On the drive home.

So I tend to do a lot of thinking throughout the day, more than a person probably should, but last night (Thursday night) was slightly different. On my way home for CYPT practice, I was reflecting on a part of the book I've been reading, It's Easier than You Think by Sylvia Boorstein. It spoke of this elderly woman who was angry so much and for so long that it became an auto-pilot reaction/emotion for her. She then explains that in a lesson the Buddha teaches that when one focuses on how they have been mistreated or embarrassed they only trap themselves in their hatred. A simile is used, saying that it's like being in a cell with the key and locking ourselves in and then throwing the key across the room. It's only when we move on from and abandon those negative thoughts that we are able to be loving. "Forgiveness is the price you pay for freedom."

These ideas intrigued me when I first read them a few days ago, but they I wasn't able to understand them completely nor apply them to myself until Thursday night, while driving home. I realized that my bitterness, anger, resentment, and hurt that I feel because of her and everything that happened this past year is holding me back. I've been trying so hard to remind myself of what she did so that I didn't forgive her, so that I didn't give in, didn't seem weak, didn't let her win. But I realized that it's not about me standing my ground and proving to her that she was wrong/punishing her for what she did to me. It's about getting freedom for myself. The only thing that keeping my anger is doing is prolonging the pain. Forgiving her and letting go isn't surrendering, it's overcoming. It means that I can finally put this in my past. I don't have to analyze and question and doubt. It means that I am able to be loving again. Because otherwise, I would be as bad as her, letting selfishness and anger control me.

I feel as though I didn't do my epiphany justice with this explanation, but it's hard to find the right words to describe the thoughts and emotions that came to me with this realization. All I can say is that it gave me some relief from something that has been weighing me down for months now.