Tell Me What It Takes.

Today, I don't just feel utterly alone, but I realize that in many ways I actually am utterly alone right now. All my friends are back at college. My "best friend" hasn't spoken to me in nearly a month. And to be frank, is too caught up in herself to be there for me, and I think I can finally admit that that has truly been the case for a long time now. I'm still not very close to my parents. Not emotionally, anyway. My dad is so clueless to the actual reality of my world, which isn't completely his fault. And Mom...I don't know, it is difficult to explain. She is witness to nearly every aspect of my life and yet somehow can never understand my world. Can never understand me. And even if she could, I need someone outside of my family to rely on, from whom to seek comfort, advice, joy. And then it is beyond clear that my brother is completely emotionally unavailable to me. I mean, I can go months without speaking to him or seeing him, so that pretty much speaks for itself. I love my friends at school, but we still barely know each other. I mean, it can still be difficult for me to open up to the people I have known for nearly 14 years, let alone people I have only known for a couple months. Lately, I feel like this blog is the only thing I can talk to. And though it does help me getting my thoughts and feelings out in the "open," there is still something more divine about opening those thoughts and feelings to a person.

Now, just for sake of confirmation, know that for once I'm not writing this at 4 am in the morning, crying like a basket case. I just ache a little tonight.

All of this just makes me think of how much I have lost. My mind seems to always revert to junior year and how alive I felt then. How satisfied with life I was. And how, with the exception of some struggles academics wise, everything seemed to somehow work out for me. I was getting and exploring a lot of the things I always wanted or wondered about and that was thrilling for me. My life now still has it's thrills, but I still feel broken from everything that happened senior year. I lost people who inspired me and colored my world. I lost my lifestyle. I lost myself. And though I have gained bits and pieces of the first two, the third has been quite a struggle.

I just wish I knew what it is going to take to get that fulfillment back. That happiness.

I don't want the mistake to be made that I don't appreciate my life and everything I have been given and that I am lucky to have. Because I know how fortunate my life is in so many ways. I guess, it's just that I know that life has so much to offer and I want to experience so much and feel life to the fullest.

I don't want to miss out.

That's my biggest fear. I'm afraid that I'm going to miss out on all the wonderful and even the wonderfully difficult things in life. Like falling in love, having/raising a family, seeing the world, a job. And even things more simple than that. I just feel like I'm behind. I mean some kids slack in school. They don't learn how to read until fifth grade, or don't take algebra until junior or senior year. But I am slacking life. I've never been on a date. Never been kissed. Never been asked out. Never had a job. I've already missed out on so many things since my parents divorced and the rest of my family is so distant. I know it's selfish to feel like I deserve more, but I'm a good person aren't I? Can't I have those normal pleasures? Those common joys?

What am I doing wrong? And what can I do to change it? I keep trying to figure out ways to make it all happen. A lot of times I argue that I don't take enough of an active role in my life. But then it seems like every time I take that leap, that chance, nothing happens. I'm pessimistic and I know that, but I just can't help it.

I just refuse to believe I don't deserve to have my dreams made.