I've never felt more emotionally unstable in my life. And I've never had people be upset with me for being an emotional person. Especially not my friends, especially not my best friend. I've never had someone essentially tell me that we can't get along and that she won't want to be around me if I'm so emotional. I've never had someone look down on me for caring, for being hurt. Not until tonight. Not until tonight have I ever felt like I have to pretend my personality isn't there and pretend everything is okay and be happy and bubbly for my friends to be able to tolerate my presence.
These are the people I love. These are the people that I would lay my life down for. These are the people that I am terrified of being separated from after school.
I've never had a friend insinuate such negative attributes of myself- one who looked me straight in the eyes as I cried and poured my heart out and only had a cold, emotionless, blank expression to express in return. This is my best friend. She's supposed to be my best friend.
Everything is different. School is different. Drama is different. My friends are different. My best friend is different. And I am still the same, only more broken.
I don't know where to go from here. I'm a ship with no sail. Defeated, lost, desperate.
I want to not react this way, with hopelessness and despair. I want to react with determination and desire to make this into a positive thing, to make this into something that changes everything but for the better. I want happiness without the hidden pain. Even numbness would be satisfactory at this moment. Maybe if I didn't feel anything at all, then I could make my friends and the people around me happier. Maybe I just need to live a lie like everyone else.
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