Continuation of Yesterday's thoughts.

I've been talking with my mother a lot lately. And no, not about what to have for dinner or what we think will happen next on the Young and the Restless, but about life. Sometimes mine, sometimes hers. But a lot about Matt's.

I think I have some really good ideas for him. He just seems stuck. He needs to make money to get out of debt and to provide for himself, but he needs to fulfill his dreams, too. He needs to be doing something that he's truly good at and is passionate about, as well. That's something he has struggled with for a while, but I think he's realizing that he's getting older and there are stepping stones in life that he hasn't traveled yet and I think that scares him. Hell, that would scare anyone. I know, in some ways, I feel the same way, just with slightly more insignificant things/experiences.

By looking at possibilities for his future, I kinda found some for myself. And even one for the both of us. Most importantly, though, Matt needs to get his music out to the world. There is too much talent, insight, and passion in his music for it not to be shared. I've been plotting different outlets and possibilities for him to get it out there, Facebook, last.fm, YouTube, Tumblr, Twitter even. He just needs to get one thing out there and just spread it everywhere. No matter what he pursues as a financial career, his music deserves to be noticed as well. He told mom that he wants to write. Possibly a book, or for a magazine, review music or something along those lines. I think that's admirable, but I have doubts. I don't know if he's open-minded enough with music to be able to fairly review it. I think if he were to do that, then he'd have to work for a specific employer, and focus on certain genres of music to review. As far as the book goes, if he can't even sit still to read a book, I don't know how he would write one. And to be perfectly honest, the petty little girl in me wouldn't want him to because writing has been my thing. My dream. That's what I'M good at. The one thing I have and I wouldn't want him stealing that light from me, too.

I know that's silly, but it's true. I'm the writer. He's the musician. That's how it's always been, and that's one thing that I've always liked. And to be honest, once again, I'd be afraid that he'd be a better writer than me and then what talent would I have to be proud of, then? Nothing. I'm not good at anything else. Matt's good at so many things, nearly everything he does. He can have anything, but writing. That's mine.

Anyways, back to the point. The only problem for him with the writing idea, is that he'd need an English or journalism degree. My suggestion would be for him to go into PR or marketing through his business degree. And then if he were ever to establish himself, he could go from there with writing and music.

My other idea that randomly sparked in my head while rattling off all these different possibilities to my mom was to start a local magazine for film and music with my brother. That or some sort of music/bookstore. Like some sort of cross between Shake It and Half Price Books. I think it has the potential to work. Between his degree, my knowledge of films and if I get a degree in journalism or something of the sort. Plus the added PR of us being siblings.

Somehow all these ideas came to me and I don't know from where. Mom doesn't want me to get my hopes up for Matt to be enthusiastic or accepting of my ideas. And honestly, when she said that I understood why, but I just didn't feel anything. I mean, I still want love and acceptance from him, but I think that after everything that I went through with Sammy and after Europe and the failure of a 'welcome home' dinner, I've found a way a level of apathy that allows me to not be hurt, or as hurt. I don't know if that is a good thing or not, but it hasn't proved to me either yet. But I'd say more good than harm.

I just can't let myself live for others anymore. I have to live for myself. If I don't have the confidence then I don't think I will be going very far in life. I think that's my brother's problem. Despite his appearance of an ego, I think he is extremely insecure and self-critical.

The one thing that continues to perturb me is that I know I could really be there for him and really understand. But that require him to let me and we all know that that is an unlikely outcome.

Maybe someday.