P.E.A.C.E.

I've been trying to figure out how to handle and go about my impending talk with my brother. I keep going over possible ways of saying what I feel and think and debating on what to bring up and discuss in the first place. I don't know what is most important and relevant in order to keep it as peaceable as possible. I finally turned to one of my books from philosophy class for guidance and I was reminded of the P.E.A.C.E process. (Problem. Emotions. Analysis. Contemplation. Equilibrium.). I actually realized that I have been doing each of these things while trying to figure out this whole situation. However, I've been going from one to the other in an unorganized and somewhat chaotic and sporadic manner and so I thought writing out my thought process for each might help me make sense of things as it so often does for me with other aspects of my life.

Problem:
My brother and I have no unification as siblings. We live our lives completely separate of one another and always have. This separation has resulted in a disconnect and distance between the two of us that makes us akin to strangers in many ways. We love one another, yet don't practice it. I don't think we know how to.//For Matt, I don't think he even sees a problem, which is part of the problem in my eyes. He thinks everything is fine when I feel like there's nothing there. It hurts that he seems satisfied with our relationship or lack thereof.

Emotions:
This problem has affected me and been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I've felt abandoned and unwanted. Mostly not good enough. It makes be sad and angry all at the same time. Sad because I love my brother and want to be close to him. Angry because I believe it shouldn't and doesn't have to be this way. I think it all comes down to feeling alone. It's one thing to not feel close to my parents. That seems natural to me, but it feels unnatural to not be close to my own brother. // For Matt, I know that he loves me. But I feel like he doesn't show me. I understand that, like Mom, it's harder for him to express how he feels. But I just wish he would act as though he loved me more than just saying it. I know he doesn't want to hurt me and I don't want to hurt him either, but I can't keep hurting myself.

Analysis:
I think I've started this already, even in my previous two paragraphs. This is typical of me, always jumping ahead and thinking too quickly as I go. The one thing I am fairly certain of is the fact that in one way or another talking to Matt and approaching him about all of this is the solution or at least first step to a solution to the problem. It's the one thing I haven't tried yet--addressing the situation with him directly. I've avoided it mostly out of fear and just generally not being ready nor being prepared to have that discussion. I've had to do a lot of personal discovery and development to get to this point and I think it's time for me to actually face this before it becomes a permanent chip on my shoulder. I just want to do it in the least problematic manner as possible.

Contemplation:
My disposition. My disposition or personal philosophy and outlook on this situation is that I will survive and I will go on if things don't work out the way that I wish. I will have happiness and I will live my life and I will accomplish things and I will have wonderful people in life. I have a good life and I will continue to have a good life, with or without being close to my brother. However, I'm afraid that  everything unspoken about this and how I feel will eat away at me throughout my life and it will limit me. I don't want that. And I don't want it to turn into resentment or regret. I just want to finally express myself and let the situation at least be recognized. I don't expect it to be fixed or for everything to be as I want and wish it to be, but I want to release it so at least I can heal and be able to move on peacefully regardless of the result. At this point I just want the conversation, not necessarily the resolution.

Equilibrium:
Just in typing this all out I feel more balanced about the situation and I believe as ready as I can be (and definitely more prepared) to actually put this conversation into action. Post-conversation I may have to revisit this process, but this has most certainly proved to be helpful, worthwhile, and what I needed to do before contacting my brother.

So, I guess here it goes. To be continued...

A burst.

Something came over me tonight and I don't know how to explain what happened. Mom mentioned how much we "went through" with Matt and alcohol so its place in his life worries her and I questioned her about it. I admit, I did so more suddenly and aggressively than I meant to. Just something in me clicked and I was talking quicker than my brain could process from where my feelings about her comment and the situation were coming.*

*The damn electricity went out so I didn't have wi-fi when I was typing this. But I'm too lazy to type this all up again so the rest of the blog is in the photo below. Also, I was too lazy to make the photo look nice, so that will have to work.

The Things.

A list of things occupying my mind lately. (In no specific order)

1. AFI and NYFA
2. Summertree
3. Touch-up tattoo & new tattoo
4. jva
5. Insanity
6. Grandma, death, euthanasia
7. Dad. Matt. Distance.
8. Dawson's Creek...
9. Filmmaking, directing, editing, AD, cinematography. Passion. Drive.
10. The Amazing Spider-Man. Comics. Story. Heart.
11. Marc Webb.
12. Dr. Miller.
13. Taylor High School. THS Drama.
14. London. Travel. Europe. New experiences. Places.
15. Finding home. Garden State.
16. Capstone Capstone Capstone.
17. Scholarships.
18. Music. Wheels. Awake, aware, sentient.
19. Friendship. Alone.
20. Inspiration.
21. Wanting to be who I want to be without outside opinion, norms, history as obstacles.
22. Graduation. Looking back.
23. Road trips.
24. Roger Ebert. Happiness. Cinema. Life's arch.