Thoughts from rehearsal last night.

"This is what I hate about having a period of happiness, pure contentment. I hate that it can't last. I know that it can't, of course, but the ordinary hits so much harsher after bliss. Sometimes I wonder if it is all in my mind--that I make things up or interpret things a certain way in order to make myself happy. One day I want it to be real and to know that it is real. For once, I want that kind of certainty in my life. I feel like I deserve at least that.

I want more than anything to find that with someone--someone to inspire me every day with a little bit of happiness and let me do the same for them. I've finally found someone I want that with and with whom I think it could actually work. I just don't know how to make it happen.

I've never been the type of girl to give even a second though to Valentine's Day or even relationships in general; however, this year I have thought about it. I feel like I'm honestly ready for a relationship, even a fling or whatever. Without my best friends around all the time, I could really enjoy having someone to share my thoughts, feelings, and time with. Not only wanting, but also being ready for a relationship and not know what to do about it, is extremely difficult. "

I just feel like I feel everything to one extreme or another. I can't just be mildly sad or mildly happy. Maybe not all the time is it this way, but fairly often. And I don't know whether that is a good thing or not...?

And I'm to the point where I really just want someone to be mine, to have that person that is loyal and connected and honest with me. I want a partner in this life. It doesn't have to be forever and I doubt anything ever will be that way, but I don't know, someone just would be nice.

As such a logical and reasonable person I get caught up in my emotions so easily and I just wish I knew how to control them. I guess when it comes down to it, all I want is to be happy. But I would really like for that one person to be here to help me with that.

I need to be patient, I guess, and just see where things go from here.

Yesterday.

I don’t think I truly realized how much I have changed in the last couple months, especially since college, until yesterday. I have noticed changes with my inner self throughout, but I guess I never really saw a distinguishable point between who I was and who I am presently. And I just thought I was noticing a change because of being me. Now knowing that someone else sees the change in me, too, it makes it more real to me, I suppose. Thankfully, it seems to be a change for the better.

Talking with J again was such a, for lack of a better word, different experience compared to all the conversations I had with him in high school. Quite honestly, I am rather embarrassed about the way I reacted to my troubles then and how I told them to him. He had just always cared about what happened to me and how I felt, which was something I didn’t feel from many, if any, others at the time. I was extremely childish, sensitive, and—I hate admitting it—naive. Last year was the hardest year of my life and I was miserable throughout most of it. Somehow I got through it and I moved on and found a way to let it all go and now I’m in a better, healthier, and happier place because of it.

Sometimes I still have my doubts, though, about whether or not I am truly growing, maturing, and becoming the person I want to be. Hearing J say that I looked physically happier and that he could see a difference in me and improvement was rather surreal. I’m not sure if I have the words to describe it. But the fact that he could see that within the first five minutes of talking to him really meant a lot to me.

I wasn’t as nervous as I normally am talking with him either. I guess I feel less inferior now. Talking with him and Senor made me realize how much I miss just talking about my thoughts and feelings with someone. I’ve been so busy that I think I forget to express myself. Right now, I feel like I don’t have people to be this open and honest with, since all of the people I can do so with are away.

Maybe that’s why I felt compelled to write all of this here. Because I just wanted to tell my story, even if no one will hear it.

Feels good to have my heart race.

Can I please just rant here about my current fascination? I can't remember the last time I have felt this way--full of excitement and nerves and totally captivated by a person. I don't know if there is any real possibility of a friendship or anything more than that, but I am happy about feeling this way.

Just knowing that there is such a person that likes the things I like, and thinks the way I do, and has a similar humor, but is still very different from me is reassuring and pleases me. It gives me hope that it is possible to find these traits in someone. Whether anything will come of this, I do not know. But this definitely does restore my hope for finding the right someone, eventually. As for right now, I am appreciating and respecting this new acquaintance.

I can't seem to find the appropriate and best fitting words to explain how good it feels to feel this. I have focused so much on school and work and my professional/adult self lately and not enough on my emotional/young self. This person, among other contributing factors, have inspired that in me and I am grateful.

But I will admit, that I do wish for something more to come out of it, for, I truly enjoy this feeling.

Quick post before bed.

While Elizabeth is blow drying her hair, I figured I would quickly type up my realization and therefore current frustration with myself. I have thought this a few times in the past month or so, but it really has been becoming clear to me lately. I've realized how arrogant I come off sometimes, especially when working. I know that part of it is that I'm just trying to get things done and I know an efficient or productive way of doing things and I enforce it, which is fine. Though, sometimes I am insecure about that, I do know that most of the time it is understandable and necessary.

However, the way I talk about things sometimes I feel like I am coming off like I'm bragging. Nick's been teasing me lately about NKU here and there and I'm not necessarily bothered by him teasing me, I'm bothered by the fact that I gave him something to tease me about. Because, clearly I have made statements like, "At NKU we have...", "We did it this way when...", and so and so forth. And though, I only mentioned it informatively, or casually, but after I say it I hear how it could seem like I'm being pompous, which I don't want to be or even appear to be at all. I hate people like that and I don't want to be one of them.

It's just strange, because here at school I am so quiet and humble and I do things when I am told and that's about it. But back in the THS scene, I become more authoritative. I think part of it is being comfortable with the people there, knowing them and the system so well and the fact that I am now older than all of them. I feel more like an equal with Allison, Bret, and Nick than I do with the professors in the theatre department, which is natural at this point. I really hope that my letting such statements slip is just a result of the more familiar atmosphere and not that I subconsciously I think that I'm above them. I don't want to believe that I could be vain, but then again I am human. It's a part of nature at times.

I do know that I want to make a conscious effort of not making statements like this anymore and keeping my humility while still getting my job done and getting the most of the learning experience.

Chamber of Secrets Novel Blog

This might seem strange to you all, because it seems strange to me, too, but technically this is the first time I have read Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets all the way through. I think I might have finished it in second grade when I first started reading it, but I didn't remember any of the last quarter of it until I saw the movie. I tried to read it a second time years later and couldn't get past the Deathday Party chapter. After reading it again, I can't help but laugh and shake my head at my head at myself now because it just seems ludicrous that I never finished it. I would like to emphasize, however, that my not reading it wasn't a reflection of it's value or integrity as a good novel. I enjoy the story of the second one much more than the first.

In general, I actually think that the second book improved in the story sense from the first, though. It seemed that in the Sorcerer's Stone a lot more scenes and instances that were not necessarily related to the plot were written. Despite the entertainment or informational value of them, they didn't necessarily move the plot along. For, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, nearly every scene eventually proves to aid plot development and bring the characters closer to solving the mystery of the Chamber and all its secrets and perils.

The mystery of the Chamber, I think is one of the most interesting ideas that Rowling comes up with throughout the series, though there are so many. As well, I think it sets the beginning of a tone and atmosphere that she creates and maintains for the rest of the series. The Sorcerer's Stone opens our eyes to this awe-inspiring world through Harry's. Though, it had it's darker elements, I think in Chamber of Secrets is the first time the idea starts hitting harder home that, "Wow, the Wizarding world has seen some dark and evil times and could again." It's the first glimpse past the fascination to the darker reality. Like I said, I think Sorcerer's Stone had this in it toward the end, too, but I think a stronger impression of it is made in Chamber of Secrets.

Despite it being a smaller part of the novel, one of my favorites is the scene where Harry overhears other students talking about him. I personally found it very interesting to get that perspective of Harry from other people's view. For the most part readers understand that the Gryffindors typically support Harry, and the Slytherins despise him, but hearing students from other houses and just other students in general was intriguing. This is true, especially considering that these other students don't know or see everything that we are exposed to in Harry's point of view. That's why I think it's neat to see how one my interpret Harry's actions and personality from an explicitly outsider's point of view.

My one wish for the novel would be to know more in full detail what Ginny wrote in the diary and the struggle she went through, even what it felt like to have part of Tom Riddle's soul in her own. The book reveals a great deal more than the movie, but even that bit of it in the book made me want to know more about that situation and to get to know Ginny better as a character.

Upon finishing the book, I looked at the accolades for the first Harry Potter book on the back inside cover of the hardback edition and one of them caught my attention. From School Library Journal, "Surely the vilest household in children's literature since the family Roald Dahl created for Matilda. Harry himself is the perfect confused and unassuming hero." I really like what this says, one, because it's true, and two, because it made me realize the similarities the two author's have in their style of writing.

Questions

1. Regarding the possibility of Dobby being a JarJar Binks type character: do you think that Dobby is a successful use of that sort of stereotype or not? (I apologize for the wording of this question, I struggled with how best to phrase it.)

2. If you could make polyjuice potion, who would you want to turn into for an hour?

Sunday's Miscellaneous Thoughts (On Monday)

I don't know what it is, but lately all I want to do is blog. Record all my thoughts and feelings down. The more I post, the more I want to, it's kinda strange. I guess, I'm getting rather attached to this because it's the one place where I can be fully honest and not worry about other people at all. I don't tell anyone about this, just for the reason--so that all this information stays private--but sometimes I wish people knew what I wrote. Maybe if they read some of this, they would know me better. I don't know. All in all, though, I think I'd rather it stay private. That way I can keep this little "sanctuary" of mine.

A lot of opportunities have come my way already this semester and I am very excited about them. But it just gets me thinking a lot about the future. I just wish I knew how my life turned out. It's just frustrating when I want two lifestyles that don't necessarily mesh well together. I know I shouldn't and don't need to plan out my future, but I just want to be prepared. Prepared and ready and able to recognize when the right path comes my way. I don't want to miss it and wind up regretting it later on.

Some quick mentions of various stuff from the last couple of days: found someone I'm interested in, Season 9 of One Tree Hill started, Matt got hired by a recording artist to play bass, Skyped with Alison for hours, went to Diana's dance store, started the Farnsworth Invention, had dinner with Sarah, the Golden Globes, lunch with Kim tomorrow. Just some things to remember.

HP and the Sorcerer's Stone Blog for Blackboard

Watching the Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone was a bit like going back in time for me. It brought back a lot of memories for me about the series itself, about the movies, and about myself. This was the first Harry Potter movie I have watched since seeing the final one in theaters, so with the end rather fresh in my mind and then going all the way back to the beginning made for an intriguing experience and it hit me once again just how much the story relates and parallels my own life.

When the first book was published I was eleven years old, the same age as Harry. Since then, with every year, I have grown with these characters as they grow. Therefore, when watching the movie I couldn't help but be reminded of a smaller, younger version of myself. Curious, a little insecure, excited to learn, naive, but with a good heart.

With any given time of reflection, retrospect, or hindsight, one sees and realizes things that might not have been so obvious at first or when it was happening. While watching the movie I began picking up on a lot of stuff that during any previous viewings of the movie, I would not have normally noticed or given a lot of thought or that were reinforced in my mind.

For instance, in general I think it is very clear that Christopher Columbus did the best job out of all the directors to stay true to the book, which I think is vitally important for any book, but especially for a series, because he essentially had the responsibility of establishing the world of Harry Potter as everyone had seen in through the books and as everyone would see it from then onward as the other books and movies were released. He did a wonderful job of capturing the world and the people, in my opinion. But, I think part of why he was more successful with this was because he directed for the shortest books. With less text to reference and include, he had more room to be creative.

It's difficult for me not to reiterate a lot of what has been mentioned and discussed on here because I agree with and noticed a lot of it as well. I will add, however, one disappointment I have with the movie, which happens to deal with one of the few things that wasn't included in the movie as it was in the book, but adapted and done differently. I'm speaking about the scene where Harry overhears Snape and Quirrell. The dialogue is different, and even more different is the setting in which this conversation takes place. I understand why this scene and the scene with the mirror take place at the same time, for cinematic purposes, but I think it's more intriguing and places more suspicion on the characters with how it is written in the book.

The majority of my thoughts and commentary toward Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone are about the book, so I will refrain from discussing them just yet. I would like to end with my favorite scene from the book and movie which is the scene with the Mirror of Erised. As far as it's relation to Harry as a character/human being, I think it is a heartbreaking moment where his loneliness and yearning for love and family is extremely palpable and is a moment where the audience becomes ultimately attached to him and his story. At least, that was the case for me. Cinematically, I think it is a beautiful visual and one of my favorites from the whole series.

Thus, my first question to you all is:

What is your favorite scene in the first movie and why? Is it because of the writing, the visual, the characters, or something else?

My second:

...?