Big Chocolate.

Today was better than I ever could have expected. Reminds me that patience and hope sometimes pay off. I haven't been able to just let go and purely enjoy myself in sooo long. Really happy I was able to do so tonight. Definitely a lot of memories made today. I haven't felt this good in a long time, I hope it lasts.

Going, going, going.

I can't stop thinking about everything, all the time, everywhere. Nothing seems to be able to turn off my mind lately. I love it and hate it all at the same time.

It's time.

I have to give up and let go. At least with this one thing. I can't hold on so tightly to an uncertainty.

"The Son." The daughter, the sister, the lonely.

I finished watching "The Son" episode of Friday Night Lights and it stirred up something that has be floating through my mind the last couple of weeks/month or so. It brought up the irrefutable fact that everyone in my family grieves and suffers alone. We don't hold each other or talk in a time of need. We don't sit, we don't listen. We don't write. We don't do anything.

No one talked to be about Grandpa's death really. No one held me either. No one in this family has ever done that, period. I think that is what makes any sadness I feel so unbearable, the fact that I essentially have to face it alone, because no one in this family knows how to be emotionally and physically supportive comforting at all. We each just crawl into our own little corners and deal with our troubles by ourselves.

It's one thing if they don't wish to expose their own emotions and struggles and pain, because that is their choice to make. But I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt for them not to reach out to me through my struggles and my pain.

We feel so much and never want to show it. All I want is for us to connect and be there for one another. And so I spill my heart and soul out, trying to make us a family and give our relationships meaning, but no one puts in that same effort.

We're not a family. And I'm tired of dealing with everything by myself. I have wonderful friends, but with family things, only family can understand and yet mine doesn't and doesn't even want to, either.

I feel like the lack of affection expressed between me and my family is a large reason why I feel such a strong need to be close to everyone and for someone to be by my side through it all.

I want so badly for someone to hold me and one of my greatest fears is that no one will ever want to.

New Goal

I will lose 20 pounds by Lollapalooza.

I need to do this. And I don't care how it happens, but it just has to.