Family matters.

I have so much on my mind right now and it's all flooding out in tears. I can't stop crying. I just think of everything that I hope for and how I never quite reach it. Ever. I know I have a big heart. And I try to express my love as compassionately as possible toward people, try to make them as happy as possible. I know I won't always receive it back. That's just natural. But I would like to think that from time to time, my family would try, too. No. My family doesn't know how to express or show their love. My family is stale. I am a passionate and emotional human being and being around them makes me feel like I'm drying up under a hot sun. I don't feel anything from them and that is extremely difficult to deal with.

I remember a thought that I had when I was little and my parents had just begun the process of being divorce. Our family was splitting up, well my parents were, and I just remember thinking "well, maybe this means Mom, Matt, and me will get closer." That didn't happen. It doesn't matter if we're under the same roof, different roofs, or no roof at all. No matter what, we're all apart. We don't think, do, or feel anything together. That's all I want is to be together, really together. Not just bodies in a room.

It depresses me to believe that that's never going to happen. We're never going to connect. They're never going to feel like I do, or love like I do. That sounds beyond arrogant. And I seem unbelievable selfish.

I just want my family to want me, too. I don't feel safe with them. I feel trapped, ignored sometimes.

None of this sounds the way that it does in my head. It makes more sense in my head. Of course.

I don't know how to explain how I am feeling, or why I feel this way. All I can say is I want a family. I want a family who supports me, loves me, protects me, inspires me, encourages me, talks with me, believes in me. Not one that just exists. They are my family, but I want them to BE family.

I thought this would help more, but it really hasn't. I'll just stop wasting my time and end here.