Feels good to have my heart race.

Can I please just rant here about my current fascination? I can't remember the last time I have felt this way--full of excitement and nerves and totally captivated by a person. I don't know if there is any real possibility of a friendship or anything more than that, but I am happy about feeling this way.

Just knowing that there is such a person that likes the things I like, and thinks the way I do, and has a similar humor, but is still very different from me is reassuring and pleases me. It gives me hope that it is possible to find these traits in someone. Whether anything will come of this, I do not know. But this definitely does restore my hope for finding the right someone, eventually. As for right now, I am appreciating and respecting this new acquaintance.

I can't seem to find the appropriate and best fitting words to explain how good it feels to feel this. I have focused so much on school and work and my professional/adult self lately and not enough on my emotional/young self. This person, among other contributing factors, have inspired that in me and I am grateful.

But I will admit, that I do wish for something more to come out of it, for, I truly enjoy this feeling.

Quick post before bed.

While Elizabeth is blow drying her hair, I figured I would quickly type up my realization and therefore current frustration with myself. I have thought this a few times in the past month or so, but it really has been becoming clear to me lately. I've realized how arrogant I come off sometimes, especially when working. I know that part of it is that I'm just trying to get things done and I know an efficient or productive way of doing things and I enforce it, which is fine. Though, sometimes I am insecure about that, I do know that most of the time it is understandable and necessary.

However, the way I talk about things sometimes I feel like I am coming off like I'm bragging. Nick's been teasing me lately about NKU here and there and I'm not necessarily bothered by him teasing me, I'm bothered by the fact that I gave him something to tease me about. Because, clearly I have made statements like, "At NKU we have...", "We did it this way when...", and so and so forth. And though, I only mentioned it informatively, or casually, but after I say it I hear how it could seem like I'm being pompous, which I don't want to be or even appear to be at all. I hate people like that and I don't want to be one of them.

It's just strange, because here at school I am so quiet and humble and I do things when I am told and that's about it. But back in the THS scene, I become more authoritative. I think part of it is being comfortable with the people there, knowing them and the system so well and the fact that I am now older than all of them. I feel more like an equal with Allison, Bret, and Nick than I do with the professors in the theatre department, which is natural at this point. I really hope that my letting such statements slip is just a result of the more familiar atmosphere and not that I subconsciously I think that I'm above them. I don't want to believe that I could be vain, but then again I am human. It's a part of nature at times.

I do know that I want to make a conscious effort of not making statements like this anymore and keeping my humility while still getting my job done and getting the most of the learning experience.

Chamber of Secrets Novel Blog

This might seem strange to you all, because it seems strange to me, too, but technically this is the first time I have read Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets all the way through. I think I might have finished it in second grade when I first started reading it, but I didn't remember any of the last quarter of it until I saw the movie. I tried to read it a second time years later and couldn't get past the Deathday Party chapter. After reading it again, I can't help but laugh and shake my head at my head at myself now because it just seems ludicrous that I never finished it. I would like to emphasize, however, that my not reading it wasn't a reflection of it's value or integrity as a good novel. I enjoy the story of the second one much more than the first.

In general, I actually think that the second book improved in the story sense from the first, though. It seemed that in the Sorcerer's Stone a lot more scenes and instances that were not necessarily related to the plot were written. Despite the entertainment or informational value of them, they didn't necessarily move the plot along. For, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, nearly every scene eventually proves to aid plot development and bring the characters closer to solving the mystery of the Chamber and all its secrets and perils.

The mystery of the Chamber, I think is one of the most interesting ideas that Rowling comes up with throughout the series, though there are so many. As well, I think it sets the beginning of a tone and atmosphere that she creates and maintains for the rest of the series. The Sorcerer's Stone opens our eyes to this awe-inspiring world through Harry's. Though, it had it's darker elements, I think in Chamber of Secrets is the first time the idea starts hitting harder home that, "Wow, the Wizarding world has seen some dark and evil times and could again." It's the first glimpse past the fascination to the darker reality. Like I said, I think Sorcerer's Stone had this in it toward the end, too, but I think a stronger impression of it is made in Chamber of Secrets.

Despite it being a smaller part of the novel, one of my favorites is the scene where Harry overhears other students talking about him. I personally found it very interesting to get that perspective of Harry from other people's view. For the most part readers understand that the Gryffindors typically support Harry, and the Slytherins despise him, but hearing students from other houses and just other students in general was intriguing. This is true, especially considering that these other students don't know or see everything that we are exposed to in Harry's point of view. That's why I think it's neat to see how one my interpret Harry's actions and personality from an explicitly outsider's point of view.

My one wish for the novel would be to know more in full detail what Ginny wrote in the diary and the struggle she went through, even what it felt like to have part of Tom Riddle's soul in her own. The book reveals a great deal more than the movie, but even that bit of it in the book made me want to know more about that situation and to get to know Ginny better as a character.

Upon finishing the book, I looked at the accolades for the first Harry Potter book on the back inside cover of the hardback edition and one of them caught my attention. From School Library Journal, "Surely the vilest household in children's literature since the family Roald Dahl created for Matilda. Harry himself is the perfect confused and unassuming hero." I really like what this says, one, because it's true, and two, because it made me realize the similarities the two author's have in their style of writing.

Questions

1. Regarding the possibility of Dobby being a JarJar Binks type character: do you think that Dobby is a successful use of that sort of stereotype or not? (I apologize for the wording of this question, I struggled with how best to phrase it.)

2. If you could make polyjuice potion, who would you want to turn into for an hour?

Sunday's Miscellaneous Thoughts (On Monday)

I don't know what it is, but lately all I want to do is blog. Record all my thoughts and feelings down. The more I post, the more I want to, it's kinda strange. I guess, I'm getting rather attached to this because it's the one place where I can be fully honest and not worry about other people at all. I don't tell anyone about this, just for the reason--so that all this information stays private--but sometimes I wish people knew what I wrote. Maybe if they read some of this, they would know me better. I don't know. All in all, though, I think I'd rather it stay private. That way I can keep this little "sanctuary" of mine.

A lot of opportunities have come my way already this semester and I am very excited about them. But it just gets me thinking a lot about the future. I just wish I knew how my life turned out. It's just frustrating when I want two lifestyles that don't necessarily mesh well together. I know I shouldn't and don't need to plan out my future, but I just want to be prepared. Prepared and ready and able to recognize when the right path comes my way. I don't want to miss it and wind up regretting it later on.

Some quick mentions of various stuff from the last couple of days: found someone I'm interested in, Season 9 of One Tree Hill started, Matt got hired by a recording artist to play bass, Skyped with Alison for hours, went to Diana's dance store, started the Farnsworth Invention, had dinner with Sarah, the Golden Globes, lunch with Kim tomorrow. Just some things to remember.

HP and the Sorcerer's Stone Blog for Blackboard

Watching the Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone was a bit like going back in time for me. It brought back a lot of memories for me about the series itself, about the movies, and about myself. This was the first Harry Potter movie I have watched since seeing the final one in theaters, so with the end rather fresh in my mind and then going all the way back to the beginning made for an intriguing experience and it hit me once again just how much the story relates and parallels my own life.

When the first book was published I was eleven years old, the same age as Harry. Since then, with every year, I have grown with these characters as they grow. Therefore, when watching the movie I couldn't help but be reminded of a smaller, younger version of myself. Curious, a little insecure, excited to learn, naive, but with a good heart.

With any given time of reflection, retrospect, or hindsight, one sees and realizes things that might not have been so obvious at first or when it was happening. While watching the movie I began picking up on a lot of stuff that during any previous viewings of the movie, I would not have normally noticed or given a lot of thought or that were reinforced in my mind.

For instance, in general I think it is very clear that Christopher Columbus did the best job out of all the directors to stay true to the book, which I think is vitally important for any book, but especially for a series, because he essentially had the responsibility of establishing the world of Harry Potter as everyone had seen in through the books and as everyone would see it from then onward as the other books and movies were released. He did a wonderful job of capturing the world and the people, in my opinion. But, I think part of why he was more successful with this was because he directed for the shortest books. With less text to reference and include, he had more room to be creative.

It's difficult for me not to reiterate a lot of what has been mentioned and discussed on here because I agree with and noticed a lot of it as well. I will add, however, one disappointment I have with the movie, which happens to deal with one of the few things that wasn't included in the movie as it was in the book, but adapted and done differently. I'm speaking about the scene where Harry overhears Snape and Quirrell. The dialogue is different, and even more different is the setting in which this conversation takes place. I understand why this scene and the scene with the mirror take place at the same time, for cinematic purposes, but I think it's more intriguing and places more suspicion on the characters with how it is written in the book.

The majority of my thoughts and commentary toward Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone are about the book, so I will refrain from discussing them just yet. I would like to end with my favorite scene from the book and movie which is the scene with the Mirror of Erised. As far as it's relation to Harry as a character/human being, I think it is a heartbreaking moment where his loneliness and yearning for love and family is extremely palpable and is a moment where the audience becomes ultimately attached to him and his story. At least, that was the case for me. Cinematically, I think it is a beautiful visual and one of my favorites from the whole series.

Thus, my first question to you all is:

What is your favorite scene in the first movie and why? Is it because of the writing, the visual, the characters, or something else?

My second:

...?

Two in One.

Why is it so difficult for me to say some things and not others? Why is it so difficult for me to be honest about some things and not others?

I often feel like my personality is composed of two polar opposite and different people. One minute I am shy and can't find the words to explain myself and then the next I am ranting passionately, with confidence and conviction, without hesitation.

I want and am two totally and mutually exclusive people at the same time and it makes for a fair inner struggle.

I never know which person to be. Or which one I want to be for that matter.

Records to buy on vinyl.

1. Foster the People, Torches

2. Patty Griffin

3. Radiohead, All

4. Gotye, Making Mirrors

5. Bon Iver

6. Stars

7. Noisettes, Wild Young Hearts

8. La Rocca, The Truth

A fresh start. And a good one.

And so the spring semester has begun and so far so good. I have only completely my second day of the new semester, but so far I have a good feeling about the next couple of months. There was an amazing energy on campus with everyone returning. I reunited with all my Theatre friends like we were never separated in the first place.

We all met up for lunch in the Student Union and ate up in the Kitchenette on the third floor, randomly. It was fun, though. We ended up relocating to the long booths by Outtakes. Everyone left for lab though so I hung out with Jordan for a bit. A little while later everyone came over to my dorm for dinner. We had rotisery (sp?) chicken and mashed potatoes from Kroger which were beyond delicious. Applied for housing, as well, and played Apples to Apples. It was a very enjoyable first day back.

I mention these seeming insignificant happenings because because of them I felt happy yesterday. I have been trapped in my own little bubble and world for the past three weeks, which makes me self-destruct a bit. It feels good to be around people again and to be jumping back into doing all the things I love.

Other than reuniting with my friends, the classes even seem like they are going to be interesting and relatively fun for the rest of the semester, so I look forward to them. My jazz appreciation class has the potential to be incredibly awesome and relatively challenging at the same time, but for now I think it will be a good challenge. Chris McCandless lookalike is in my class, which is amusing to me, as well, as a young child. No way he is older than 13. I find that intriguing. The professor has a fascinating mind and intellect and way of looking at things. I feel like I am going to like him as a teacher. And of course all my film classes will be wonderful, if not just by the fact that they require me to watch films. Kristin's class definitely has the potential to be very fun. I think I like the vast majority of the people in there which is relieving. I think makeup will be the most boring, but the professor has a very captivating personality.

I had lunch with Allie today. I enjoyed catching up with her. It should be fun having a class together. I also showed a guy to Griffin Hall today. We had a pleasantly casual conversation on the way. I was surprised with how comfortably I spoke with a stranger. Normally, I get nervous and never know what to say. I don't know, it was one of those brief moments where I felt like an adult. Just in the sense of being collected and able to relate with a perfect stranger. It's difficult to explain. I didn't really feel like myself today. But in a good way. I guess, really I just didn't feel like how I've felt for the past couple weeks. Which is definitely a good thing.

I don't know what it is about the environment here or in college in general, but it makes me feel like such a happier, evolved person. More prepared, independent. All around I just feel more comfortable as a person here. It's a good feeling. I think I've hit and possibly surpassed an appropriate quota for using the word "good" in a post. This is ridiculous.

In other news, I think I have found another possible stage management opportunity with a community theatre. I like when I feel like some of the "pieces" are coming together for me.

I don't normally post about stuff like this, but I figured that maybe I should post about stuff like this more. I mean, for one, just to document some of the day to day stuff that goes on with me. To be able to look back and remember this day, as a good day. It doesn't have to be especially happy or especially sad, sometimes just a simple, good memory is enough. I need to remind my self of good, normal days. To appreciate every day for what it is and for what it can bring to my life and to my perspective.

Tell Me What It Takes.

Today, I don't just feel utterly alone, but I realize that in many ways I actually am utterly alone right now. All my friends are back at college. My "best friend" hasn't spoken to me in nearly a month. And to be frank, is too caught up in herself to be there for me, and I think I can finally admit that that has truly been the case for a long time now. I'm still not very close to my parents. Not emotionally, anyway. My dad is so clueless to the actual reality of my world, which isn't completely his fault. And Mom...I don't know, it is difficult to explain. She is witness to nearly every aspect of my life and yet somehow can never understand my world. Can never understand me. And even if she could, I need someone outside of my family to rely on, from whom to seek comfort, advice, joy. And then it is beyond clear that my brother is completely emotionally unavailable to me. I mean, I can go months without speaking to him or seeing him, so that pretty much speaks for itself. I love my friends at school, but we still barely know each other. I mean, it can still be difficult for me to open up to the people I have known for nearly 14 years, let alone people I have only known for a couple months. Lately, I feel like this blog is the only thing I can talk to. And though it does help me getting my thoughts and feelings out in the "open," there is still something more divine about opening those thoughts and feelings to a person.

Now, just for sake of confirmation, know that for once I'm not writing this at 4 am in the morning, crying like a basket case. I just ache a little tonight.

All of this just makes me think of how much I have lost. My mind seems to always revert to junior year and how alive I felt then. How satisfied with life I was. And how, with the exception of some struggles academics wise, everything seemed to somehow work out for me. I was getting and exploring a lot of the things I always wanted or wondered about and that was thrilling for me. My life now still has it's thrills, but I still feel broken from everything that happened senior year. I lost people who inspired me and colored my world. I lost my lifestyle. I lost myself. And though I have gained bits and pieces of the first two, the third has been quite a struggle.

I just wish I knew what it is going to take to get that fulfillment back. That happiness.

I don't want the mistake to be made that I don't appreciate my life and everything I have been given and that I am lucky to have. Because I know how fortunate my life is in so many ways. I guess, it's just that I know that life has so much to offer and I want to experience so much and feel life to the fullest.

I don't want to miss out.

That's my biggest fear. I'm afraid that I'm going to miss out on all the wonderful and even the wonderfully difficult things in life. Like falling in love, having/raising a family, seeing the world, a job. And even things more simple than that. I just feel like I'm behind. I mean some kids slack in school. They don't learn how to read until fifth grade, or don't take algebra until junior or senior year. But I am slacking life. I've never been on a date. Never been kissed. Never been asked out. Never had a job. I've already missed out on so many things since my parents divorced and the rest of my family is so distant. I know it's selfish to feel like I deserve more, but I'm a good person aren't I? Can't I have those normal pleasures? Those common joys?

What am I doing wrong? And what can I do to change it? I keep trying to figure out ways to make it all happen. A lot of times I argue that I don't take enough of an active role in my life. But then it seems like every time I take that leap, that chance, nothing happens. I'm pessimistic and I know that, but I just can't help it.

I just refuse to believe I don't deserve to have my dreams made.

Calming the noise with a song.

I can't even find the words to describe how it feels to find a song that calms the noise in my world and in my head. Tonight and for the past couple of days it has been Heart by Annie Stela. Other days it's Who Knows Who Cares by Local Natives. And the other, other days it is different songs. But each time I find one of these songs, a piece of my heart goes with them and gladly. I know that my heart is safe in these songs.

Heart

Hallelujah, the spring is bringing bombs of purple on the street
I walk the dog and I crush them with my feet
Oh, the morning
The sun too bright and the moon not bright enough
I got nothing new to say except I think I’ve had enough

I don’t believe you when you tell me I’m a good girl

There must be a heart that keeps me here
Away from the panic and the fear
There must be a heart that keeps me here

Did I break you?
I really did not think it could be done
And suddenly the cards had all been played and I had won
So where is the good feeling?
Where is the lighting up?
Where are the thousand voices screaming, telling me this is enough?

I don’t believe you when you tell me I’m a good girl

There must be a heart that keeps me here
Away from the panic and the fear
There must be a heart that keeps me here

Oh, everyday and ordinary, does it make me happy?
Does it curl beneath the surface of my skin
Will I let it in?

There must be a heart that keeps me here
Away from the panic and the fear
There must be a heart that keeps me here

A strand of possibility.

I spend the majority of my days being scared of the future. Feeling lonely. Inferior. Wanting so much for my life and for myself, but afraid that I'll never have that dream. Yet, somehow I still hold onto a small strand of hope that maybe one day it will all be worth it. The crying, and the worry. That one day it will all make sense. I guess I'm just holding onto the possibility of a good ending. And hopefully a happy one, too.

That strand makes each day worth living.

2012: a New Year.

The ball has dropped. Actually, that was three hours ago, but either way, it is now officially a new year. 2011 carried a lot of my favorite and happiest memories. There were a great deal of low moments, but nothing completely awful. It was a year of growth for me. A year of recovery. 2010 ended with a lot of pain. I didn't think I would ever feel better after everything that went down that December. I still haven't fully let go of the pain either, but now I carry it differently. I look at it now as something that I survived, that I overcame. To me, it is something that I had to go through in order to get to something better, in order for me to be better as a person.

I miss my life with those people. I miss the way I felt then, about life and about myself. I felt so alive then. I felt like I was actually experiencing life, taking risks and exploring different things, really living. Doing all the crazy things that we did, I felt like I was a part of something. I felt connected to these people through our adventures. I admired, and still do admire, all of them for the characteristics they have that I wish I did. With them, I felt more like them. More like the person I always wished I could be.

I was hopeful, that maybe the person I wished to be was actually possible. That I didn't have to forever be the smart, responsible, 'innocent'. I could be witty and fun. I could live on the edge a bit and do things that are technically wrong, but just to do them. To be a teenager and live recklessly while I could afford to. But once December 2010 reared its ugly head, I fell apart. My whole life I was living through one half of me. The other half hadn't been explored yet. Junior year and the beginning Senior year I was able to do that. When I was around that group of people, I felt whole. I felt like both halves of me were satisfied. And then I lost it again. I lost my friends and I lost half of me. A fitting quote comes to mind: "Lose one friend. Lose all friends. Lose yourself." That's pretty much what happened to me. It was the second worst thing to ever happen to me, and the second hardest thing to deal with. My grandpa's death being the first.

One year later and here I am. I've graduated high school. Travelled throughout Europe. Finished my first semester of college. Being hired as a stage manager for a local and popular theater. Made a lot of new friends along the way. I've had a lot to be happy about. But still, I feel partially empty. Vacant. Unoccupied. I'm still searching to find what will fill that void. Maybe I can find it in 2012, somewhere along the way. I don't know what this year has in store for me, but I dearly hope for some happiness. I look forward to the day when I feel whole again. The day when my two halves meet.

I'm not big on the whole resolutions aspect of the New Year, but I will say this. I would like to lose weight and become healthier. I would like for my family to be closer and actually act like a family. I would like to continue doing well in school and working toward an academic future and career. I would like some unforgettable experiences. I would like for so many things to come my way, but I know that all things when the time is right/how they should.

Show me what you got, 2012. Sláinte.