A line of truth.

It's kinda funny how I know exactly what I want for my life and the people in it, but not how to get it. I'm just too scared and I hate that.

Irony haunts me.

I find it really strange how after I pull back and let go of all hopes and expectations, I finally get what I want. The moment I give up on some people and on some things happening, then they do. I'm not complaining, but it just makes life really difficult. It's like I go through days or ever a week or so of turmoil, trying to figure out how to deal with things and gain a different perspective and attitude and then that something that I was waiting for happens.

Then again, at the same time, there are things that I have wanted for so long that never unfolded. The prime example: my brother finally stepping up. At this point, I give up on that ever happening. That's old news really.

But these more recent developments have me all confused. I basically told myself that everything that I wanted to mean something, in reality, didn't mean anything. All just casual, normal. And while I still believe that, I can't help but be comforted by the fact that this time he reached out to me, brought me into his private world. Even as friends, that means something.

However, despite all of this, I have decided that I'm not going to let little things influence me anymore. I am sticking to what is within my control and what is necessary for me to do. Despite what I want, I have responsibilities and now is the time to start paying attention to them again.

A long, long walk.

Some instinct or impulse stirred in me tonight and it took me on a late night walk. I just walked around campus, listening to music, letting my thoughts flow, and enjoying the fresh air. I needed time to myself and purely myself. It was extremely relaxing, but it was difficult to bring myself back to the dorm.

I came back and felt drawn to my Buddhist book. I wandered back outside and sat down in the eye and started reading. I am sure I seemed strange just sitting there that late at night as it was getting colder, reading a book of all things. It was one of those times, I just didn't care, though. I was so focused and centered in my own thoughts, everything and everyone else sort of drowned out.

It was interesting, though, to witness everyone come and go, to see what happens outside while I'm typically closed up in my dorm. I like watching people, studying them. I just find them fascinating. I find myself curious about their worlds, how they are the same as or differ from mine.

I had some visitors that caught me off guard. I had been in my own world for so long at that point that I didn't know how to respond. I felt judged and I realized I just need to let go. Of a lot of things. I'm not going to sit and wait for things to get better or worse. I'm just going to do what I need to do and that's it.

I need to stop caring about everything and everyone, especially considering it's all rarely reciprocated. My focus needs to be on only the rational, the logical, the necessary. And I need to stop trying to control every bit of my life. I'm reaching one of those points where I have to stop and reconfigure my approach and attitude.

Stop hoping and just be.

Tattoo Ideas:

mad to live

evolve

darwin fish w/ headphones

no limits

there, there

purple heart/AFG

i am i am i am

small buddha/with "i am i am i am" below it

fight or flight

yes/no

WHAT COMES NEXT

?

Why

chaos vs. order

integrity

flux

world/globe (grandpa)

A.M. Ramblings.

I have to admit that I haven't really liked who I've been lately. It's not like I've been acting drastically differently or anything, but I just feel like my attitude and demeanor has changed some. I don't know why and I don't know how to fix it. But I find myself saying and doing things that afterward I wish I could take back. I don't like that I said them, how I said them.

I always try to speak with a purpose and I feel like a lot of my words have been said without that lately. Or at least, with the wrong purpose maybe. It's not like I've been saying mean or rude or unreasonable things, but none of it comes out the way I mean or want it to and that is very frustrating for me.

I feel as though I'm in a subconscious state of panic. The end of the school year is coming and I don't want this all to end. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited for school and summer, but there are aspects of my life right now that I don't want to let go of. I don't want them to disappear. Plus, I'm really not looking forward to living with my mom again. I mean, it will be nice in some ways, but after being pretty independent for this long, it's going to make it difficult to make the transition.

Having all of this and all my finals and homework on my mind is stressing me out a bit, I think and maybe this is why I've been speaking and acting more strangely lately. I'm not sure, but I just want to make the most of this last month and ensure that certain things and people stay in my life after this semester is over...and that includes the person I have become throughout this year. Because all in all, I've been pretty proud of my development. I hope it continues.

3/29/2012: Performance Thoughts

Yesterday was a somewhat emotional day for me, or evening rather. It was one of those times when I doubt myself, my relationships with my friends and people around me. Typically I feel confident that I'm seen as a nice, intelligent, fun, and even quiet person. I believe this is true, but I wonder if I'm actually liked and respected. I mean, I think my characteristics add up to being a good and likeable person, but I think to others these might not add up to the same thing. Some days I think people like who I am and the next I eel as though they think I'm strange. Maybe I read into people and situations too much, maybe I'm just paranoid. I don't know, I just wish there was a way for people's thoughts and opinions to be more clear to me.

I am saying this of people in general and of one in particular, too. Last night I gave up o my interpretations of almost everything, believing it all to be figments of my mind, imagination, and wishes. What hope I had for stronger relationships with people and this one in particular was gone.

Today's events seemed to confuse me even more on that front. I had pleasant exchanges, but they were just exchanges. I kept telling myself that this morning, trying to establish a different, more healthy, and more realistic perspective. It was strange, then, the circumstance of the encounter just an hour or so later. What were the chances? Is there such a thing as simple coincidence? Was this it or did that happening mean something? I struggle with this everyday, wondering if things really are "meant" to happen or if it's all just a series of happenstance. The left side of my brain says "coincidence," but the rights and certainly hopes that it is something more, or at least a necessary notch in my path.

However, to kepp myself from fantasizing, I tell myself that it's not going to make what I want to happen, happen. I know this to be true, but I'm still haunted by the question of, "What would have to happen in order for what I want to become reality?" As much as I want for things to mean something, not expecting and not hoping is much safer in this case, and most of the time, really. This way, I won't be so easily affected my every little thing.

But at this point, what am I to do? Do I hold on and hope, deep down? Do I let go as much as possible? Do I attempt a more active approach? Do I wait and just let everything take its course?

For almost any and every situation in my life I find the appropriate answer eventually. But this, specifically, has proven to be more difficult and complicated. I honestly don't know.

I'm scared and I always have been when it comes to matters of the heart. The matters of my mind I am sure of--my beliefs, convictions, opinions, integrity, knowledge. The heart of my brain and the mind of it are quite often at odds, though.

I just feel so passionately. Thinking of the possibility is like breathing new, fresh air. But the fear of no possibility is nearly unbearable.

This is one time where complete apathy would be wonderful.