Maybe change is good. (?)

As per usual, my promises of continuing end up not ringing true. I have good intentions, I swear, but like anything else, life has a way of interrupting or delaying. The busy week/weekend of moving into my dorm and becoming accustomed was the culprit this time around. So much has happened in such a short amount of time here already. It's weird how, over night your world is completely different. For me, this change has actually been a good one. Though, I use 'good' in lack of a better word. The last couple of times that I have woken up to my life being different and altered, it has usually not been under good circumstances, but thankfully I can say that this time is different. This time I can say that I think this change is taking me in a brighter and hopefully more fulfilling direction than I had originally expected. I really do believe that I will grow from my experience here, both in class and out of it. I feel like in some ways I already have even.

The most surprising and unexpected experience I have had is to reconnect with an old friend, the one I thought I lost in December. It's quite strange how time does heal. I mean, clearly time doesn't make you forget all the wrongs done or difficult times you have had, but it gives you a sense of clarity and motivation to move forward and onward, without looking back. I reunite with this friend, not looking back on what has happened with us, but looking forward at the possibilities that our acquaintence or friendship has in store for us. I'm happy to have a second chance. Both with this person and just in general with me and my life. And in many ways, it's a first chance. A starting point, a launch pad, if you will. Something is beginning here and as the next days and weeks and months go on, I'm excited and interested to see how the middle and end of this journey unfold.

I know this all seems airy and broad and maybe even overly positive, but I do have this strange sense of positivity or acceptance, or something that is keeping my spirit alive and functioning. I don't know, I don't think those are quite the appropriate words to describe my state of emotions and mindset, but I will think on it more and hopefully find the right words to depict it. Until then...

The Beginning of the End...

"Turn your face toward the sun and the shadows will fall behind you." -Maori Proverb

I am loving this quote right now. It is giving me a lot of hope and courage right now, at a time when I need it the most. All these life changes are a lot to deal with and this saying is giving me some positive perspective. Unfortunately, I haven't written much this past week, like I had hoped, too, especially since I feel like there is so much to talk about and expose. I'll follow the example of Fraulein Maria and start at the very beginning, of the week at least.

Sunday, I met up with my brother for lunch at Panera. We met at the one in Clifton. I won't go into full narration, but I will say that it was one of the best two hours of my life. My whole life I have wanted to feel close to my brother, to have a bond with him. I know it was just a lunch, but I feel like for the first time he actually really opened up to me and talked to me seriously and honestly, like an equal. A few years ago, I would have thought that that was impossible. That it was impossible for us to even say full sentences to each other, let alone talk about our thoughts, emotions, fears, our future, our family. It was a small step, but it was one I never expected and one that I am extremely thankful for. Maybe I will get that close relationship that I've always wanted. It just may take some time. Knowing now that it's at least possible is what's going to make that wait bearable.

The night before was interesting and eye-opening as well. A bunch of us came together to have a surprise party for Justin to say goodbye before he leaves for Colorado. It was a lot of fun-- chill, talking and just hanging out, enjoying each other's company. But it was also a turning point. That was when it hit most of us that we are all moving down our separate paths and that they may not converge in the future. The impending separation and closure of one of the most pivotal and enjoyable time of our lives is definitely a bitch to deal with and handle. It's taking a lot out of us all. I feel like Taylor kids have it worse than most high school students. Our school is like a family, or at least our graduating class is. We've been together from start to finish and we have become integral parts of the others in more ways than one. We're saying goodbye to friends and we're saying goodbye to parts of ourselves, our childhood, our innocence, etc. We're growing up and that's scary. The opportunities and possibilities that lay ahead are exciting, but the experience in itself is extremely intimidating.

Not only was it sad saying goodbye to the people there, but it also made me think that I wish I took more chances with them. That I risked talking to them, risked making more of an effort to be friends. Instead of worrying about saying something stupid or offending someone and being embarrassed and uncomfortable I could have been making more and better friendships. I've let my insecurities come between myself and some amazing possibilities and that's the one reason I am happy to start over. That's the one thing I would change and would like to correct for myself in the future. My future.

That's also an intriguing concept to consider. That this separation is allowing for us, as individuals, to have our own personal journey and life experience. That is a truly beautiful thing. One that needs to be appreciated.

Now that I have successfully ranted thoroughly with my tangent, back to the original schedule. Monday.

I don't remember what I did Monday. So...moving on.

Tuesday. I had lunch with my dad. I wanted to get somethings for my dorm from the Enriching Spaces store. I found some neat things, including a Buddha, which I adore. We also went to lunch at Panera, but this conversation was not so wonderful and inspiring as the one I had with my brother. It was quite frustrating actually. Honestly, a lot of things with my father have been frustrating lately. He has such a hands-off role in my and Matt's life and I don't know why, but I'm becoming blatantly aware of it lately and I hate it. I just worry about our future relationship, and it pains me to say that, but it's true.

I have been interrupted in writing this, so I would like to stop here and then continue later about the week's events and happenings. I can't believe I've written this much even. Maybe I really could rant enough to write a book.

The way most things do.

You know what I really can't stand? Narcissism. And it really bothers me when people can't seem to keep their word. They say they will or will not do a certain thing, treat someone a certain way, say something, or even feel specifically and then they turn around and do or say the same thing they just declared they wouldn't. It's not quite hypocrisy that I'm talking about. It just seems to be more of the person's weakness in sticking to their word and their say. They say they don't want to give a certain impression and then act in such a way that does that exact thing. How do they not realize what they are doing? I don't understand.


I wish I could find a focus for all these thoughts and anazlyzations of people. They come and I just can't stop thinking about them. It can get frustrating and even emotional, thinking so much. Especially exhausting. I don't really know if any of it means anything or if it actually has a point. It kinda all ends up in rambles and confusion when it comes from my brain.


I wish I could just channel and control my emotions and thoughts in general. Maybe life wouldn't be as confusing and things wouldn't be as difficult for me to deal with. Like college, for example. I just don't know how to feel about this upcoming event. I mean, I'm moving into a new life. That's really really REALLY scary. I've been through this whole dilemma on here before, but it's just something I can't really escape from. And mom isn't helping. She's actually really suffocating lately.


It's times like these that I wish that my brother was available to rant and just open up and talk with. I feel like he's the only one that truly understands what our family and parents are like. I think he would be able to help me and talk me through all of this and give me useful advice, I just don't think he ever would. The trouble would be to get him to actually talk to me about stuff. That's the road block every time, though.


I kinda give up in actually having a direct say in what happens in my future. It all seems to take it's own course, no matter what my wants or expectations are. The future is just gonna do whatever it likes with my life and I have to deal with it. It's just really frightening to let go like that.


I really don't know why I started writing this blog tonight, or where any of these thoughts came from, or what purpose I tried to serve by saying all of this but here it is. Maybe it'll make more sense later, in retrospect. The way most things do.

Unexpected turn of events.

This whole CYPT situation has been an interesting, unusual, and surprising experience. Today was the last day of performances. Two in one day. Crazy, but actually a lot of fun. And not only did I enjoy today, but I also felt somewhat sad. Sad for the show to be over, even sad to be leaving these people. The latter was definitely not something I anticipated. I guess, somewhere between all my complaining and frustration and fear, I actually became attached to this program. I found myself even having feelings of excitement for next summer, to come back and be a part of this all over again. I mean, maybe if I do it again, I can become closer to these people, or at least more comfortable and ergo, have an even more enjoyable time.

I'm strangely thankful and happy with my time spent in this program. It's not like THS Drama, and I don't think anything I am a part of will ever feel that wonderful and dear to me, but I appreciate this experience so much more than I thought I would. I'm so amazed by this circumstance.

Even though I am more fond of CYPT than I used to be, I still don't feel quite accepted by the group of people, yet. I am more accepting of them, but I don't think they see me as a part of their family, yet. But maybe next year they will. We'll see what next summer brings.

A little bit of bitch. A little bit of whine. And some hurt, too.

I know I shouldn't be upset about this, but I am. And honestly, I feel like I do have a right to be because it sucks. You know, it's really awful when someone you've been close with for years, suddenly puts people they didn't use to like/people they barely talk to and hang out/people that don't give a shit about them over you. One of the people that was there for them and always supported them. It really sucks feeling like you don't matter to the people you care about.

What's even worse is when your closest friend is picked over you. And when they are insensitive enough to not realize the shitty-ness of the situation. When they don't realize how you've just been screwed over. They shrug it off like it means nothing, when it definitely means something. Especially to you.

I'm tired of getting my hopes up and believing that I actually mean something to people. I'm tired of being either a second thought, or not a thought at all. Am I ever going to be able to have the friends around me that I want? Or is that just too much to ask? I know I shouldn't whine and complain like this, but sometimes it's really difficult not to.

I just want them to care like I do.