Spring is here. And I don't mean the weather.

So spring break ending up surprising me like none other. The bonfire was probably one of the best nights of my life. It was one of those time where--even though things weren't perfect or exactly how I thought they would or would not be--everything felt relevant. Like things happened exactly how they were supposed to. It was enlightening in many ways and I enjoyed have that time to reflect on where I've been, where I am, and where I'm going. It showed me how far I've come and how much I've grown and developed into being comfortable and confident in who I am and who I want to be for myself and for others.

I was able to connect with people, which is all I've ever wanted. It was really nice to have people listen to and care about what I have to say and how I feel and what is going on my life. I had no idea, though, how much would result just from that evening.

For once I feel like there is mutual interest between myself and someone who I could honestly fall for and have as a nurturing and comforting/healthy addition to my life. It's nice to have someone who appreciates me and sees something in me and outright puts an effort to make me a part of their life. I don't know if this is just friendship or something more, but either way I am just grateful for the connection and the experience. Though, I'm not going to lie, I would love for this to continue and grow.

Not only do I feel like my personal life is finally starting to find shape in one way or another, but also my creative future and theatre career as well. The only issue I have is that I want so many different opportunities and experiences right now and throughout my years and it's difficult to make all of them happen at once. But after a talk with Brian, I think I feel more confident in that I am actually capable of accomplishing what I want to do creatively.

I am not completely satisfied with everything and I'm not necessarily elated or anything like that, but I am okay. And by okay, I mean I am accepting what I have been given and I'm grateful for the possibilities and learning to trust in that what will be will be and to enjoy the ride and see every part of it as necessary and something to expand, improve, or reflect on.

I feel like I'm in the right place. I don't know where exactly I'm going, but I trust this path.

The start of Spring Break.

Friday's lovely weather. High school friends. Taylor Drama. The realization that theatre is a powerful means for learning and bringing people together. Skyline. Old times at Emily's. Saturday's also beautiful weather. An incredibly magical and wonderful movie. Phenomenal food. Work craziness. More work craziness. Do not resuscitate. Philosophy, religion, spirituality with Mama. Trip to Taylor and Raver/Kohrs. Perks with the best friend. I don't know if I've ever been able to reflect on the past, present, and future so incredibly throughout a movie before. Ending with Friends. Always concerned about the future and where I'm supposed to be and going.

Black Spot. Local Natives. Relevant.

Oh,no I'm dying world

I can feel it arise. And the thing is, I knew it before

I re-open my eyes. And if I didn't know to be afraid. The faces made me sure that I do now. As I sit and wait, as I sit and wait

Oh no, I'm dying worldAnd I still lay here aliveWith a black spot on my arm

And so calm, I look inside. And I see the things I always knew. But wasn't sure until now

That if it comes to claim, that if it comes to claim I won't run

I won't run

I won't run

I won't run

I won't run

The puzzle.

I don't know how to fit the puzzle pieces together. I think I've spent every waking moment of my life  trying to make sure that they do. I think that's why I'm usually terminally emotional and conflicted about anything and everything.

I'm stuck between understanding whether I am invisible or I make myself invisible. It seems as though no matter what I do or don't do, that is the result though.

I want to take care of everyone else and no one wants to take care of or care for me. Protect me. Nurture me. Comfort me.

I don't think I've ever experienced true joy. Is there such a thing? Or can you not experience one thing without its opposite, its contradiction?

I'm never the choice. I trusted my Grandfather, is that way I seem to only trust those like him?

So much is going through my mind and all I can seem to do his hold my breath or cry. Cry and cry and cry.

I've been alone and on my own too much lately and I think it's taking its toll. Am I ever not alone, though?

Birthday celebration with the fam.

I don't know how I should feel nor how I do feel about tonight. I started off being annoyed and hurt and frustrated by the fact that my father and brother decide to ignore everyone around them when having a conversation. There are other people at the dinner table you know, one of whom is supposed to be celebrating her birthday, but clearly seems to be invisible or of little importance to you. It's just a reoccurring thing and it gets on my nerves.

Furthermore, I don't know why dad's personality infuriates me so much, but it does and, like I told mom, I feel like a lot of things he says and does loses meaning considering he wears his heart on his sleeve constantly and it sometimes gets in the way of just enjoying the moment for what it is. Instead he tries to make every single thing into a compliment or whatever and it just irks me and I'm not entirely or always sure why.

We ended up actually talking about things that mattered for once, which was nice. I still would have liked for everyone to take more of an interest in my life and what I've been doing. I don't mean that in a conceited way, but just in that it was my celebration. Matt was actually the main one to actually ask things, which meant a lot. Again, it wasn't exactly what I wanted, but it was a step in that direction which I wasn't expecting and am grateful for.

I just thought I would feel happier about that improvement, but for some reason I still feel incredibly "blah" about the whole thing. I'm not sure why and I can't really pinpoint it, which is strange, because I normally know and right now I have no clue.

I'm hoping some sleep will refresh my mind and then maybe I will be able to make some sense of it all. At least it wasn't a disaster, like usual, but I still feel uneasy or uncertain, or something about it. Hopefully I'll figure it out