Too many tears and tears.

I know I'm an emotional person and I don't think it's a secret whatsoever. I've accepted it and even embrace it in some respects, but sometimes it honestly scares me and worries me. The tiniest of things can just hit me in a such a way that so many levels of emotions burst out of me at once in reaction. It doesn't seem like I have much control over it, either. It just seems to happen.

It sucks because I know in my mind that I have reasons, and good ones for feeling the way that I do. I just can never seem to be able to explain my reasoning. It always comes off like I'm super sensitive and overreacting all the time, but there is validity to why I feel the way that I do and I know it's not unreasonable.

But instead, I'm being told "stop being so hard on people","let it go", "forgive people", blahblahblah. Essentially, I am told that I am the problem. That I need to change. Why am I made out to be the unreasonable one all the time? Why can't anyone just take me seriously for how I think and feel and not try to fix me like I'm the one that has the issue? Yeah, I have issues, but they're because of the people that are  constantly saying these things to me. So maybe, and call me crazy, but maybe it would be easier for me to change if you put forth an equal effort. But that doesn't happen, ever, so why should I always be the one who actually tries?

I don't like hurting my mother. I don't like making her feel guilty. But I also can't just stay silent all the time and pretend like the things my "family" does and doesn't do has no effect on me. I just don't think they realize that if things don't change, I don't plan on being around and involving myself in their lives anymore. I need to nurture my spirit not tear it apart or let it be torn apart.

The longer this is like this, the easier it will be to give up and move on. I'm just not putting up with this anymore. I mean, no matter what there will be a hole in me, but the deeper the negative the greater the positive.

When it comes to this topic and situation, I feel like it will always sound like I'm whining or ungrateful, but seriously there aren't words to describe how much I am eaten up by all of this and I can't stand it anymore. And I know that me being upset eats up my family so why not just end the cycle and let go of it all? That's not what I want, but I feel like it's the only option that will be left if this continues to be the only path.

NYFA

I finally got the reassurance I've been looking for to help me see that my "dream" is a possibility as long as I am willing to put forth my all and truly devote myself to it.

I am so grateful to be able to encounter the people I have in my life and I feel lucky in the fact that they have felt encouraged to reach out to me and to see something worthwhile in me and what I do and want to do.

A piece of my future was handed to me today, I believe, and I plan to make the most of it. Something ignited in me today, something I haven't felt confident in lately and I'm grateful. My passion and my drive is here and now I need to practice patience and trust that I can make my life into what I want it to be and that I can accomplish what I desire.

Thank you, Charlie, for giving me that hope today and humbling me with your kindness and generosity.

Holy Howl

I am so indescribably moved by the film Howl. Certainly some of the best 84 minutes I've ever spent.
There's such a fluidity and honesty and artfulness to it. Probably the first time I have ever seen a film be able to bring a poet and poetry in general alive. The imagery and the composition of the script is beautiful. I found myself crying just from the sheer feeling and emotion it brought to me.

This is exactly why I want to make films--why I need to make films. That's the only way I would know how to truly express myself. I'm not good with words. I'm visual and I can't wait to finally be able to explore that.

That's a goal for after Furbelow. I must truly devote time to that art. I really do need that for my own well-being and sake of exploration.

Feeling inspired is good.

Down right now.

Why am I so utterly insignificant to people? Why am I so utterly insignificant to myself?

What should I do? I'm at a loss here. I don't know.

I give. They take.

Sometimes it really sucks giving your all for people and realizing that they probably and usually don't do the same for you. I make a lot of sacrifices for people and go out of my way to help them a lot and  yet I need one favor and that is too much for them. It goes back to the fact that I feel like I will end up and always have ended up having to handle everything on my own, by myself, alone. As always.

I know I will never stop helping people when they need it. I will always put others before myself and  that may sound boastful, but it's just a habit I can't seem to break, to a fault really. And I like being there for people and being able to give and provide and find a way to ease their stress, struggle, or to make them happy. But I don't think it's outrageous for me to like to have the same in return every once in a while.

I'm really stuck right now and I'd appreciate if my friends could come through for me. I have a feeling, though, that this will be yet another time where I have to fix everything on my own.

My mental-emotional rhythms lately:

A crack.

It's kinda strange how so much can be going on and nothing can be going on in my life in the same time. My days are filled with duties and responsibilities. I make it through and I do the best I can. The whole time though I'm thinking about so much of what I the future to hold and about everything I hope to accomplish and do. I have ideas and I want to create them.

I'm really alone lately, but for the most part I've been okay with that for once. I'm in the mood a lot to just be in my own world and head, so I guess it's a good thing. The only problem has been that if I have to deal with people outside that world, my family mostly, I crack under pressure, frustration, something. I wish I wanted them to be a part of my life. I mean, ideally I do. But I know it would never work unless they actually payed attention and cared about anything but themselves for once. If they actually knew how to be there for me. I just wish they knew the meaning of things instead of just..things.

A conversation in philosophy class basically shattered me. I had thought about it all before, but the way that Miller discussed it all, I just saw things differently than I have until now. Or maybe not seen it differently, but actually believed in and accepted it instead of just thinking about it as speculation. Divorce was the topic. He mentioned how kids that watch their parents divorce are intensely affected by it, even it they don't know it. And I've heard that statement/idea before and I've thought about it before, but for some reason when he said it I felt like he was talking to me and it just hit me: how have I been affected? How badly?

I've always said it was the right thing. That it needed to happen and that if it didn't happen, Matt and I and mom and dad would be worse off. And I still believe that. But I also think that maybe I will never be able to love someone as a partner because I've never known that affection. I never saw my parents with it, so isn't it impossible that I'll ever be able to know? And I find myself being bitter that they affected me in this way; I am forced into acting and feeling and living a certain way because of it. At least, I don't know how to break free of it.

I mean, I don't trust my family's love, so how can I trust anyone's? I have a feeling that the closest thing I'll have to mutual love and nurturing will be through my relationship with film and art, as strange as that may sound. Nothing else has given as much as, if not more than, what it takes from me.

My birthday is coming up and it just reminds me that it's been yet another year of nothing changing as far as my family is concerned. We are so far apart and I don't ever see us getting closer. I'm giving up hope with that.

I'm not sure where this is going or why this is going. I just finally needed to get some of this out--purge myself some so I can focus on my homework, responsibilities, etc.