Venting a la 3 a.m.

In a weird way, nothing and everything has been happening the last couple days, this winter break. I'm not sure how I feel about either nor which I prefer. As I figured, I have been quite aloof and unmotivated to actually move, at all. I've been lonely and bitter and frustrated, seeing as how I have so much time to dwell on things now.

The shootings in Connecticut had me riled up for a variety of reasons, ranging between being distraught and so incredibly annoyed at the reactions and talk about it, especially from the media, which always makes a mess of things that are usually already messy and complicated in the first place.

I had yet another blowout argument with my mother about the whole Matt situation. I'm so tired of her always defending him or looking at things only from his perspective and never from mine. I'm tired of being the only one who isn't okay with pretending. The only one to put in a effort and actually vocalize a need for us to unite as a family and act like one, most importantly. It took a lot of time and a lot of yelling and crying to finally get Mom to hear what I was saying at all and actually seem to begin to understand where I am coming from. I still don't think we're fully there and I doubt we ever will be, considering the pattern has always been that she understands and is on the same page with me for like a day if that and then next thing I know we are having the same goddamn argument. Over and over again.

I know I come off too strong and too adamant about the whole thing sometimes, to the point of seeming unreasonable or childish, or like I'm overreacting. But I'm honestly getting desperate at this point. I don't know if she realizes it or not, but once I go to get my Master's (if things haven't changed) I'm most likely not coming back and not keeping in touch. Once I start to REALLY build my own life, I'm not going to put the effort in to make our family a family anymore. And maybe then, they'll realize how serious I was and hopefully give them, most importantly Matt, a fucking reality check.

I'm simply not keeping people in my life who continually hurt me, especially those who know they hurt me and STILL don't do shit to make up for it.