Am I the only one?

I really hope it's not just me who has a problem with looking some people in the eyes. I feel like it takes a lot of effort and time with a person before I can or even try to. I seem to go into a mini panic--afraid that they're going to see through me or read my mind or something. Obviously they can't. But it freaks me out every time. I don't like the idea of being exposed or judged or my privacy being invaded, at all. I suppose this is part of what makes me come off so skittish, nervous, and awkward at times. There's not really anything I can do about it, since it's just a reflex, but it's something I've become more and more aware of lately and figured I would just point it out. So yeah, there it is.

A lot of things, all in one.

I'm not exactly sure how to describe the past week or so. My moods have been all over the place lately. There's been a lot of stress, but some spontaneous nearly perfect days in between. No surprise that those nearly perfect days were spent with my friends from school. Adam visiting was great, going to Suzanne's was fun, hanging with the gang was a good distraction. Katie's birthday party was a night to remember, too. It's been nice having those moments/nights to make all this stress, responsibility, and fear more bearable. I still feel like something is missing. Honestly, I don't know if that feeling will ever go away. I just wish I knew what to do about it.

I miss the excitement I felt every day not knowing what or who the day would have in store for me. NKU and everyone there always had a way of surprising me and affecting me and my life in ways I didn't expect. Home is the same record over and over again. I've been really bitter and cynical about home, but I had a little reminder of one thing I love about home. Sometimes it's the little things like being able to roll down my windows and listen to music in the warm sunlight--driving along our infamously winding 'country' roads.

There's so much that I want to do and be. It makes me miss the place and the people that made me feel like possibility and opportunity were at my fingertips. In world where people believed in me. Right now I feel like I'm in a world where I'm inadequate and I can't do anything right. I just wish I had someone by my side. Someone to help make everything make sense and help me understand me. Someone that I could devote some of my time and energy to. I have a lot of affection and passion to share and no one to share it with, at least not in the way I need to. And for the past couple of months, that has been really difficult to deal with. It's not easy feeling alone and unwanted/unneeded.

A lot of the confidence I had started to establish in the last couple of months is slowly disappearing. I feel repulsive. My outer appearance doesn't match up with who I am on the inside and that makes me sad and insecure. I just wish I knew what to do about it. I want so badly to lose weight, but I don't know how and when to have the time. I guess I feel insecure about feeling insecure--insecure about needing to lose weight. I know that seems kinda silly. It's just strange how I have such strong convictions and confidence in my opinions and knowledge and heart, but not my appearance or personality. I guess I just want someone to believe I'm good enough so that maybe I will, too. I want to be the girl that doesn't need to change for anyone or even herself, because she is so comfortable and proud of who she is that she doesn't feel the need to. But I'm not. And that's just one more thing for me to hate about myself.

Just like I hate how I have to expose all my deepest thoughts and feelings in this blog instead of to someone because I don't have anyone. Pretty much the only person I feel comfortable truly opening up  to is Racquel, and the opportunity just doesn't come around as often as it used to.

Looks like it's going to be just me, this blog, OTH, and 3 a.m. for a while.

Done with bitterness.

I really hate being bitter about so many things. Mostly about all the expectations I had that were never met. About all the things I wanted that I never got or that never happened. I'm bitter because my brother is not around and never was. I'm bitter because they didn't apologize. I'm bitter because I've never had that one perfect moment. I'm bitter because people ignore and refute truth. I'm bitter because of so many things and that's no way to live. I just don't know how to let all of these things go and get the weight off of me.

I need distractions so badly. That's why I love school and campus, because they each give me something to focus on besides everything whirling around in my head 24/7. I don't want to be thinking about all of this all of the time. It's exhausting.

Being home just brings everything to the surface and I just want to be as far away from it all as possible, otherwise it wears me down and out.

I return.

It's seems that it has been a while since I've posted on here. This is mostly due to the fact of being on Tumblr so often. I tried getting used to opening up on there, where people and my friends can actually read it, but I'm still not comfortable with it. Every time I do post something personal, I either go back and delete it or make it private. I just can't seem to let go and let everything out without constantly worrying about how people are going to interpret it or what they are going to think of me after they read it.

Just in general I've been realizing how focused and worried I am about how others perceive me. One moment I don't give a fuck at all and then the next I'm stressing out regretting something I said or did or didn't say or do. This isn't really something new for me, but it's still rather prevalent at the moment.

I've been pretty insecure lately, especially about this stage management job. I think I got too ahead of myself and I'm not quite ready for this, but there's no opportunity to back out now. I'm stuck. I know it will happen and eventually the whole situation will be over, but it's everything in the meantime that is freaking me out. I know that I'm not ready for this, but I'm hired and there's nothing I can do about it. The only thing I can do is try to do the best I can and make the best impression possible, but I feel like I'm barely treading water here. I have the slightest clue how to handle all of this and I'm basically going to be making it up as I go along.

But it's not even so much that I'm afraid of not succeeding. I know I will find a way to get things done, even if it may be a rough way there. It's more so that I'm afraid of what everyone will think of me--the cast, the crew, my boss, my peers. I'm afraid of seeming like a fool, especially when I already feel like one.

I haven't been this terrified in a long time and it's not helping my demeanor any. I've already been extremely on edge since moving back home. I hate being here. I miss school and my friends and my independence. Though, I love my mother to death, she is suffocating and frustrating at times--the rest of the family, as well. We're such different people and it's always chaotic and dissonant whenever we have to deal with each other. No one knows how to truly communicate with each other anymore, and no one has ever known how to open up.

No one in my family understands me. I know every teenager as said that once in their lifetime and probably way more than that, but it doesn't make the statement any less true. They really don't understand me. That's why I miss having people around me that for that most part do. At least then, I can have some peace of mind thanks to their company. Without them, though, all of this stress and responsibility is absolutely miserable.

All in all, I just feel lost right now. But I haven't been able to figure out why.

Tonight I thought of one possibility. I was thinking about Grandpa and how close we were compared to everyone else. And about how highly he thought of me. Then I realized that that explains a lot. All I want is to feel that way again--to be the favorite, be special, mean the most to someone. My entire life I've been struggling between trying to matter and never feeling like I'm good enough. And then there were points in my life where I thought I finally was the favorite, was special, and did mean the most. First with Grandpa, then Racquel, Robbie, Sammy, Taylor, Mr. Raver, Staley, Heisel, etc. But it always seemed to turn out that I wasn't. I lost people or got replaced. I'm sure this makes me sound needy and desperate, but honestly I just want to feel close to someone and not get them and that feeling ripped away from me.

I am independent and I don't need someone 24/7, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't want someone.

I want work to distract me from all this emotional and personal stuff going on with me right now--feeling alone and missing everyone, and never knowing how to deal with my family. But when work is part of the issue, life gets a lot more complicated, confusing, and stressful.

Once again I have talked myself through a circle, so I suppose I should stop here considering I practically wrote a novel, too.

There's just a lot going on right now and I am completely lost as to how to take care of it all.

A line of truth.

It's kinda funny how I know exactly what I want for my life and the people in it, but not how to get it. I'm just too scared and I hate that.

Irony haunts me.

I find it really strange how after I pull back and let go of all hopes and expectations, I finally get what I want. The moment I give up on some people and on some things happening, then they do. I'm not complaining, but it just makes life really difficult. It's like I go through days or ever a week or so of turmoil, trying to figure out how to deal with things and gain a different perspective and attitude and then that something that I was waiting for happens.

Then again, at the same time, there are things that I have wanted for so long that never unfolded. The prime example: my brother finally stepping up. At this point, I give up on that ever happening. That's old news really.

But these more recent developments have me all confused. I basically told myself that everything that I wanted to mean something, in reality, didn't mean anything. All just casual, normal. And while I still believe that, I can't help but be comforted by the fact that this time he reached out to me, brought me into his private world. Even as friends, that means something.

However, despite all of this, I have decided that I'm not going to let little things influence me anymore. I am sticking to what is within my control and what is necessary for me to do. Despite what I want, I have responsibilities and now is the time to start paying attention to them again.

A long, long walk.

Some instinct or impulse stirred in me tonight and it took me on a late night walk. I just walked around campus, listening to music, letting my thoughts flow, and enjoying the fresh air. I needed time to myself and purely myself. It was extremely relaxing, but it was difficult to bring myself back to the dorm.

I came back and felt drawn to my Buddhist book. I wandered back outside and sat down in the eye and started reading. I am sure I seemed strange just sitting there that late at night as it was getting colder, reading a book of all things. It was one of those times, I just didn't care, though. I was so focused and centered in my own thoughts, everything and everyone else sort of drowned out.

It was interesting, though, to witness everyone come and go, to see what happens outside while I'm typically closed up in my dorm. I like watching people, studying them. I just find them fascinating. I find myself curious about their worlds, how they are the same as or differ from mine.

I had some visitors that caught me off guard. I had been in my own world for so long at that point that I didn't know how to respond. I felt judged and I realized I just need to let go. Of a lot of things. I'm not going to sit and wait for things to get better or worse. I'm just going to do what I need to do and that's it.

I need to stop caring about everything and everyone, especially considering it's all rarely reciprocated. My focus needs to be on only the rational, the logical, the necessary. And I need to stop trying to control every bit of my life. I'm reaching one of those points where I have to stop and reconfigure my approach and attitude.

Stop hoping and just be.