3/29/2012: Performance Thoughts

Yesterday was a somewhat emotional day for me, or evening rather. It was one of those times when I doubt myself, my relationships with my friends and people around me. Typically I feel confident that I'm seen as a nice, intelligent, fun, and even quiet person. I believe this is true, but I wonder if I'm actually liked and respected. I mean, I think my characteristics add up to being a good and likeable person, but I think to others these might not add up to the same thing. Some days I think people like who I am and the next I eel as though they think I'm strange. Maybe I read into people and situations too much, maybe I'm just paranoid. I don't know, I just wish there was a way for people's thoughts and opinions to be more clear to me.

I am saying this of people in general and of one in particular, too. Last night I gave up o my interpretations of almost everything, believing it all to be figments of my mind, imagination, and wishes. What hope I had for stronger relationships with people and this one in particular was gone.

Today's events seemed to confuse me even more on that front. I had pleasant exchanges, but they were just exchanges. I kept telling myself that this morning, trying to establish a different, more healthy, and more realistic perspective. It was strange, then, the circumstance of the encounter just an hour or so later. What were the chances? Is there such a thing as simple coincidence? Was this it or did that happening mean something? I struggle with this everyday, wondering if things really are "meant" to happen or if it's all just a series of happenstance. The left side of my brain says "coincidence," but the rights and certainly hopes that it is something more, or at least a necessary notch in my path.

However, to kepp myself from fantasizing, I tell myself that it's not going to make what I want to happen, happen. I know this to be true, but I'm still haunted by the question of, "What would have to happen in order for what I want to become reality?" As much as I want for things to mean something, not expecting and not hoping is much safer in this case, and most of the time, really. This way, I won't be so easily affected my every little thing.

But at this point, what am I to do? Do I hold on and hope, deep down? Do I let go as much as possible? Do I attempt a more active approach? Do I wait and just let everything take its course?

For almost any and every situation in my life I find the appropriate answer eventually. But this, specifically, has proven to be more difficult and complicated. I honestly don't know.

I'm scared and I always have been when it comes to matters of the heart. The matters of my mind I am sure of--my beliefs, convictions, opinions, integrity, knowledge. The heart of my brain and the mind of it are quite often at odds, though.

I just feel so passionately. Thinking of the possibility is like breathing new, fresh air. But the fear of no possibility is nearly unbearable.

This is one time where complete apathy would be wonderful.