I am loving this quote right now. It is giving me a lot of hope and courage right now, at a time when I need it the most. All these life changes are a lot to deal with and this saying is giving me some positive perspective. Unfortunately, I haven't written much this past week, like I had hoped, too, especially since I feel like there is so much to talk about and expose. I'll follow the example of Fraulein Maria and start at the very beginning, of the week at least.
Sunday, I met up with my brother for lunch at Panera. We met at the one in Clifton. I won't go into full narration, but I will say that it was one of the best two hours of my life. My whole life I have wanted to feel close to my brother, to have a bond with him. I know it was just a lunch, but I feel like for the first time he actually really opened up to me and talked to me seriously and honestly, like an equal. A few years ago, I would have thought that that was impossible. That it was impossible for us to even say full sentences to each other, let alone talk about our thoughts, emotions, fears, our future, our family. It was a small step, but it was one I never expected and one that I am extremely thankful for. Maybe I will get that close relationship that I've always wanted. It just may take some time. Knowing now that it's at least possible is what's going to make that wait bearable.
The night before was interesting and eye-opening as well. A bunch of us came together to have a surprise party for Justin to say goodbye before he leaves for Colorado. It was a lot of fun-- chill, talking and just hanging out, enjoying each other's company. But it was also a turning point. That was when it hit most of us that we are all moving down our separate paths and that they may not converge in the future. The impending separation and closure of one of the most pivotal and enjoyable time of our lives is definitely a bitch to deal with and handle. It's taking a lot out of us all. I feel like Taylor kids have it worse than most high school students. Our school is like a family, or at least our graduating class is. We've been together from start to finish and we have become integral parts of the others in more ways than one. We're saying goodbye to friends and we're saying goodbye to parts of ourselves, our childhood, our innocence, etc. We're growing up and that's scary. The opportunities and possibilities that lay ahead are exciting, but the experience in itself is extremely intimidating.
Not only was it sad saying goodbye to the people there, but it also made me think that I wish I took more chances with them. That I risked talking to them, risked making more of an effort to be friends. Instead of worrying about saying something stupid or offending someone and being embarrassed and uncomfortable I could have been making more and better friendships. I've let my insecurities come between myself and some amazing possibilities and that's the one reason I am happy to start over. That's the one thing I would change and would like to correct for myself in the future. My future.
That's also an intriguing concept to consider. That this separation is allowing for us, as individuals, to have our own personal journey and life experience. That is a truly beautiful thing. One that needs to be appreciated.
Now that I have successfully ranted thoroughly with my tangent, back to the original schedule. Monday.
I don't remember what I did Monday. So...moving on.
Tuesday. I had lunch with my dad. I wanted to get somethings for my dorm from the Enriching Spaces store. I found some neat things, including a Buddha, which I adore. We also went to lunch at Panera, but this conversation was not so wonderful and inspiring as the one I had with my brother. It was quite frustrating actually. Honestly, a lot of things with my father have been frustrating lately. He has such a hands-off role in my and Matt's life and I don't know why, but I'm becoming blatantly aware of it lately and I hate it. I just worry about our future relationship, and it pains me to say that, but it's true.
I have been interrupted in writing this, so I would like to stop here and then continue later about the week's events and happenings. I can't believe I've written this much even. Maybe I really could rant enough to write a book.
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