The way most things do.

You know what I really can't stand? Narcissism. And it really bothers me when people can't seem to keep their word. They say they will or will not do a certain thing, treat someone a certain way, say something, or even feel specifically and then they turn around and do or say the same thing they just declared they wouldn't. It's not quite hypocrisy that I'm talking about. It just seems to be more of the person's weakness in sticking to their word and their say. They say they don't want to give a certain impression and then act in such a way that does that exact thing. How do they not realize what they are doing? I don't understand.


I wish I could find a focus for all these thoughts and anazlyzations of people. They come and I just can't stop thinking about them. It can get frustrating and even emotional, thinking so much. Especially exhausting. I don't really know if any of it means anything or if it actually has a point. It kinda all ends up in rambles and confusion when it comes from my brain.


I wish I could just channel and control my emotions and thoughts in general. Maybe life wouldn't be as confusing and things wouldn't be as difficult for me to deal with. Like college, for example. I just don't know how to feel about this upcoming event. I mean, I'm moving into a new life. That's really really REALLY scary. I've been through this whole dilemma on here before, but it's just something I can't really escape from. And mom isn't helping. She's actually really suffocating lately.


It's times like these that I wish that my brother was available to rant and just open up and talk with. I feel like he's the only one that truly understands what our family and parents are like. I think he would be able to help me and talk me through all of this and give me useful advice, I just don't think he ever would. The trouble would be to get him to actually talk to me about stuff. That's the road block every time, though.


I kinda give up in actually having a direct say in what happens in my future. It all seems to take it's own course, no matter what my wants or expectations are. The future is just gonna do whatever it likes with my life and I have to deal with it. It's just really frightening to let go like that.


I really don't know why I started writing this blog tonight, or where any of these thoughts came from, or what purpose I tried to serve by saying all of this but here it is. Maybe it'll make more sense later, in retrospect. The way most things do.