Needed to do something. Needed some soothing. Still do.

I miss the inspiration of my last blog. I'm riding through the dark tunnel of the emotional roller coaster at the moment. Nothing tragic or devastating has happened to me or anyone I care about or anything, I'm just having one of my blue spells. I want so much from life and the people in my own. I know that I can be selfish in that way. But who doesn't want a meaningful relationship with their brother? Who doesn't want their family to get along and enjoy each other's company to the fullest? Who doesn't want people to want them too or even need them, too? I mean, I know that some things just don't change. But it's really difficult for me to accept that this is as good as it gets. That my family will only be as good as it is today. That my brother will only love me as much as he does today. I want more. Typically that desire is called greed, however, I see it more as wanting to reach the fullest potential possible. To not let and piece of me or others go to waste. So that when I die I can say that I loved, cried, laughed, gave, tried, helped, inspired, cared, listened, etc., etc., as deeply and truly as my spirit would allow me.

I'm an emotional wreck 95% of the time. And I know that that is not necessarily a good or healthy thing. But that's all I know how to do--to think and feel. I can't create, so I just react.

I have wonderful people in my life. I couldn't be more grateful for them nor cherish them more and love them more dearly. But I still feel alone nearly all the time. No one quite gets me completely. I think this is why I cling to music, books, quotes, because I find those words or notes that perfectly match me

I feel like my beliefs are a barrier. They stop me from ultimately connecting with people. But when I let go of my beliefs, I let go of me.

I don't know, maybe everything in this world just means too much to me. It's hard for me to find the words, but I am so conflicted all the time. I'm so sad. Not depressed, just sad. Like I'm missing something--something I know is there, but will never come to me.

I think that nothing I say on here actually makes sense or has a point. It all probably lacks meaning completely. It's just as disoriented as I am with my thoughts/feelings.

Sometimes I just need to do something. Somehow this is soothing. Though I don't know why or how.

When in doubt, jump.

I feel overwhelmingly inspired right now. I just finished watching The Human Experience. It's an incredible documentary about two brothers and their friends as the venture to various places in the world and meet all sorts of different people--all in the search for what life means to other people. I've always had this vibrant and uncontrollable passion and desire for life. I try to feel and experience everything as deeply and sincerely as I possibly can. Well, after watching this I feel even more compelled to do so and more compelled to take personal action and initiative toward impacting others lives. I want to see the world and more and importantly meet the people in it. I want that out of body, once in a lifetime, unbelievably moving and life-changing experience. I want to travel. I want go places I've never been before. I want to accomplish something.

I realized that I want to live and not simply focus on all the perceptions and expectations of me or that I think are there. Just live, jumping head first into my dreams. For once in my life I need to take a supreme chance and see where life takes me.

"When in doubt, jump. Figure out how to unfold your wings as you fall."