Two in One.

Why is it so difficult for me to say some things and not others? Why is it so difficult for me to be honest about some things and not others?

I often feel like my personality is composed of two polar opposite and different people. One minute I am shy and can't find the words to explain myself and then the next I am ranting passionately, with confidence and conviction, without hesitation.

I want and am two totally and mutually exclusive people at the same time and it makes for a fair inner struggle.

I never know which person to be. Or which one I want to be for that matter.

Records to buy on vinyl.

1. Foster the People, Torches

2. Patty Griffin

3. Radiohead, All

4. Gotye, Making Mirrors

5. Bon Iver

6. Stars

7. Noisettes, Wild Young Hearts

8. La Rocca, The Truth

A fresh start. And a good one.

And so the spring semester has begun and so far so good. I have only completely my second day of the new semester, but so far I have a good feeling about the next couple of months. There was an amazing energy on campus with everyone returning. I reunited with all my Theatre friends like we were never separated in the first place.

We all met up for lunch in the Student Union and ate up in the Kitchenette on the third floor, randomly. It was fun, though. We ended up relocating to the long booths by Outtakes. Everyone left for lab though so I hung out with Jordan for a bit. A little while later everyone came over to my dorm for dinner. We had rotisery (sp?) chicken and mashed potatoes from Kroger which were beyond delicious. Applied for housing, as well, and played Apples to Apples. It was a very enjoyable first day back.

I mention these seeming insignificant happenings because because of them I felt happy yesterday. I have been trapped in my own little bubble and world for the past three weeks, which makes me self-destruct a bit. It feels good to be around people again and to be jumping back into doing all the things I love.

Other than reuniting with my friends, the classes even seem like they are going to be interesting and relatively fun for the rest of the semester, so I look forward to them. My jazz appreciation class has the potential to be incredibly awesome and relatively challenging at the same time, but for now I think it will be a good challenge. Chris McCandless lookalike is in my class, which is amusing to me, as well, as a young child. No way he is older than 13. I find that intriguing. The professor has a fascinating mind and intellect and way of looking at things. I feel like I am going to like him as a teacher. And of course all my film classes will be wonderful, if not just by the fact that they require me to watch films. Kristin's class definitely has the potential to be very fun. I think I like the vast majority of the people in there which is relieving. I think makeup will be the most boring, but the professor has a very captivating personality.

I had lunch with Allie today. I enjoyed catching up with her. It should be fun having a class together. I also showed a guy to Griffin Hall today. We had a pleasantly casual conversation on the way. I was surprised with how comfortably I spoke with a stranger. Normally, I get nervous and never know what to say. I don't know, it was one of those brief moments where I felt like an adult. Just in the sense of being collected and able to relate with a perfect stranger. It's difficult to explain. I didn't really feel like myself today. But in a good way. I guess, really I just didn't feel like how I've felt for the past couple weeks. Which is definitely a good thing.

I don't know what it is about the environment here or in college in general, but it makes me feel like such a happier, evolved person. More prepared, independent. All around I just feel more comfortable as a person here. It's a good feeling. I think I've hit and possibly surpassed an appropriate quota for using the word "good" in a post. This is ridiculous.

In other news, I think I have found another possible stage management opportunity with a community theatre. I like when I feel like some of the "pieces" are coming together for me.

I don't normally post about stuff like this, but I figured that maybe I should post about stuff like this more. I mean, for one, just to document some of the day to day stuff that goes on with me. To be able to look back and remember this day, as a good day. It doesn't have to be especially happy or especially sad, sometimes just a simple, good memory is enough. I need to remind my self of good, normal days. To appreciate every day for what it is and for what it can bring to my life and to my perspective.

Tell Me What It Takes.

Today, I don't just feel utterly alone, but I realize that in many ways I actually am utterly alone right now. All my friends are back at college. My "best friend" hasn't spoken to me in nearly a month. And to be frank, is too caught up in herself to be there for me, and I think I can finally admit that that has truly been the case for a long time now. I'm still not very close to my parents. Not emotionally, anyway. My dad is so clueless to the actual reality of my world, which isn't completely his fault. And Mom...I don't know, it is difficult to explain. She is witness to nearly every aspect of my life and yet somehow can never understand my world. Can never understand me. And even if she could, I need someone outside of my family to rely on, from whom to seek comfort, advice, joy. And then it is beyond clear that my brother is completely emotionally unavailable to me. I mean, I can go months without speaking to him or seeing him, so that pretty much speaks for itself. I love my friends at school, but we still barely know each other. I mean, it can still be difficult for me to open up to the people I have known for nearly 14 years, let alone people I have only known for a couple months. Lately, I feel like this blog is the only thing I can talk to. And though it does help me getting my thoughts and feelings out in the "open," there is still something more divine about opening those thoughts and feelings to a person.

Now, just for sake of confirmation, know that for once I'm not writing this at 4 am in the morning, crying like a basket case. I just ache a little tonight.

All of this just makes me think of how much I have lost. My mind seems to always revert to junior year and how alive I felt then. How satisfied with life I was. And how, with the exception of some struggles academics wise, everything seemed to somehow work out for me. I was getting and exploring a lot of the things I always wanted or wondered about and that was thrilling for me. My life now still has it's thrills, but I still feel broken from everything that happened senior year. I lost people who inspired me and colored my world. I lost my lifestyle. I lost myself. And though I have gained bits and pieces of the first two, the third has been quite a struggle.

I just wish I knew what it is going to take to get that fulfillment back. That happiness.

I don't want the mistake to be made that I don't appreciate my life and everything I have been given and that I am lucky to have. Because I know how fortunate my life is in so many ways. I guess, it's just that I know that life has so much to offer and I want to experience so much and feel life to the fullest.

I don't want to miss out.

That's my biggest fear. I'm afraid that I'm going to miss out on all the wonderful and even the wonderfully difficult things in life. Like falling in love, having/raising a family, seeing the world, a job. And even things more simple than that. I just feel like I'm behind. I mean some kids slack in school. They don't learn how to read until fifth grade, or don't take algebra until junior or senior year. But I am slacking life. I've never been on a date. Never been kissed. Never been asked out. Never had a job. I've already missed out on so many things since my parents divorced and the rest of my family is so distant. I know it's selfish to feel like I deserve more, but I'm a good person aren't I? Can't I have those normal pleasures? Those common joys?

What am I doing wrong? And what can I do to change it? I keep trying to figure out ways to make it all happen. A lot of times I argue that I don't take enough of an active role in my life. But then it seems like every time I take that leap, that chance, nothing happens. I'm pessimistic and I know that, but I just can't help it.

I just refuse to believe I don't deserve to have my dreams made.

Calming the noise with a song.

I can't even find the words to describe how it feels to find a song that calms the noise in my world and in my head. Tonight and for the past couple of days it has been Heart by Annie Stela. Other days it's Who Knows Who Cares by Local Natives. And the other, other days it is different songs. But each time I find one of these songs, a piece of my heart goes with them and gladly. I know that my heart is safe in these songs.

Heart

Hallelujah, the spring is bringing bombs of purple on the street
I walk the dog and I crush them with my feet
Oh, the morning
The sun too bright and the moon not bright enough
I got nothing new to say except I think I’ve had enough

I don’t believe you when you tell me I’m a good girl

There must be a heart that keeps me here
Away from the panic and the fear
There must be a heart that keeps me here

Did I break you?
I really did not think it could be done
And suddenly the cards had all been played and I had won
So where is the good feeling?
Where is the lighting up?
Where are the thousand voices screaming, telling me this is enough?

I don’t believe you when you tell me I’m a good girl

There must be a heart that keeps me here
Away from the panic and the fear
There must be a heart that keeps me here

Oh, everyday and ordinary, does it make me happy?
Does it curl beneath the surface of my skin
Will I let it in?

There must be a heart that keeps me here
Away from the panic and the fear
There must be a heart that keeps me here

A strand of possibility.

I spend the majority of my days being scared of the future. Feeling lonely. Inferior. Wanting so much for my life and for myself, but afraid that I'll never have that dream. Yet, somehow I still hold onto a small strand of hope that maybe one day it will all be worth it. The crying, and the worry. That one day it will all make sense. I guess I'm just holding onto the possibility of a good ending. And hopefully a happy one, too.

That strand makes each day worth living.

2012: a New Year.

The ball has dropped. Actually, that was three hours ago, but either way, it is now officially a new year. 2011 carried a lot of my favorite and happiest memories. There were a great deal of low moments, but nothing completely awful. It was a year of growth for me. A year of recovery. 2010 ended with a lot of pain. I didn't think I would ever feel better after everything that went down that December. I still haven't fully let go of the pain either, but now I carry it differently. I look at it now as something that I survived, that I overcame. To me, it is something that I had to go through in order to get to something better, in order for me to be better as a person.

I miss my life with those people. I miss the way I felt then, about life and about myself. I felt so alive then. I felt like I was actually experiencing life, taking risks and exploring different things, really living. Doing all the crazy things that we did, I felt like I was a part of something. I felt connected to these people through our adventures. I admired, and still do admire, all of them for the characteristics they have that I wish I did. With them, I felt more like them. More like the person I always wished I could be.

I was hopeful, that maybe the person I wished to be was actually possible. That I didn't have to forever be the smart, responsible, 'innocent'. I could be witty and fun. I could live on the edge a bit and do things that are technically wrong, but just to do them. To be a teenager and live recklessly while I could afford to. But once December 2010 reared its ugly head, I fell apart. My whole life I was living through one half of me. The other half hadn't been explored yet. Junior year and the beginning Senior year I was able to do that. When I was around that group of people, I felt whole. I felt like both halves of me were satisfied. And then I lost it again. I lost my friends and I lost half of me. A fitting quote comes to mind: "Lose one friend. Lose all friends. Lose yourself." That's pretty much what happened to me. It was the second worst thing to ever happen to me, and the second hardest thing to deal with. My grandpa's death being the first.

One year later and here I am. I've graduated high school. Travelled throughout Europe. Finished my first semester of college. Being hired as a stage manager for a local and popular theater. Made a lot of new friends along the way. I've had a lot to be happy about. But still, I feel partially empty. Vacant. Unoccupied. I'm still searching to find what will fill that void. Maybe I can find it in 2012, somewhere along the way. I don't know what this year has in store for me, but I dearly hope for some happiness. I look forward to the day when I feel whole again. The day when my two halves meet.

I'm not big on the whole resolutions aspect of the New Year, but I will say this. I would like to lose weight and become healthier. I would like for my family to be closer and actually act like a family. I would like to continue doing well in school and working toward an academic future and career. I would like some unforgettable experiences. I would like for so many things to come my way, but I know that all things when the time is right/how they should.

Show me what you got, 2012. Sláinte.