Trusting my instincts.

My insticnt told me that I could trust him, told me that he was a rare and good person. It told me that we were good friends, that we understood each other, we shared common interest, common belief and emotion. My insticnt told me that we would always be good to one another.

That insticnt was tested, and I'm sorry to say that I doubted it. But now, I know that what I believed him to be was true and real. And that's really all that matters. I'm glad to know that the person I thought he was, is who he is. I'm glad to know I can still trust him and that that one comfort to me hasn't changed.

Why is this important to me? Because my belief in people is all I really have. My belief in their goodness, honesty, and integrity means the world to me. Character is all we have. And I never what to think someone to be something that they're not, especially unjustly. And even more especially when they are someone I care about. The people that tried to make me doubt and judge, I am now wary of.

My lesson through all of this has been that sometimes it's not about finding the truth, but more so my truth. The truth gets blurred with others' beliefs and interpretations too often. I'm not really sure how to explain it, but I feel very relieved knowing that I wasn't wrong. That seems arrogant, but after everything I went through, doubting myself so greatly again would be awful.

Late night blurbs.

I'm surprised I didn't discuss orientation since arriving home from it. Definitely an interesting experience. It was something I was very nervous about, but surprisingly it did make me feel more confident about next year and just my college future in general. I'm hoping that making friends and moving on won't be as difficult as I originally thought. And I think for the first time, while I was there, I realized that from this point on I can be whoever I want to be. I can pull a clean slate. All those little things about myself that I always wished I could change. I can change that. I can be more open, less open. Make jokes more often, do whatever. These 'new' people won't know the difference. I mean, of course I'm not going to change the things that matter, but the freedom to do so is rather liberating. I'm not stuck in a certain reputation, impression, stereotype. Hopefully, I can make the most of this great opportunity and not take it for granted or ruin it.

With that, I'd like to say that I don't think I'm going to try and figure out 'the situation' anymore. It's not worth my focus. Yes, I would like to know the truth and what truly happened, so then I can know what exactly I did wrong and I can finally heal from the pain it all caused me, but no matter what I know and don't know, I was hurt and it sucked and now that is over. All I can do now is live my life. I need to stop trying to control my life and just live it. So, if friendships are rekindled, great! If not, that's great, too. Plotting my next move, debating over what to say and not say, and all that other crap I tried to do to get a desired outcome, I can't and shouldn't do anymore. I just need to let fate take it's course and let what is meant to happen, happen. That's all any of us can do really-- just let our destined journey unfold.

I mean, when it comes down to it all I want is dear friends, accomplish and worthwhile career, and be content. If I have those three basic things, I think my life will turn out alright. I think I'll be alright.

Another epiphany. And what to do with it.

My epiphanies seem to come to me with perfect timing. Since my previous entry a lot of light has been shared on said issue. Maybe everything that she did wasn't all her fault, it wasn't all on her own accord. And maybe the one person that I trusted to be on my side wasn't, at least not as much as I thought. Now what does this new information mean? Does it mean that it is more acceptable and easier for me to forgive? I think so. Does it really change the effect that the whole situation had on me? Somewhat, but not necessarily for the better. The past is still the past and this doesn't really change that. It just makes it more detailed. But really, what is effected now is the future. I could potentially make amends. Finally recover from the situation and rekindle a friendship.

Is that the point, though? Is that what I really want? And would it be worth it? Those answers, I do not know. That's what I need to figure out. The 'how' to figure that out is a hazy part of the equation as well. I'm not really sure where to go from here. I want to make peace, I want to move on from this, and not have this weighing over my head and heart. I just don't know how to go about doing that and what the outcome will be.

The one thing I do know is that I'm glad I know more of the truth. Not knowing what happened was probably one of the worst parts. But now there are more things that I do not know. This whole thing is very confusing.

I did make an effort yesterday, and a small one at that. So small that I don't think she knew it was an effort. Upon Mat's, suggestion I texted her with a simple greeting. Thus far, I have not had a reply. Maybe she doesn't want to be friends despite what I was told, maybe there is something I am still missing, I don't know. I would just like a resolution. And a happy one. One that I can be comfortable with. I probably want too much.

On the drive home.

So I tend to do a lot of thinking throughout the day, more than a person probably should, but last night (Thursday night) was slightly different. On my way home for CYPT practice, I was reflecting on a part of the book I've been reading, It's Easier than You Think by Sylvia Boorstein. It spoke of this elderly woman who was angry so much and for so long that it became an auto-pilot reaction/emotion for her. She then explains that in a lesson the Buddha teaches that when one focuses on how they have been mistreated or embarrassed they only trap themselves in their hatred. A simile is used, saying that it's like being in a cell with the key and locking ourselves in and then throwing the key across the room. It's only when we move on from and abandon those negative thoughts that we are able to be loving. "Forgiveness is the price you pay for freedom."

These ideas intrigued me when I first read them a few days ago, but they I wasn't able to understand them completely nor apply them to myself until Thursday night, while driving home. I realized that my bitterness, anger, resentment, and hurt that I feel because of her and everything that happened this past year is holding me back. I've been trying so hard to remind myself of what she did so that I didn't forgive her, so that I didn't give in, didn't seem weak, didn't let her win. But I realized that it's not about me standing my ground and proving to her that she was wrong/punishing her for what she did to me. It's about getting freedom for myself. The only thing that keeping my anger is doing is prolonging the pain. Forgiving her and letting go isn't surrendering, it's overcoming. It means that I can finally put this in my past. I don't have to analyze and question and doubt. It means that I am able to be loving again. Because otherwise, I would be as bad as her, letting selfishness and anger control me.

I feel as though I didn't do my epiphany justice with this explanation, but it's hard to find the right words to describe the thoughts and emotions that came to me with this realization. All I can say is that it gave me some relief from something that has been weighing me down for months now.

The world just wasn't big enough to contain her...

So I just watched Sylvia the other night. I still have not decided my final opinion about the film, but I must say that Gwyneth Paltrow does a superb job of personifying Sylvia. Her mannerisms, voice, glances, expressions. I guess you could say that she exposed herself well, letting you see into her character--the same way that Sylvia Plath does with her poetry and writing. A truly exquisite performance. Daniel Craig is in the movie, but I could do without him. However, I'm not a fair judge for his performance, since I only know a little about Ted Hughes. Their relationship, was portrayed very well. I just wish that the film wouldn't have focused so much on it. There was so much more to Sylvia and her life than Ted. She had so many more struggles than with Ted. The film did show some of her problems with her writing, but not nearly as much as I think they should have. The incorporation of her writing was very well done, both moving and poignant.

I will be even more so interested to see The Bell Jar with Julia Stiles after this and see how much of Esther will portray Sylvia, considering the character is based off of Sylvia. Seeing the movie, in a way, made me fall in love with Plath all over again. It added a visual aspect to her personally, that hasn't been that strong before, considering there is not a lot of video footage or pictures. Mostly what I/we see of Sylvia is through her poetry and prose. Which, though those are both beautifully raw, deep, honest, fully exposed, it's nice to see that different side of her, even when it's only an interpretation of her.

I'd love to be able to turn emotion into words and imagery the way that she does. I'd love to write or film a movie the way that this one was. There are so many things that I want and I wish I could view the end of the tunnel just enough to know if any of that is possible. Like Sylvia, I have my doubts and, though I don't plan on letting security or even failure eat away at me the way she did, it is definitely something that I have in mind and worry about.

New interests. AKA Obsessions.

Instagram being the first.

I am in love with this website. It's such a great way to share and view intriguing and relevant photography. From vast landscapes, to quotes, to a cup on a table, nothing is off limits and I love it. It's making me fall in love with photography all over again and makes me want to take pictures again. And more thoughtful and artsy ones at that.

Blogging being the second.

I used to blog just in phases. Whenever I had a lot on my mind, when I was really upset, or whenever I have an epiphany of some sort. Now, I am finding it easier and more enjoyable to translate some of my everyday thoughts and feelings to words. It's a bit strange writing all of this for no one, but myself. But it's kinda comforting in the same sense. I think it would be very stressful for me to write, knowing others would be reading it. It'd make me self-conscious about what I say instead of just letting it all out, which is the entire point of this in the first place.

Mischief Managed.

Just a few more thoughts before sleep and to kick off July 15. Harry Potter was simply incredible. A piece of my life as found its ending. But unlike the story, my life goes on. It's strange when pieces of our lives are with us for so long and then all of the sudden we take different paths. I mean, the ending of Harry Potter leaves room for something new to begin. But I just don't think anything will match nor surpass the wonder and influence of the Harry Potter saga. Though, I'm sure that's what everyone said about the Star Wars series. I still think this is very different from Star Wars considering it all began with the books. Books are a whole different experience.

I just wonder where we all go from here.

Side note: "Skyscraper" by Demi Lovato is exquisite. (I had to throw that in somewhere, considering its been on repeat on my iTunes for almost two days now.)

Continuation of Yesterday's thoughts.

I've been talking with my mother a lot lately. And no, not about what to have for dinner or what we think will happen next on the Young and the Restless, but about life. Sometimes mine, sometimes hers. But a lot about Matt's.

I think I have some really good ideas for him. He just seems stuck. He needs to make money to get out of debt and to provide for himself, but he needs to fulfill his dreams, too. He needs to be doing something that he's truly good at and is passionate about, as well. That's something he has struggled with for a while, but I think he's realizing that he's getting older and there are stepping stones in life that he hasn't traveled yet and I think that scares him. Hell, that would scare anyone. I know, in some ways, I feel the same way, just with slightly more insignificant things/experiences.

By looking at possibilities for his future, I kinda found some for myself. And even one for the both of us. Most importantly, though, Matt needs to get his music out to the world. There is too much talent, insight, and passion in his music for it not to be shared. I've been plotting different outlets and possibilities for him to get it out there, Facebook, last.fm, YouTube, Tumblr, Twitter even. He just needs to get one thing out there and just spread it everywhere. No matter what he pursues as a financial career, his music deserves to be noticed as well. He told mom that he wants to write. Possibly a book, or for a magazine, review music or something along those lines. I think that's admirable, but I have doubts. I don't know if he's open-minded enough with music to be able to fairly review it. I think if he were to do that, then he'd have to work for a specific employer, and focus on certain genres of music to review. As far as the book goes, if he can't even sit still to read a book, I don't know how he would write one. And to be perfectly honest, the petty little girl in me wouldn't want him to because writing has been my thing. My dream. That's what I'M good at. The one thing I have and I wouldn't want him stealing that light from me, too.

I know that's silly, but it's true. I'm the writer. He's the musician. That's how it's always been, and that's one thing that I've always liked. And to be honest, once again, I'd be afraid that he'd be a better writer than me and then what talent would I have to be proud of, then? Nothing. I'm not good at anything else. Matt's good at so many things, nearly everything he does. He can have anything, but writing. That's mine.

Anyways, back to the point. The only problem for him with the writing idea, is that he'd need an English or journalism degree. My suggestion would be for him to go into PR or marketing through his business degree. And then if he were ever to establish himself, he could go from there with writing and music.

My other idea that randomly sparked in my head while rattling off all these different possibilities to my mom was to start a local magazine for film and music with my brother. That or some sort of music/bookstore. Like some sort of cross between Shake It and Half Price Books. I think it has the potential to work. Between his degree, my knowledge of films and if I get a degree in journalism or something of the sort. Plus the added PR of us being siblings.

Somehow all these ideas came to me and I don't know from where. Mom doesn't want me to get my hopes up for Matt to be enthusiastic or accepting of my ideas. And honestly, when she said that I understood why, but I just didn't feel anything. I mean, I still want love and acceptance from him, but I think that after everything that I went through with Sammy and after Europe and the failure of a 'welcome home' dinner, I've found a way a level of apathy that allows me to not be hurt, or as hurt. I don't know if that is a good thing or not, but it hasn't proved to me either yet. But I'd say more good than harm.

I just can't let myself live for others anymore. I have to live for myself. If I don't have the confidence then I don't think I will be going very far in life. I think that's my brother's problem. Despite his appearance of an ego, I think he is extremely insecure and self-critical.

The one thing that continues to perturb me is that I know I could really be there for him and really understand. But that require him to let me and we all know that that is an unlikely outcome.

Maybe someday.

A teeny, but kinda immense update.

Won 'Best Female Critic' at Cappies. Graduated high school. Hung out with Taylor once again. Lots and lots of grad parties. Europe for 12 days. New and complicated/silly crush. Crew chief for CYPT's Crazy for You. Weird sense of adulthood ignited. Fear of future still present and even more explicit and creative with its antics.

I want to travel. To write. To help my family. To bring us all together. I want mom's stress and worry to go away. Matt needs to figure out what to do with his life. He needs to find happiness. He doesn't need to have the misery that dad had. I want to be there for him and I think I have a solution, or at least a way for him to pursue is true passion. Even if it may not lead to a paying career, it would at least be an outlet that would keep him pleasingly occupied through all of life's bullshit and bad deals. I don't think anyone really respects my opinion enough, yet to actually listen to me and hear my advice. Least of all being, Matt.

When it comes down to it, I just want to be the thing in the world that others need. I want to be the thing to others, that I want them to be for me. I guess that's so mutated form of paying it forward?

I've been back in my writing, producing, managing, directing sort of state of mind for my future. I can never seem to find one track and just stick to it. Stage managing isn't going to cut it for me, I don't think. I need something practical for life. But, I hate practical. I want the movies. Hell, I'd even settle for TV. I know in my heart that's what I really want. I'm just afraid that like, my brother and my dad, that dream is never gonna come. Or at least it's going to come too late.

I don't want to get stuck in life. I want to pursue it. Make as much out of life's possibilities as I can. I want to dream to the fullest, but reality seems to have a way and seeping my confidence in my dreams and goals out of the picture.

The future is all I think about lately. And with that, my past peaks through a lot, too. I don't think I'll ever fully recover from the shitty events that started the end. I wish I knew what was my fault and what wasn't. It'd make things a lot easier to deal with.

Maybe that's why I'm trying to focus on others so much. Because I feel like others don't focus on me. Like most posts, I have no clue where this is going. I guess this serves as an accurate representation of what goes on in my scattered brain.

I digress. I'm leaving to purchase and iPod touch. Something I can control.