April as a whirlwind.

There is so much going on lately and I feel overwhelmed. I have my ups and downs, but what's weird is that I feel just a constant tension in my body all day and I'm not really sure what there is to do about it. It seems that at this point all I can really do is somehow attempt patience and ride this month out and let what will be, be.

I'm spending so much time trying to keep it all together, be professional, not let my guard down, not let anyone down, especially myself, that I haven't been able to let go and free myself at all. I'm not giving myself the opportunity for catharsis and I really don't know how or when I would do that either. But I feel stuck. Stuck between my responsibilities and my emotional and philosophical well-being.

I want to be responsible, but I want to practice the life I want to live. And I want to explore the connection and relationship I've been developing, but the room for that is slim to none in my life right now, which is frustrating.

As per usual lately Miller has been bringing up and discussing all the right things at the right time in class and it gives me guidance and something to focus on and learn from throughout this process lately.

Nothing is a difficult thing to do. And nothing is what I need to do right now. I have responsibilities, but I need to relinquish my control and my hand in the matters. I can't fix things or make them happen. I can only live and act as I so choose. I must master myself, before things can take their course properly outside of me.

That's an extremely hard thing to practice. I'm getting better at that, though, I believe. I still don't know how to not let my rooted fears affect me so much. I try to find artistic inspiration and expose myself and learn from others' work, but I can't get the thought out of my head of: what if I'm not good enough to create something like that? I think that's my biggest fear with filmmaking right now, is the doubt of me actually having any talent for it. I'm scared to try it and I'm worried that I'm going to find out that I can't do it. I don't know how I'd handle that. Clearly, I'll never know until I try, but still. It's a really intimidating step to take when it's such a significant part of who I am and fuels me as a passion.