Delusion imagery.

Mom took me out to dinner tonight after the show and as usual my mind kept wandering. I came to think about Matt and how frustrated I have been with him lately. I have always looked up to him and wanted to be more like him. Then, I started to think, "what if everything I thought him to be, he wasn't?" I mean, what if I just create this image of the person he was in my head, because that's who I assumed and interpreted him to be? I think my imagination gets the best of me sometimes, no matter how logical and reasonable I try to be. The image of him in my head isn't who he really is, I don't think, and I think I'm finally coming to accept that.

This is going to suck to say, but I don't even know if I like the person that he is. I'm still not even sure who that person is, but it's not like I'll ever get the chance to know because he doesn't let anyone in. My whole family puts up so many walls it's not even funny. I'm not looking forward to the summer and being stuck outside of those walls. Sometimes I feel like we each live on a different planet. I'm just so tired of being the only one who cares enough to pay attention.

Yet another realization.

I have realized I can welcome a sister into my life, but I can never forgive my brother for not being a brother to me.

When mom and dad stopped being a family, I hoped Matt and I would put the fighting aside and would become one, just the two of us. But now that he will have his own, that's not going to happen. Being denied family unity, makes me want to find unity elsewhere that much more. I know I probably sound like a broken record lately, but seriously. I want to make a life for myself, a family for myself. I just want people to understand and appreciate me for my mind and my heart, and not for the image they have made in their own heads of who my am. I want people in my life that see who I am and that care enough to actually look.

My family doesn't have any clue who I am and I don't know if that is all their 'fault', or if a lot of it is me not letting them know, hiding from them. But really they're clueless, especially Matt. And the lack of effort to change that fact is frustrating.

I'm honestly to the point of giving up on him--giving up on ever knowing him and on him ever knowing me. He and the rest of the family can keep their delusions of life all they want, but I don't want to be a part of it anymore. I just can't handle it. I've evolved so much in the past year that I don't think I can go back to playing the game with them anymore. I'm done being quiet. I'm not going to burst out in tear-filled tantrums like freshman and sophomore year, but I'm not serving to please them. I'm standing my ground with my convictions, passions, and beliefs. And I'm not apologizing for it.

I'm also not entirely sure where all of this is spurring from, but all the time in silence in the booth just begs for the gears in my head to turn and turn and contemplate all of this stuff. I need to figure out how to channel it into something other than an emotionally-charged ranting on the web. But alas, here it is.

Hello rain. You can go away now.

As I was typing up my previous post that I wrote a couple days ago, it became appallingly apparent how much has changed in just 24 or so hours. Today has been dark, rainy, dull, and rather annoying.

It's not a secret that the rain puts me in a bad mood automatically, but watching Footloose today was rather stressful, too. And seriously don't even get me started on my mother. Which, of course means that I am definitely going to start on her and go into a long rant about her.

She's so unbelievably frustrating sometimes, today being one of them. But it's not unusually for her to get under my skin and annoy me. Today she actually got under my skin to the point of hurting my feelings a little bit. It amazes me how insensitive and rude she can be and how she thinks that she is just "teasing" as she calls it. She says teasing like that doesn't imply something negative. Teasing isn't really a good thing, especially not in the way she does it. And the way she teases is just plain mean sometimes. For today, in particular, she essentially insulted my appearance saying how awful my acne looked. Now, that's something that everyone notices and nobody actually points out because it's not polite. She acted as if it was better that my mother say it then someone else, which is a completely skewed point of view in my opinion, because people can expect other people to be rude or blunt to you, but your mother isn't the one that should be insulting her own daughter. That's just not how it goes. Ideally, no one should, but certainly not a family matter.

In general, I feel rather in adequate today. Between my mothers statements, and how some of the tech have been treating me lately. It's like they don't expect me to do well, which, to be honest, really sucks. I understand they want everything to go right and I'm sure I would be the same way in their position, but with how I'm feeling already today, that's the last thing I need is for more people other than myself to have doubts about me.

I really just want to blame it all on the weather, which really isn't that outlandish of a thing to do, in my opinion. I don't know, I honestly feel like getting a good cry out. Maybe I'm just a bit more vulnerable today since I finally watched the "Danny Boy" episode of One Tree Hill and was sobbing for an hour today.

Either way, I want the sunshine and positive vibes back. And soon!

3/20/2012: Rehearsal Thoughts

It seems like all the good days lately have been warm and sunny. Or, at least, the warmth and the sun make the day better simply by their presence. I ran into the Gemini a couple times, he engaged with me the second time. The weather was lovely and I spent lunch out on the ampitheater with my theater friends. Afterward I went to Taylor to help with Footloose on Monday. Backstage is better, but I still worry about the show itself. It was an especially fun time with Alex and Nicholas, Monday. It's really nice to "hang out" and joke and talk with them and the people at school. Especially after how dull the conversations were over the weekend (excluding the Monticello party and afterward, of course).

I can't get over how much I love my life right now, despite the stress and responsibility, I am having the time of my life and I plan on enjoying every moment of it.

Tuesday started off "meh," and turned out to be pretty great thanks to Gemini. Once again, he engaged me in conversation, glances, laughter, questions, his life. I felt so much closer to him yesterday after that. It was exhilarating. We are so open and friendly sometimes and barely conversational at others. I guess it just might depend on when we catch one another throughout the day, but it just makes it confusing. I am trying my best to be patient and not be too eager/anxious. I still maintain that he should make the first move and that seems to be working so far. I just hope (like I have said time and time again) that things keep progressing and moving forward. I want so badly for this one thing to work out in my favor, one way or another. Somehow.

Beyond that, today was beautiful and I got to hang out with Aaron at Fernbank. In some ways, I think we're closer now than ever. It makes me happy because he puts effort and care into our friendship--something I feel a lot of my friends don't do. It's days like these that make me so excited for summer--the freedom and the joy--and being carefree.

Dystopia Project Thoughts: Without Art Means No Relationships

What is it that makes people connect and form close relationships? I say it's their emotions and reasoning. When it comes down to it, that is what makes a sincere and lasting bond. When you feel the same that is when empathy and understanding exist--two of the most important factors of a relationship. Our emotions are fueled by what we see, hear, taste, touch, experience around us. There is a certain artistic enlightenment derived from the land, sky, ocean, beach, mountain, and landscapes and "scenery" in general. Even buildings, cars, technology, tools, furniture, anything really, can have artistic value to it. Typically, no one is going to form a lasting bond over simply a Jeep, knowing the same building, liking the same chair, etc. It's possible, but a lot of other factors are involved. Plus, the reason why these objects would even possibly have artistic or emotional meaning or significance to us is because of our ability to recognize and appreciate art. But if art and creativity were to ever be erased from our world it would be difficult to care about anything, and therefore are capacity to relate and connect with one another would be weak or even lost. Once people lose the ability to connect and unite, they become extremely susceptible to influence and control, and fall apart as a functioning society.

Yesterday's Sunshine.

Yesterday was seriously so beautiful in a multitude of ways.

Not only did I wake up to the most wonderful weather, but I got to wear my Kings of Leon concert tee (which, in retrospect, probably wasn't the best idea since it is black and it was sunny and hot out, but I love it, so it doesn't matter), but also I had a refreshing smoothie, had a good hair day, and got to shoot a lil' film with a friend from my HP literature and film class. I got my mini-tutorial on the light board, which helped, but I am still nervous about the whole thing. So that wasn't the greatest part of my day, but I did get to see Britt and Katie while I was there so that was rather nice.

But the highlight of my day came soon afterward. Heading to my car to drive home to help out at Taylor, I debated with myself for a few moments whether or not to quickly go back to my dorm to change my shirt/grab my sunglasses. Well, I did and it was the best decision I made all week. I was pleasantly surprised by that someone. There was a great conversation, not deep or meaningful or personal or anything, but it was light, simple, fun, friendly. Sometimes those are the best kind. I don't know what all of it meant, if anything, but I hope it is a sign of good things to come, big or small.

It was one of those moments, even one of those days, that seemed...familiar somehow. Almost like a memory. When I have moments like that I feel connected to something--the universe, the cosmos, fate, whatever you want to call it. Like everything was in sync that today and what was meant or supposed to happen did. It's nearly impossible to put into words, but I am sure that whenever I look back and read this I will know the feeling/sensation I am talking about. I felt like I was on the right path yesterday and I was rewarded for my attitude and efforts. Seems strange and maybe even a stretch, but it couldn't have been a stronger feeling than that.

It just felt really good to be alive yesterday. A lot of memories were made that day and they all gave me good feelings in one way or another. Even my moment of anger.

I think that it's days like yesterday, moments like yesterday's, that make it all worth it. Going through months of winter, rain, and struggle and then to be rewarded with a perfectly spectacular day like that, is probably one of the greatest feelings possible and I'm so happy I got to experience it.

Confession

It's kinda crazy how fast my heart was beating earlier today, anxiously waiting to see you. Ididn't realize just how much I missed seeing you until then. You fascinate me and I want to get to know you.

That's all.