A teeny, but kinda immense update.

Won 'Best Female Critic' at Cappies. Graduated high school. Hung out with Taylor once again. Lots and lots of grad parties. Europe for 12 days. New and complicated/silly crush. Crew chief for CYPT's Crazy for You. Weird sense of adulthood ignited. Fear of future still present and even more explicit and creative with its antics.

I want to travel. To write. To help my family. To bring us all together. I want mom's stress and worry to go away. Matt needs to figure out what to do with his life. He needs to find happiness. He doesn't need to have the misery that dad had. I want to be there for him and I think I have a solution, or at least a way for him to pursue is true passion. Even if it may not lead to a paying career, it would at least be an outlet that would keep him pleasingly occupied through all of life's bullshit and bad deals. I don't think anyone really respects my opinion enough, yet to actually listen to me and hear my advice. Least of all being, Matt.

When it comes down to it, I just want to be the thing in the world that others need. I want to be the thing to others, that I want them to be for me. I guess that's so mutated form of paying it forward?

I've been back in my writing, producing, managing, directing sort of state of mind for my future. I can never seem to find one track and just stick to it. Stage managing isn't going to cut it for me, I don't think. I need something practical for life. But, I hate practical. I want the movies. Hell, I'd even settle for TV. I know in my heart that's what I really want. I'm just afraid that like, my brother and my dad, that dream is never gonna come. Or at least it's going to come too late.

I don't want to get stuck in life. I want to pursue it. Make as much out of life's possibilities as I can. I want to dream to the fullest, but reality seems to have a way and seeping my confidence in my dreams and goals out of the picture.

The future is all I think about lately. And with that, my past peaks through a lot, too. I don't think I'll ever fully recover from the shitty events that started the end. I wish I knew what was my fault and what wasn't. It'd make things a lot easier to deal with.

Maybe that's why I'm trying to focus on others so much. Because I feel like others don't focus on me. Like most posts, I have no clue where this is going. I guess this serves as an accurate representation of what goes on in my scattered brain.

I digress. I'm leaving to purchase and iPod touch. Something I can control.