And another Eve.

This time it's the day before the new year. I'm somewhat beside myself not positive how I feel about it.  There's a lot of things that I wish were different, but they seem to be out of my hands. At least for now.

Really, though, how much control do we have in our lives? I mean, sure, we make decisions and act and the effects or even repercussions follow every time. But I feel like we are typically unaware of the effect our choices have on people, the world, our fate. We typically choose for the now and not for the  outcome. I know the outcome of many of my decisions and actions has been entirely different from the initial reason why I chose to in the first place.

I've never been the person, and I won't be the one this year either, to sit and say 'these are the changes I plan to make' or 'this is what will happen this year' because that seems rather pointless to me. Nothing I ever imagine will ever be the reality of the coming year. Of that, I am certain.

Side note: It makes me sad to realize that the people I start the year off with are rarely the people I end it with, and I mean that both figuratively and literally. I wish I could maintain a closeness and a bond with people. That's something I've only been able to accomplish with a small group of people in my life. And even with those relationships I feel quite alone 99% of the time. Which, I'm sure is mostly my fault. Just like not being close to a lot of people is greatly due to the fact that I don't know how to get close to people. I don't know how to let them in and I don't know how to let myself out either. I'm too scared to do either. What haunts me most with that is that I feel like no one wants the same from me.

I guess that's my official wish for the New Year: to be the person that people care about. Right now, I'm just the person that cares about people. And too much at that, I think.

So 2013, let's get to know each other, I suppose.