To-Read List.

1. We the Animals by Justin Torres

2. You Deserve Nothing by Alexander Maksik

3. Open City by Teju Cole

4. Leaving the Atocha Station by Ben Lerner

5. The Borrower by Rebecca Makkai

6. The Family Fang by Kevin Wilson

7. Ten Thousand Saints by Eleanor Henderson

Family matters.

I have so much on my mind right now and it's all flooding out in tears. I can't stop crying. I just think of everything that I hope for and how I never quite reach it. Ever. I know I have a big heart. And I try to express my love as compassionately as possible toward people, try to make them as happy as possible. I know I won't always receive it back. That's just natural. But I would like to think that from time to time, my family would try, too. No. My family doesn't know how to express or show their love. My family is stale. I am a passionate and emotional human being and being around them makes me feel like I'm drying up under a hot sun. I don't feel anything from them and that is extremely difficult to deal with.

I remember a thought that I had when I was little and my parents had just begun the process of being divorce. Our family was splitting up, well my parents were, and I just remember thinking "well, maybe this means Mom, Matt, and me will get closer." That didn't happen. It doesn't matter if we're under the same roof, different roofs, or no roof at all. No matter what, we're all apart. We don't think, do, or feel anything together. That's all I want is to be together, really together. Not just bodies in a room.

It depresses me to believe that that's never going to happen. We're never going to connect. They're never going to feel like I do, or love like I do. That sounds beyond arrogant. And I seem unbelievable selfish.

I just want my family to want me, too. I don't feel safe with them. I feel trapped, ignored sometimes.

None of this sounds the way that it does in my head. It makes more sense in my head. Of course.

I don't know how to explain how I am feeling, or why I feel this way. All I can say is I want a family. I want a family who supports me, loves me, protects me, inspires me, encourages me, talks with me, believes in me. Not one that just exists. They are my family, but I want them to BE family.

I thought this would help more, but it really hasn't. I'll just stop wasting my time and end here.

On my Atheism Soapbox.

I should probably be writing my paper instead of typing this blog, but alas I am not. Something struck me last night when I was talking with my mother. I just finished my short film for my Acting I final and wanted to show it to her. The entire process has been extremely frustrating with her involved. She hasn't been able to wrap her head around how this film gets made. Question after question after question, asking but how can it do that, why do you put it there, what makes the color show, etc., etc. Even after I explained to her all the details I possibly could, in every way I knew how, she still couldn't just accept that the camera would work, and that the film would come out just the way I said it would.

Now what hit me was this: for something so small of thing as camera and film, my mother had to ask a million questions and couldn't just accept what I told her was true. And yet, something so vast and complicated as our universe and the idea of a God, she accepts that and everything that goes along with it so easily. Why do people question all the things that don't necessarily matter in terms of life and death and our beliefs, but not question at all the idea of God when there is so little to support it? I guess I just don't understand why people put so much thought and effort into everyday things and not into the biggest questions of life: where did we come from and where do we go from here?

I question a lot of things. And I question them until I can understand fully or until I get all the answers possible. But I have asked time and time again about God and still I receive no assured answer, no supported answer. I could give 30 pages of support on my Lomokino camera and how and why it works. But no one can do that for God. If you can't even understand the workings and idea behind a silly camera, then how do you suppose you can understand and acknowledge the supposed being and power of a higher power?

This whole topic brings me to another point. A boy in the theatre department at school posted a status today quoting John Updike saying, "Among the repulsions of atheism for me has has been its drastic uninterestingness as an intellectual position. Where was the ingenuity, the ambiguity, the humanity (in the Harvard sense) of saying that the universe just happened to happen and that when we're dead we're dead?" I am extremely tempted to respond with: And where was the ingenuity, the ambiguity, the humanity of saying God did it? At least atheism is supported by millions of years of science, among a great deal else. God is only supported by a book that has been written, re-written, translated, and re-translated for thousands of years by MAN. Stories. The idea of a higher power was created by stories, not fact, truth, nor evidence.

These are the things I think about constantly. I just wish that there were more people around here that understood my thinking. I just wish, too, that people would realize how foolish they really are when it comes to this.

Needed to do something. Needed some soothing. Still do.

I miss the inspiration of my last blog. I'm riding through the dark tunnel of the emotional roller coaster at the moment. Nothing tragic or devastating has happened to me or anyone I care about or anything, I'm just having one of my blue spells. I want so much from life and the people in my own. I know that I can be selfish in that way. But who doesn't want a meaningful relationship with their brother? Who doesn't want their family to get along and enjoy each other's company to the fullest? Who doesn't want people to want them too or even need them, too? I mean, I know that some things just don't change. But it's really difficult for me to accept that this is as good as it gets. That my family will only be as good as it is today. That my brother will only love me as much as he does today. I want more. Typically that desire is called greed, however, I see it more as wanting to reach the fullest potential possible. To not let and piece of me or others go to waste. So that when I die I can say that I loved, cried, laughed, gave, tried, helped, inspired, cared, listened, etc., etc., as deeply and truly as my spirit would allow me.

I'm an emotional wreck 95% of the time. And I know that that is not necessarily a good or healthy thing. But that's all I know how to do--to think and feel. I can't create, so I just react.

I have wonderful people in my life. I couldn't be more grateful for them nor cherish them more and love them more dearly. But I still feel alone nearly all the time. No one quite gets me completely. I think this is why I cling to music, books, quotes, because I find those words or notes that perfectly match me

I feel like my beliefs are a barrier. They stop me from ultimately connecting with people. But when I let go of my beliefs, I let go of me.

I don't know, maybe everything in this world just means too much to me. It's hard for me to find the words, but I am so conflicted all the time. I'm so sad. Not depressed, just sad. Like I'm missing something--something I know is there, but will never come to me.

I think that nothing I say on here actually makes sense or has a point. It all probably lacks meaning completely. It's just as disoriented as I am with my thoughts/feelings.

Sometimes I just need to do something. Somehow this is soothing. Though I don't know why or how.

When in doubt, jump.

I feel overwhelmingly inspired right now. I just finished watching The Human Experience. It's an incredible documentary about two brothers and their friends as the venture to various places in the world and meet all sorts of different people--all in the search for what life means to other people. I've always had this vibrant and uncontrollable passion and desire for life. I try to feel and experience everything as deeply and sincerely as I possibly can. Well, after watching this I feel even more compelled to do so and more compelled to take personal action and initiative toward impacting others lives. I want to see the world and more and importantly meet the people in it. I want that out of body, once in a lifetime, unbelievably moving and life-changing experience. I want to travel. I want go places I've never been before. I want to accomplish something.

I realized that I want to live and not simply focus on all the perceptions and expectations of me or that I think are there. Just live, jumping head first into my dreams. For once in my life I need to take a supreme chance and see where life takes me.

"When in doubt, jump. Figure out how to unfold your wings as you fall."

Two

So I had this friend, Kalyn. Our older brothers were in a band together and were best friends. They shared a passion and talent for music and they really complimented each others' personalities well. Kalyn and I, however, were and still are very much unalike. I'm short, she's tall. She's blonde, I'm brunette. She's good at everything she does, and I always seemed to struggle. She had self-confidence and I just didn't. But the main difference was that she got along with her brother and I did not with mine. So when we were both about 9 or 10 she invited over to spend the night at her house. I was excited, like all little girls are, for a sleepover. We set up a tent in her living room and baked cookies. Afterwards we stayed up late playing video games. Now, I've maybe played five video games in my lifetime and I suck at every single one of them. Well we picked out this motor-cross game that didn't seem too difficult. Once we started playing I didn't seem to be doing too bad. I was ranking up points left and right and actually beating her. She even started asking me for help with some things, so I gave her a few pointers. Kalyn always won, so selfishly I was really proud of the fact that I was winning. It's always an awesome feeling when you surprise yourself and accomplish something you never thought you could. Well, the next morning we started playing the game again and our brothers came out and sat with us while we played and watched. I was excited for the chance to impress my brother and show him how good I was. It seems silly now, but I thought it would change his opinion of me, I guess. I don't know. Well I didn't play very well that morning and Kalyn was racking up all the points instead. I was so confused and embarrassed. Turns out, the night before Kalyn had switched controllers and told me we were different screens. It wasn't me who won the night before, it was her. Our brothers found it hysterical. I did not. I felt like an idiot and I was angry with her for tricking me that way. I really hate dishonest people. That's probably why we're not friends anymore.

Monologue Draft One.

I've always been one to believe that you come upon things for a reason. That song that plays and describes exactly how you feel--it wasn't a just a coincidence. That quote you read online somewhere or those words someone spoke to you that suddenly make everything make sense. It was supposed to be that way. The words that I needed the most came to me in July. I had been reading this book, "It's Easier Than You Think" by Sylvia Boorstein. Her story changed everything for me. See, it all started last December. My best friend abandoned me--just woke up one day and told me I was too emotional to be around. I mean, too emotional? What is that even supposed to mean? What was I supposed to be? A brick!? The funny thing was, that "emotion" I shouldn't have was what let me be her friend for so long. She had been really messing things up with her life, making huge mistakes, treating people decided then that I would never forgive her, actively reminding myself every day of what she did. For once, I was going to stand up for myself and not be the bigger person in give in. I gave up believing that she could be a good person and a good friend. I gave up defending her and thinking she had changed. For almost a year I struggled with this, just despising her existence and wishing she would just be sorry for what she did. I became a brick. At least toward her, anyways. In the book, Boorstein mentions an elderly woman who was so incredibly angry for her whole life that it became an auto-pilot emotion for her. .

Missing something.

All I want is to feel like I'm a part of something. I don't feel like I'm a part of anything right now. I feel disconnected and unwanted. I'm present in places, but I'm not welcomed. No one chooses me.

I know I have a really defeatist attitude, but I just take what I see and make conclusions from there. I watch people and they connect so easily and spend so much time together, but it never works out for me like that.

I guess, I just look for a real friendship right away and other people know how to socialize and have fun. I don't know how to do that the way others do. I wish I did. I really do care for and respect people and I want to be a part of their lives. I want to learn how to connect with them, but at the same time I'm afraid that they don't want me around or even like me.

I feel so small.

"The Only Thing Constant is Change" and "I'm in Need of Stimulation"

You know, you really can't be sure of anything but change. That is the only constant in this turbulent world of ours. Change can bring a person so much growth and joy, but it also rips them of that as well, at times.

I'm not entirely sure why things happen when they do, but I know that there is a reason. But it seems to me that in my life all the things that have happened to me have had a reason. It's just that those reasons seems to change or having different meaning everyday.

I mean, originally I thought that a certain person came back into my life as a sign that I had finally overcome my struggle, and showed me that I had found forgiveness and was finally ready to move. I saw it as a second chance. I saw it as a new hope to a previously dark situation. But now, I'm beginning to think something else was going on.

I feel more so now that it was a test. That the reappearance of this person in my life was to show me what it would be like if my "wish" for a rekindled friendship was granted. This situation has proven to me that nothing has changed with this person. And this is one time where the lack of change is not good. It's quite disappointing actually. However, on the positive side, I now know completely the end to that story. The end to that part of my life.

I had some amazing memories from that time--memories of finally beginning to find myself. I will never regret that time. I just wish that I could have held the good times through to the future and now, the present. But instead, I had to grow more from my loss. I'm thankful for finding this 'new' part of myself. This part that has struggled and hurt and survived that has become a stronger and more confident person because of it.

I've been thinking about this for a while and just wanted to get it out. I'm not emotional right now, simply complacent. A little nostalgic, but not emotional, which is an improvement.

I do wish, though, for an incredible experience. An inspiring one. I feel like a need stimulation right now and that just might satisfy that need, I would think. We'll see what the week has in store.

The Irony of People.

It's kinda strange how the more people I meet here at school, the more social events I attend, the more I make an effort to spend time with other people here, the more I feel alone. The more I feel unaccepted. Unwanted. Misunderstood. I feel like a side thought. Some people make friends so instantaneously and I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I'm a friendly person, fairly funny, easy to get along with, intelligent, understanding, honest. And yet, no one seems to notice my existence without an introduction. And even once I have that, they forget all about me.

Consistently, I get the question: "Why don't you talk more?" or "Why don't you talk to people?" or "Why are you so quiet?"

And all I want to say is, what is wrong with being quiet? What is wrong with silence? Silence can be a beautiful thing. Why can't a person walk with a group of people and be silent for a few moments, why must every single person be making conversation with another person for that person to be socializing? Part of socializing is listening. I listen to people. That's how I get to know them, to understand them. I'm perfectly content with that. And if I have something to say I will say it, but I don't just constantly try and think of things to say, simply to make conversation. I speak with purpose. And the funny thing is, I get ask why I don't talk more, but half the time when I do, no one listens.

I can't win.

I mean, I know that boisterous and witty and lively people are fun to be around. They make you happy and make situations and events fun just by being there. They're energy and personality permeates to anyone and everything in its environment, and sometimes I can be that person, but not all the time. And I'm not going to change who I am, just to make friends. I just wish someone here would accept me for that and reach out and understand.

I want to show people I have my 'fun' and lively side in me, too. But I never really get the chance and that's difficult for me to deal with right now.

Letting go of expectations.

This is the biggest struggle I have in my life, I think. Whether the expectations I am trying to adhere to are my own or someone else's or society's, I just need to let them go. I focus so much on making sure I obtain my goal, that I do as I expect myself to do, as I believe others expect me to do. There is nothing wrong with wanting to impress or succeed. Sometimes expectations can be great, especially when they are exceeded. But they are so stressful, incredibly stifling. That's the best word I can use to describe it--stifling.

I feel as though I'm forcing myself to be something that I'm not, or that I'm not meant to be by trying to meet this expectations. I think that what I need to do is to accept the fact that all I have control over is the current moment. I have no control whatsoever over the results. All I can do is my best. All I can do is stay true to myself. All I can do is put in my best effort. All I can do is live. And I need to stop weighing myself down with worrying that things won't go the way I plan, the way that I expect them to.

I need to let go and just let fate and life take its course. Whatever part I have in that, I don't know, but I do have a part. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

In response to myself...

I just looked back at my most recent post before this one and read it over again. I really do hate how I sound when I get in those moods. I feel like when I write stuff like that that I come off as weak and selfish and just plain whiny sometimes. It's just a very frustrating situation. Frustrating and conflicting.

I have done so well the past couple of months to turn my attitude and mind set around. To keep it positive and my mood and disposition peaceful. I have handled things as need be, with a rational and level head. I feel as though I have made a lot of improvement in controlling and handling my emotions and making sure they don't run away with all my crazy thoughts. But sometimes there's just some random stupid shit that happens that just makes it really difficult to keep those things up. Even something tragic and heartbreaking would be easier to deal with in a sense than just stupid, insignificant...shit. I attempt to create and peaceful and personally functional lifestyle for myself. And then meanwhile, the outside world is stuck in immaturity, selfishness, and frivolity. People are really the main distraction for me. And when those people who are ruining your environment are some of your close friends, well, that right there is very hard to deal with.

I don't know. I'm rambling and I'm tired and emotional and probably the best thing for me is sleep right now and not documentation of my thoughts. Adieu.

In a funk.

It seems like every streak of optimism I have has some sort of downside with it. I feel on the verge of a funk. I'm happy with school and I think everything that is happening is happening for a reason and so far it has all given me a reason to be hopeful. Just everything with my friends seems to be a mess right now. It's like, if I don't make the effort to stay in touch, no one talks to me. It makes me wonder if my friends even think of me at all, or miss me at all.

I feel really lonely, I guess. But I mean, it's not the same as when I would get lonely before. At least now I have my own goals to focus on and my own path to keep me from dwelling and getting depressed, but I really do miss people. I miss my Grandpa. I miss my mom and my brother. I miss my teachers, my best friends. I miss the people I grew up with, the people that know me. It's comforting having people around you that know who you are, the type of person and your personality. I just feel like I don't have that anymore. I think that's part of what makes my rekindled friendship so special to me. Because I know that she knows me. I don't have the pressure of needing to socialize or make a good impression. I can just be myself.

I do have the pressure on me right now, though, to stay focused, keep up with my studies, make sure I stay on the right direction to where I want to go and perform well. These acting and math classes make me nervous. I'm trying not to stress out, but it's difficult. I just want to keep my emotions in tact and prevent any potential break downs as much as possible. I really need movies and music and my readings to keep me grounded.

Maybe change is good. (?)

As per usual, my promises of continuing end up not ringing true. I have good intentions, I swear, but like anything else, life has a way of interrupting or delaying. The busy week/weekend of moving into my dorm and becoming accustomed was the culprit this time around. So much has happened in such a short amount of time here already. It's weird how, over night your world is completely different. For me, this change has actually been a good one. Though, I use 'good' in lack of a better word. The last couple of times that I have woken up to my life being different and altered, it has usually not been under good circumstances, but thankfully I can say that this time is different. This time I can say that I think this change is taking me in a brighter and hopefully more fulfilling direction than I had originally expected. I really do believe that I will grow from my experience here, both in class and out of it. I feel like in some ways I already have even.

The most surprising and unexpected experience I have had is to reconnect with an old friend, the one I thought I lost in December. It's quite strange how time does heal. I mean, clearly time doesn't make you forget all the wrongs done or difficult times you have had, but it gives you a sense of clarity and motivation to move forward and onward, without looking back. I reunite with this friend, not looking back on what has happened with us, but looking forward at the possibilities that our acquaintence or friendship has in store for us. I'm happy to have a second chance. Both with this person and just in general with me and my life. And in many ways, it's a first chance. A starting point, a launch pad, if you will. Something is beginning here and as the next days and weeks and months go on, I'm excited and interested to see how the middle and end of this journey unfold.

I know this all seems airy and broad and maybe even overly positive, but I do have this strange sense of positivity or acceptance, or something that is keeping my spirit alive and functioning. I don't know, I don't think those are quite the appropriate words to describe my state of emotions and mindset, but I will think on it more and hopefully find the right words to depict it. Until then...

The Beginning of the End...

"Turn your face toward the sun and the shadows will fall behind you." -Maori Proverb

I am loving this quote right now. It is giving me a lot of hope and courage right now, at a time when I need it the most. All these life changes are a lot to deal with and this saying is giving me some positive perspective. Unfortunately, I haven't written much this past week, like I had hoped, too, especially since I feel like there is so much to talk about and expose. I'll follow the example of Fraulein Maria and start at the very beginning, of the week at least.

Sunday, I met up with my brother for lunch at Panera. We met at the one in Clifton. I won't go into full narration, but I will say that it was one of the best two hours of my life. My whole life I have wanted to feel close to my brother, to have a bond with him. I know it was just a lunch, but I feel like for the first time he actually really opened up to me and talked to me seriously and honestly, like an equal. A few years ago, I would have thought that that was impossible. That it was impossible for us to even say full sentences to each other, let alone talk about our thoughts, emotions, fears, our future, our family. It was a small step, but it was one I never expected and one that I am extremely thankful for. Maybe I will get that close relationship that I've always wanted. It just may take some time. Knowing now that it's at least possible is what's going to make that wait bearable.

The night before was interesting and eye-opening as well. A bunch of us came together to have a surprise party for Justin to say goodbye before he leaves for Colorado. It was a lot of fun-- chill, talking and just hanging out, enjoying each other's company. But it was also a turning point. That was when it hit most of us that we are all moving down our separate paths and that they may not converge in the future. The impending separation and closure of one of the most pivotal and enjoyable time of our lives is definitely a bitch to deal with and handle. It's taking a lot out of us all. I feel like Taylor kids have it worse than most high school students. Our school is like a family, or at least our graduating class is. We've been together from start to finish and we have become integral parts of the others in more ways than one. We're saying goodbye to friends and we're saying goodbye to parts of ourselves, our childhood, our innocence, etc. We're growing up and that's scary. The opportunities and possibilities that lay ahead are exciting, but the experience in itself is extremely intimidating.

Not only was it sad saying goodbye to the people there, but it also made me think that I wish I took more chances with them. That I risked talking to them, risked making more of an effort to be friends. Instead of worrying about saying something stupid or offending someone and being embarrassed and uncomfortable I could have been making more and better friendships. I've let my insecurities come between myself and some amazing possibilities and that's the one reason I am happy to start over. That's the one thing I would change and would like to correct for myself in the future. My future.

That's also an intriguing concept to consider. That this separation is allowing for us, as individuals, to have our own personal journey and life experience. That is a truly beautiful thing. One that needs to be appreciated.

Now that I have successfully ranted thoroughly with my tangent, back to the original schedule. Monday.

I don't remember what I did Monday. So...moving on.

Tuesday. I had lunch with my dad. I wanted to get somethings for my dorm from the Enriching Spaces store. I found some neat things, including a Buddha, which I adore. We also went to lunch at Panera, but this conversation was not so wonderful and inspiring as the one I had with my brother. It was quite frustrating actually. Honestly, a lot of things with my father have been frustrating lately. He has such a hands-off role in my and Matt's life and I don't know why, but I'm becoming blatantly aware of it lately and I hate it. I just worry about our future relationship, and it pains me to say that, but it's true.

I have been interrupted in writing this, so I would like to stop here and then continue later about the week's events and happenings. I can't believe I've written this much even. Maybe I really could rant enough to write a book.

The way most things do.

You know what I really can't stand? Narcissism. And it really bothers me when people can't seem to keep their word. They say they will or will not do a certain thing, treat someone a certain way, say something, or even feel specifically and then they turn around and do or say the same thing they just declared they wouldn't. It's not quite hypocrisy that I'm talking about. It just seems to be more of the person's weakness in sticking to their word and their say. They say they don't want to give a certain impression and then act in such a way that does that exact thing. How do they not realize what they are doing? I don't understand.


I wish I could find a focus for all these thoughts and anazlyzations of people. They come and I just can't stop thinking about them. It can get frustrating and even emotional, thinking so much. Especially exhausting. I don't really know if any of it means anything or if it actually has a point. It kinda all ends up in rambles and confusion when it comes from my brain.


I wish I could just channel and control my emotions and thoughts in general. Maybe life wouldn't be as confusing and things wouldn't be as difficult for me to deal with. Like college, for example. I just don't know how to feel about this upcoming event. I mean, I'm moving into a new life. That's really really REALLY scary. I've been through this whole dilemma on here before, but it's just something I can't really escape from. And mom isn't helping. She's actually really suffocating lately.


It's times like these that I wish that my brother was available to rant and just open up and talk with. I feel like he's the only one that truly understands what our family and parents are like. I think he would be able to help me and talk me through all of this and give me useful advice, I just don't think he ever would. The trouble would be to get him to actually talk to me about stuff. That's the road block every time, though.


I kinda give up in actually having a direct say in what happens in my future. It all seems to take it's own course, no matter what my wants or expectations are. The future is just gonna do whatever it likes with my life and I have to deal with it. It's just really frightening to let go like that.


I really don't know why I started writing this blog tonight, or where any of these thoughts came from, or what purpose I tried to serve by saying all of this but here it is. Maybe it'll make more sense later, in retrospect. The way most things do.

Unexpected turn of events.

This whole CYPT situation has been an interesting, unusual, and surprising experience. Today was the last day of performances. Two in one day. Crazy, but actually a lot of fun. And not only did I enjoy today, but I also felt somewhat sad. Sad for the show to be over, even sad to be leaving these people. The latter was definitely not something I anticipated. I guess, somewhere between all my complaining and frustration and fear, I actually became attached to this program. I found myself even having feelings of excitement for next summer, to come back and be a part of this all over again. I mean, maybe if I do it again, I can become closer to these people, or at least more comfortable and ergo, have an even more enjoyable time.

I'm strangely thankful and happy with my time spent in this program. It's not like THS Drama, and I don't think anything I am a part of will ever feel that wonderful and dear to me, but I appreciate this experience so much more than I thought I would. I'm so amazed by this circumstance.

Even though I am more fond of CYPT than I used to be, I still don't feel quite accepted by the group of people, yet. I am more accepting of them, but I don't think they see me as a part of their family, yet. But maybe next year they will. We'll see what next summer brings.

A little bit of bitch. A little bit of whine. And some hurt, too.

I know I shouldn't be upset about this, but I am. And honestly, I feel like I do have a right to be because it sucks. You know, it's really awful when someone you've been close with for years, suddenly puts people they didn't use to like/people they barely talk to and hang out/people that don't give a shit about them over you. One of the people that was there for them and always supported them. It really sucks feeling like you don't matter to the people you care about.

What's even worse is when your closest friend is picked over you. And when they are insensitive enough to not realize the shitty-ness of the situation. When they don't realize how you've just been screwed over. They shrug it off like it means nothing, when it definitely means something. Especially to you.

I'm tired of getting my hopes up and believing that I actually mean something to people. I'm tired of being either a second thought, or not a thought at all. Am I ever going to be able to have the friends around me that I want? Or is that just too much to ask? I know I shouldn't whine and complain like this, but sometimes it's really difficult not to.

I just want them to care like I do.

Trusting my instincts.

My insticnt told me that I could trust him, told me that he was a rare and good person. It told me that we were good friends, that we understood each other, we shared common interest, common belief and emotion. My insticnt told me that we would always be good to one another.

That insticnt was tested, and I'm sorry to say that I doubted it. But now, I know that what I believed him to be was true and real. And that's really all that matters. I'm glad to know that the person I thought he was, is who he is. I'm glad to know I can still trust him and that that one comfort to me hasn't changed.

Why is this important to me? Because my belief in people is all I really have. My belief in their goodness, honesty, and integrity means the world to me. Character is all we have. And I never what to think someone to be something that they're not, especially unjustly. And even more especially when they are someone I care about. The people that tried to make me doubt and judge, I am now wary of.

My lesson through all of this has been that sometimes it's not about finding the truth, but more so my truth. The truth gets blurred with others' beliefs and interpretations too often. I'm not really sure how to explain it, but I feel very relieved knowing that I wasn't wrong. That seems arrogant, but after everything I went through, doubting myself so greatly again would be awful.

Late night blurbs.

I'm surprised I didn't discuss orientation since arriving home from it. Definitely an interesting experience. It was something I was very nervous about, but surprisingly it did make me feel more confident about next year and just my college future in general. I'm hoping that making friends and moving on won't be as difficult as I originally thought. And I think for the first time, while I was there, I realized that from this point on I can be whoever I want to be. I can pull a clean slate. All those little things about myself that I always wished I could change. I can change that. I can be more open, less open. Make jokes more often, do whatever. These 'new' people won't know the difference. I mean, of course I'm not going to change the things that matter, but the freedom to do so is rather liberating. I'm not stuck in a certain reputation, impression, stereotype. Hopefully, I can make the most of this great opportunity and not take it for granted or ruin it.

With that, I'd like to say that I don't think I'm going to try and figure out 'the situation' anymore. It's not worth my focus. Yes, I would like to know the truth and what truly happened, so then I can know what exactly I did wrong and I can finally heal from the pain it all caused me, but no matter what I know and don't know, I was hurt and it sucked and now that is over. All I can do now is live my life. I need to stop trying to control my life and just live it. So, if friendships are rekindled, great! If not, that's great, too. Plotting my next move, debating over what to say and not say, and all that other crap I tried to do to get a desired outcome, I can't and shouldn't do anymore. I just need to let fate take it's course and let what is meant to happen, happen. That's all any of us can do really-- just let our destined journey unfold.

I mean, when it comes down to it all I want is dear friends, accomplish and worthwhile career, and be content. If I have those three basic things, I think my life will turn out alright. I think I'll be alright.

Another epiphany. And what to do with it.

My epiphanies seem to come to me with perfect timing. Since my previous entry a lot of light has been shared on said issue. Maybe everything that she did wasn't all her fault, it wasn't all on her own accord. And maybe the one person that I trusted to be on my side wasn't, at least not as much as I thought. Now what does this new information mean? Does it mean that it is more acceptable and easier for me to forgive? I think so. Does it really change the effect that the whole situation had on me? Somewhat, but not necessarily for the better. The past is still the past and this doesn't really change that. It just makes it more detailed. But really, what is effected now is the future. I could potentially make amends. Finally recover from the situation and rekindle a friendship.

Is that the point, though? Is that what I really want? And would it be worth it? Those answers, I do not know. That's what I need to figure out. The 'how' to figure that out is a hazy part of the equation as well. I'm not really sure where to go from here. I want to make peace, I want to move on from this, and not have this weighing over my head and heart. I just don't know how to go about doing that and what the outcome will be.

The one thing I do know is that I'm glad I know more of the truth. Not knowing what happened was probably one of the worst parts. But now there are more things that I do not know. This whole thing is very confusing.

I did make an effort yesterday, and a small one at that. So small that I don't think she knew it was an effort. Upon Mat's, suggestion I texted her with a simple greeting. Thus far, I have not had a reply. Maybe she doesn't want to be friends despite what I was told, maybe there is something I am still missing, I don't know. I would just like a resolution. And a happy one. One that I can be comfortable with. I probably want too much.

On the drive home.

So I tend to do a lot of thinking throughout the day, more than a person probably should, but last night (Thursday night) was slightly different. On my way home for CYPT practice, I was reflecting on a part of the book I've been reading, It's Easier than You Think by Sylvia Boorstein. It spoke of this elderly woman who was angry so much and for so long that it became an auto-pilot reaction/emotion for her. She then explains that in a lesson the Buddha teaches that when one focuses on how they have been mistreated or embarrassed they only trap themselves in their hatred. A simile is used, saying that it's like being in a cell with the key and locking ourselves in and then throwing the key across the room. It's only when we move on from and abandon those negative thoughts that we are able to be loving. "Forgiveness is the price you pay for freedom."

These ideas intrigued me when I first read them a few days ago, but they I wasn't able to understand them completely nor apply them to myself until Thursday night, while driving home. I realized that my bitterness, anger, resentment, and hurt that I feel because of her and everything that happened this past year is holding me back. I've been trying so hard to remind myself of what she did so that I didn't forgive her, so that I didn't give in, didn't seem weak, didn't let her win. But I realized that it's not about me standing my ground and proving to her that she was wrong/punishing her for what she did to me. It's about getting freedom for myself. The only thing that keeping my anger is doing is prolonging the pain. Forgiving her and letting go isn't surrendering, it's overcoming. It means that I can finally put this in my past. I don't have to analyze and question and doubt. It means that I am able to be loving again. Because otherwise, I would be as bad as her, letting selfishness and anger control me.

I feel as though I didn't do my epiphany justice with this explanation, but it's hard to find the right words to describe the thoughts and emotions that came to me with this realization. All I can say is that it gave me some relief from something that has been weighing me down for months now.

The world just wasn't big enough to contain her...

So I just watched Sylvia the other night. I still have not decided my final opinion about the film, but I must say that Gwyneth Paltrow does a superb job of personifying Sylvia. Her mannerisms, voice, glances, expressions. I guess you could say that she exposed herself well, letting you see into her character--the same way that Sylvia Plath does with her poetry and writing. A truly exquisite performance. Daniel Craig is in the movie, but I could do without him. However, I'm not a fair judge for his performance, since I only know a little about Ted Hughes. Their relationship, was portrayed very well. I just wish that the film wouldn't have focused so much on it. There was so much more to Sylvia and her life than Ted. She had so many more struggles than with Ted. The film did show some of her problems with her writing, but not nearly as much as I think they should have. The incorporation of her writing was very well done, both moving and poignant.

I will be even more so interested to see The Bell Jar with Julia Stiles after this and see how much of Esther will portray Sylvia, considering the character is based off of Sylvia. Seeing the movie, in a way, made me fall in love with Plath all over again. It added a visual aspect to her personally, that hasn't been that strong before, considering there is not a lot of video footage or pictures. Mostly what I/we see of Sylvia is through her poetry and prose. Which, though those are both beautifully raw, deep, honest, fully exposed, it's nice to see that different side of her, even when it's only an interpretation of her.

I'd love to be able to turn emotion into words and imagery the way that she does. I'd love to write or film a movie the way that this one was. There are so many things that I want and I wish I could view the end of the tunnel just enough to know if any of that is possible. Like Sylvia, I have my doubts and, though I don't plan on letting security or even failure eat away at me the way she did, it is definitely something that I have in mind and worry about.

New interests. AKA Obsessions.

Instagram being the first.

I am in love with this website. It's such a great way to share and view intriguing and relevant photography. From vast landscapes, to quotes, to a cup on a table, nothing is off limits and I love it. It's making me fall in love with photography all over again and makes me want to take pictures again. And more thoughtful and artsy ones at that.

Blogging being the second.

I used to blog just in phases. Whenever I had a lot on my mind, when I was really upset, or whenever I have an epiphany of some sort. Now, I am finding it easier and more enjoyable to translate some of my everyday thoughts and feelings to words. It's a bit strange writing all of this for no one, but myself. But it's kinda comforting in the same sense. I think it would be very stressful for me to write, knowing others would be reading it. It'd make me self-conscious about what I say instead of just letting it all out, which is the entire point of this in the first place.

Mischief Managed.

Just a few more thoughts before sleep and to kick off July 15. Harry Potter was simply incredible. A piece of my life as found its ending. But unlike the story, my life goes on. It's strange when pieces of our lives are with us for so long and then all of the sudden we take different paths. I mean, the ending of Harry Potter leaves room for something new to begin. But I just don't think anything will match nor surpass the wonder and influence of the Harry Potter saga. Though, I'm sure that's what everyone said about the Star Wars series. I still think this is very different from Star Wars considering it all began with the books. Books are a whole different experience.

I just wonder where we all go from here.

Side note: "Skyscraper" by Demi Lovato is exquisite. (I had to throw that in somewhere, considering its been on repeat on my iTunes for almost two days now.)

Continuation of Yesterday's thoughts.

I've been talking with my mother a lot lately. And no, not about what to have for dinner or what we think will happen next on the Young and the Restless, but about life. Sometimes mine, sometimes hers. But a lot about Matt's.

I think I have some really good ideas for him. He just seems stuck. He needs to make money to get out of debt and to provide for himself, but he needs to fulfill his dreams, too. He needs to be doing something that he's truly good at and is passionate about, as well. That's something he has struggled with for a while, but I think he's realizing that he's getting older and there are stepping stones in life that he hasn't traveled yet and I think that scares him. Hell, that would scare anyone. I know, in some ways, I feel the same way, just with slightly more insignificant things/experiences.

By looking at possibilities for his future, I kinda found some for myself. And even one for the both of us. Most importantly, though, Matt needs to get his music out to the world. There is too much talent, insight, and passion in his music for it not to be shared. I've been plotting different outlets and possibilities for him to get it out there, Facebook, last.fm, YouTube, Tumblr, Twitter even. He just needs to get one thing out there and just spread it everywhere. No matter what he pursues as a financial career, his music deserves to be noticed as well. He told mom that he wants to write. Possibly a book, or for a magazine, review music or something along those lines. I think that's admirable, but I have doubts. I don't know if he's open-minded enough with music to be able to fairly review it. I think if he were to do that, then he'd have to work for a specific employer, and focus on certain genres of music to review. As far as the book goes, if he can't even sit still to read a book, I don't know how he would write one. And to be perfectly honest, the petty little girl in me wouldn't want him to because writing has been my thing. My dream. That's what I'M good at. The one thing I have and I wouldn't want him stealing that light from me, too.

I know that's silly, but it's true. I'm the writer. He's the musician. That's how it's always been, and that's one thing that I've always liked. And to be honest, once again, I'd be afraid that he'd be a better writer than me and then what talent would I have to be proud of, then? Nothing. I'm not good at anything else. Matt's good at so many things, nearly everything he does. He can have anything, but writing. That's mine.

Anyways, back to the point. The only problem for him with the writing idea, is that he'd need an English or journalism degree. My suggestion would be for him to go into PR or marketing through his business degree. And then if he were ever to establish himself, he could go from there with writing and music.

My other idea that randomly sparked in my head while rattling off all these different possibilities to my mom was to start a local magazine for film and music with my brother. That or some sort of music/bookstore. Like some sort of cross between Shake It and Half Price Books. I think it has the potential to work. Between his degree, my knowledge of films and if I get a degree in journalism or something of the sort. Plus the added PR of us being siblings.

Somehow all these ideas came to me and I don't know from where. Mom doesn't want me to get my hopes up for Matt to be enthusiastic or accepting of my ideas. And honestly, when she said that I understood why, but I just didn't feel anything. I mean, I still want love and acceptance from him, but I think that after everything that I went through with Sammy and after Europe and the failure of a 'welcome home' dinner, I've found a way a level of apathy that allows me to not be hurt, or as hurt. I don't know if that is a good thing or not, but it hasn't proved to me either yet. But I'd say more good than harm.

I just can't let myself live for others anymore. I have to live for myself. If I don't have the confidence then I don't think I will be going very far in life. I think that's my brother's problem. Despite his appearance of an ego, I think he is extremely insecure and self-critical.

The one thing that continues to perturb me is that I know I could really be there for him and really understand. But that require him to let me and we all know that that is an unlikely outcome.

Maybe someday.

A teeny, but kinda immense update.

Won 'Best Female Critic' at Cappies. Graduated high school. Hung out with Taylor once again. Lots and lots of grad parties. Europe for 12 days. New and complicated/silly crush. Crew chief for CYPT's Crazy for You. Weird sense of adulthood ignited. Fear of future still present and even more explicit and creative with its antics.

I want to travel. To write. To help my family. To bring us all together. I want mom's stress and worry to go away. Matt needs to figure out what to do with his life. He needs to find happiness. He doesn't need to have the misery that dad had. I want to be there for him and I think I have a solution, or at least a way for him to pursue is true passion. Even if it may not lead to a paying career, it would at least be an outlet that would keep him pleasingly occupied through all of life's bullshit and bad deals. I don't think anyone really respects my opinion enough, yet to actually listen to me and hear my advice. Least of all being, Matt.

When it comes down to it, I just want to be the thing in the world that others need. I want to be the thing to others, that I want them to be for me. I guess that's so mutated form of paying it forward?

I've been back in my writing, producing, managing, directing sort of state of mind for my future. I can never seem to find one track and just stick to it. Stage managing isn't going to cut it for me, I don't think. I need something practical for life. But, I hate practical. I want the movies. Hell, I'd even settle for TV. I know in my heart that's what I really want. I'm just afraid that like, my brother and my dad, that dream is never gonna come. Or at least it's going to come too late.

I don't want to get stuck in life. I want to pursue it. Make as much out of life's possibilities as I can. I want to dream to the fullest, but reality seems to have a way and seeping my confidence in my dreams and goals out of the picture.

The future is all I think about lately. And with that, my past peaks through a lot, too. I don't think I'll ever fully recover from the shitty events that started the end. I wish I knew what was my fault and what wasn't. It'd make things a lot easier to deal with.

Maybe that's why I'm trying to focus on others so much. Because I feel like others don't focus on me. Like most posts, I have no clue where this is going. I guess this serves as an accurate representation of what goes on in my scattered brain.

I digress. I'm leaving to purchase and iPod touch. Something I can control.

At the point of return.

For a long time, I wasn't sure I was going to be able to move on from my 'previous life' and 'previous' friends. I thought that that was my world and nothing would be the same without it/them. And finally, I have come to realize that it is true, what we always tell others, the sun rise again and things do get better. Just with time. I had to weave my way through lies and deceit to find truth and meaning and I believe I have finally found the group of people to compliment my life and me most wonderfully. Now I am able to focus on positive things, things to look forward to and enjoy. And now, I'm able to do that with the support and understanding of others. I feel like I have found a sense of hope and possibility that I never had before. My life was filled with a lot of uncertainty and doubt, which of course, makes its way into my life still, but now its not consuming me like before. I've stood up for who I am and who I want to be and how I want to be treated. Though, I still worry about how others think, I feel like I've been able to let go of some of my paranoia, which is a huge relief.

And what a better time is there for this point of return to happen than on my 18th birthday.Well, 'by' my birthday would be more accurate. Either way, I am very grateful for being able to move forward, with a bright outlook and future to look toward, and path to follow. My birthday has been (well technically, was, considering it's the 6th now) very simple, but yet very satisfying and enjoyable. I am very pleased with out the day turned out and with whom I spent it. My friends pleasantly surprised me and made the day very special. I can't explain it very well, but I feel connected with them, something I've missed for a while. Old connections have been reignited and new ones are being made. There is still an uncanny bond I feel with one of my friends. I don't quite know how to explain it, but it haunts me in a way. I just wonder if I'm the only one that notices it. I've never felt as comfortable talking and being with a person alone as I do with him.

I am hoping for even more wonderful days such as this in my future. I just hope I can spend them with these people. With him. I hope I can continue to personally evolve positively, throughout the rest of this year and ultimately end it with happy memories and maybe a few wishes come true.

Thinking About You

Thinking about the future. Thinking about that boy. Thinking about an assignment. Thinking about practice. Thinking about me. Thinking about anything. Thinking about everything.

I just don't stop. And I let my self sit here and cry over my thoughts. I don't know why.

I feel like an empty person. I'm forced and false.

Waiting for the day that my thoughts and feelings actually evolve into reality.

I like this. A lot.

Just read this on Aimee Teagarden's blog and loved it.

"What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. It will decide what gets you out of bed in the mornings, what you do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you. Fall in love stay, stay in love, and it will decide everything. "- Pedro Arrupe

Ramble On, Sing My Song

I'm in another one of those moods today. One of my deep, dark thinking, crying, and talking to myself alone in my room kind of moods. One product of my thoughts is thus, that I've come to realize that everyone lives in the perimeters of their own knowledge of the world. If you have seen or known things to be a certain way, others may see them or know them to be totally different. That may seem like an obvious fact, but it just clicked differently with me today. I just feel like humans live their lives in the constant struggle for others to see the world like they do. I guess what hit me so hard about this realization was that I still feel like I haven't been able to connect with people enough to be able to see my world and see theirs, at least not completely. There have been glimmers of each world, but neither have ever been fully exposed. I'm just waiting for the day when someone gets it. Someone gets my world completely, or at least cares and is interested in my world and that it means something to them. I like knowing as much as I can about a person. Not in a creepy/stalker way, just I find people fascinating whether I like them or not. I just want to understand them and learn from how they view things--how they think and feel. And I guess I just hope others feel the same way about me. Is that silly?

Spontaneous Thought.

When there is music, there is no loneliness.