The Irony of People.

It's kinda strange how the more people I meet here at school, the more social events I attend, the more I make an effort to spend time with other people here, the more I feel alone. The more I feel unaccepted. Unwanted. Misunderstood. I feel like a side thought. Some people make friends so instantaneously and I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I'm a friendly person, fairly funny, easy to get along with, intelligent, understanding, honest. And yet, no one seems to notice my existence without an introduction. And even once I have that, they forget all about me.

Consistently, I get the question: "Why don't you talk more?" or "Why don't you talk to people?" or "Why are you so quiet?"

And all I want to say is, what is wrong with being quiet? What is wrong with silence? Silence can be a beautiful thing. Why can't a person walk with a group of people and be silent for a few moments, why must every single person be making conversation with another person for that person to be socializing? Part of socializing is listening. I listen to people. That's how I get to know them, to understand them. I'm perfectly content with that. And if I have something to say I will say it, but I don't just constantly try and think of things to say, simply to make conversation. I speak with purpose. And the funny thing is, I get ask why I don't talk more, but half the time when I do, no one listens.

I can't win.

I mean, I know that boisterous and witty and lively people are fun to be around. They make you happy and make situations and events fun just by being there. They're energy and personality permeates to anyone and everything in its environment, and sometimes I can be that person, but not all the time. And I'm not going to change who I am, just to make friends. I just wish someone here would accept me for that and reach out and understand.

I want to show people I have my 'fun' and lively side in me, too. But I never really get the chance and that's difficult for me to deal with right now.

Letting go of expectations.

This is the biggest struggle I have in my life, I think. Whether the expectations I am trying to adhere to are my own or someone else's or society's, I just need to let them go. I focus so much on making sure I obtain my goal, that I do as I expect myself to do, as I believe others expect me to do. There is nothing wrong with wanting to impress or succeed. Sometimes expectations can be great, especially when they are exceeded. But they are so stressful, incredibly stifling. That's the best word I can use to describe it--stifling.

I feel as though I'm forcing myself to be something that I'm not, or that I'm not meant to be by trying to meet this expectations. I think that what I need to do is to accept the fact that all I have control over is the current moment. I have no control whatsoever over the results. All I can do is my best. All I can do is stay true to myself. All I can do is put in my best effort. All I can do is live. And I need to stop weighing myself down with worrying that things won't go the way I plan, the way that I expect them to.

I need to let go and just let fate and life take its course. Whatever part I have in that, I don't know, but I do have a part. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

In response to myself...

I just looked back at my most recent post before this one and read it over again. I really do hate how I sound when I get in those moods. I feel like when I write stuff like that that I come off as weak and selfish and just plain whiny sometimes. It's just a very frustrating situation. Frustrating and conflicting.

I have done so well the past couple of months to turn my attitude and mind set around. To keep it positive and my mood and disposition peaceful. I have handled things as need be, with a rational and level head. I feel as though I have made a lot of improvement in controlling and handling my emotions and making sure they don't run away with all my crazy thoughts. But sometimes there's just some random stupid shit that happens that just makes it really difficult to keep those things up. Even something tragic and heartbreaking would be easier to deal with in a sense than just stupid, insignificant...shit. I attempt to create and peaceful and personally functional lifestyle for myself. And then meanwhile, the outside world is stuck in immaturity, selfishness, and frivolity. People are really the main distraction for me. And when those people who are ruining your environment are some of your close friends, well, that right there is very hard to deal with.

I don't know. I'm rambling and I'm tired and emotional and probably the best thing for me is sleep right now and not documentation of my thoughts. Adieu.

In a funk.

It seems like every streak of optimism I have has some sort of downside with it. I feel on the verge of a funk. I'm happy with school and I think everything that is happening is happening for a reason and so far it has all given me a reason to be hopeful. Just everything with my friends seems to be a mess right now. It's like, if I don't make the effort to stay in touch, no one talks to me. It makes me wonder if my friends even think of me at all, or miss me at all.

I feel really lonely, I guess. But I mean, it's not the same as when I would get lonely before. At least now I have my own goals to focus on and my own path to keep me from dwelling and getting depressed, but I really do miss people. I miss my Grandpa. I miss my mom and my brother. I miss my teachers, my best friends. I miss the people I grew up with, the people that know me. It's comforting having people around you that know who you are, the type of person and your personality. I just feel like I don't have that anymore. I think that's part of what makes my rekindled friendship so special to me. Because I know that she knows me. I don't have the pressure of needing to socialize or make a good impression. I can just be myself.

I do have the pressure on me right now, though, to stay focused, keep up with my studies, make sure I stay on the right direction to where I want to go and perform well. These acting and math classes make me nervous. I'm trying not to stress out, but it's difficult. I just want to keep my emotions in tact and prevent any potential break downs as much as possible. I really need movies and music and my readings to keep me grounded.