friends are different. My best friend is different. And I am still the same, only more broken.

I don't know where to go from here. I'm a ship with no sail. Defeated, lost, desperate.

I want to not react this way, with hopelessness and despair. I want to react with determination and desire to make this into a positive thing, to make this into something that changes everything but for the better. I want happiness without the hidden pain. Even numbness would be satisfactory at this moment. Maybe if I didn't feel anything at all, then I could make my friends and the people around me happier. Maybe I just need to live a lie like everyone else.

Tribulations.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm scared of basically everything. More concisely, I'm paranoid. It's probably the most frustrating trait I have about myself. I'm tired of calculating everyone's actions and words, trying to solve a mystery or something. Trying to find truth. But most of the time I just see either what I want to see or what I'm most afraid of seeing. I don't know what to believe or trust in anymore when it comes to people. I don't know which of the cherished moments I have with them are genuine or not, or if any of them are really.

I think all of this stems from insecurity. I hate insecurity. I hate the shameful act of belittling myself, but anything is better than others doing so to you. Maybe that's what insecurity is-- a defense mechanism, if we scold ourselves then maybe when other criticize and judge it won't hurt as badly. However, that defense is bullshit. But for some reason we get pulled into, at least I do.

And I always tell myself, 'you're being ridiculous, no one hates you.' Which may be true. But what scares me the most is that I'm not being ridiculous and everyone does hate me, or at least doesn't think as nicely as I wish.

I just feel like I'm in a constant battle to prove something. To myself, my family, my friends, my peers, teachers, even strangers. I want to impress upon them something positive, to make them happy. I think that maybe if I can make others happy then that happiness will fill me, too. Unfortunately I'm constantly unsatisfied and I don't know what to do about it. I guess it's because I fear that all that I do have might be a lie, and then what?

But what's the worst part is that I feel like I'm always reaching out. And I rarely feel like I get anything in return. I don't want that to seem selfish. But when you love and care for people and they don't show you that they feel the same way, it hurts. Especially when its your friends and family. I mean, deep down you know that they love you, but being able to prove your love and being able to experience someone else's, and be able to share love between one another, that is something irreplaceable. Nothing feels better then the satisfaction and assurance that you are loved. Wanted. Appreciated. Accepted.

What makes matters worse is that I feel like, in order to loved, wanted, appreciated, and accepted, that I have to forsake or hide my true emotions, thoughts, or opinions on something, simply because it isn't what 'everyone else thinks' because it goes against the norm. Or maybe it doesn't even have to be going against the norm, but I'm just the only one willing to speak it out loud and with purpose.

But sometimes, whether a significant issue or not, I get shot down for my opinion. I get yelled at. I get lectured. I suppose this nor really any of what I have been talking about is specifically with me. I know it happens with everyone, but it still has a large impact on me. Especially when it comes to the issue, well, debate of religion. That one always seems to get me bitten in the ass. My mom doesn't get it. Most of my classmates don't get it. It's difficult when something that makes up and is a such a large part of who you are and the type of person that you are is something that frustrates and disappoints your friends and family. It's one thing if a stranger or acquaintance disapproves your views, but its whole other issue when the ones who disapprove are the ones who are supposed to love and accept you the most.

I don't know, I was really dedicated to this post for a while and now thinking about all of this is making me exhausted. I will undoubtedly continue into similar rantings very soon, though. I feel like this stuff is going to be on my mind for a while, unfortunately.

Quick Ponders

Exhaustion. That basically sums up the state that I have been in for the past week. I feel so bland lately, listless. I don't know which is worse simply being indifferent or being upset. I'm thankful for not being upset right now, but I'd much rather be happy, excited, something more.

So....I really shouldn't have started this right now. Awful timing because it's getting late. No one reads this anyway so it shouldn't matter. But I might edit this later. Might in this case meaning that I'm attempting to be polite and casual when I know by a 99.9 percentage that I won't edit it this and just make an entirely new post. So cheers to wasting time writing this. Cheers to desperate hopes for a better most next time.

Goodnight

,C

Drafts, ideas... they're awful, I know.

A: Why did you do it? What was the point?

B: (In disbelief and frustration) Why? Because I was compelled to...because if I hadn't I was going to explode and that would only pose more problems, am I right? (laughs sarcastically) And the point? Well, jesus, what could possibly be the point in telling the truth? Worthless thing that honesty.

One person. Four or five others surrounding. Each have their own individual light. Each 'background' person represents a specific person in the lead's life. Someone that had effected the lead, someone who involved in one of the four/five meaningful moments in their life. Monologue explains current state. Conversational excerpt from a 'climax' portion of the play with each background person. Another short monologue. Shift into actual production.

Drama speech.....

I don't know if I'll be able to get through this, but here it goes...personally, my senior year has been really up and down. So much is happening and changing this year, especially with so many firsts and a lot of lasts this year so far. But the one thing, I'm really grateful for is that drama is a constant. I mean, yeah eventually I will graduate and move on and all that scary stuff, but I know that the memories and connections that I have made with everyone here will never leave me, and my family in THS drama will never change, except for getting larger and closer after tonight and throughout the musical. To the freshman: You have impressed me so much throughout this show. You came into drama, as some of you said yesterday, "not knowing what you are doing" and you all have clearly shown otherwise. It's amazing how you are so dedicated and hardworking and that's so comforting and a relief because it's always a worry whether or not people especially, the freshmen with the least experience, will step up and you truly have. I had a really nice conversation with a couple of you last night before the show and I hope there are many more of those to come. So all of you come back for the musical! Sophomores and Juniors: All of you are simply amazing and that basically says it all. You have so much spirit and it shows on and off stage. I've especially become close to Rowan and Kaleb throughout this show. It's about time Kaleb joined drama again, and I'm so happy he did because he makes me laugh all the time and it's just great. And I really missed Rowan last year during that non-existent musical. And I'm so glad she's back. And of course to my Cappies girls, you are the best and I can't wait for the next show so we can have more insane car rides. Seniors: For right now, all I'm gonna say is I love you all because if I say anymore, I'll break down. But, Aaron and Louanne I'm so happy that you are apart of the drama family, you both rock and better be coming back for the musical. And as some of you know I was really upset after the show last night over something, which by the way worked itself out, but I just want to say thank you to all of you who were comforting me and trying to cheer me up. I can't put it into words how good it made me feel to know that you all were there so, once again thank you and I love you all. Directors, you mean the world to us and thank you for keeping us in line as well as looking out for us and holding our family together. So yeah, everyone good luck tonight and let's make this our best performance yet!

A long time, a lot of changes.

As per usual, there is a large gap between my last blog and this one. For a while a couple months ago, I used tumblr.com. With everything that's been happening lately and (unsurprisingly) changing, I decided why not adding another change to the mix.

It's funny, as I went to write, one of my favorite songs ("Here (In Your Arms" by Hellogoodbye) came on Pandora. Ironically enough, it is a song reflective of my past and fits my mood rather perfectly at the moment. I miss how everything used to be, how everything was last year. Nothing is the same anymore and it's upsetting.

It's senior year, 2010-2011. Senior year is supposed to be a time of excitement, relief, hope, celebration and all I feel right now is nostalgia, fear/worry, and separation. I rarely see or spend time with those I became so close with in the previous school year. I formed bonds with people I never would have expected, and I cherished each and every one of those bonds dearly. However, now they're slipping away or not even there anymore.

My best friend, with whom I rarely talk . The classmates that I've been in almost every class with for the past six five years, I never see. It's disheartening, especially considering this is the last year I will spend with these people for a long time or even the rest of my life. It doesn't help that my family and I aren't very close, so I don't even have that to fall back on and lean on.

The people that kept me grounded last year, mean the world to me, and they're the two of whom I see the least. It had been a very long time since I had felt as connected with and close to people as I did with them, even more so, because of everything I was dealing with at the time with family and other friends. Now, I feel protective and paranoid about almost everything and it's extremely stressful.

I guess I'm just trying to find a way to balance everything and am miserably drowning in that effort. Just like I'm drowning in my effort to get all I'm feeling out right now. I try another attempt later, I suppose.